"I'm gonna be up for awhile"

the song playing was picked strategically, lest you wonder. At one point Paul sings, "4 in the morning I woke up from out of my dreams, nowhere to go but back to sleep, but I'm reconciled, I'm gonna be up for awhile.....I'm gonna be up for awhile."

.......and that pretty much sums it up for me!!

I have two options for sleeping at this point: my one side and my other side. They are getting sore so I wake up to move about, eat a little something and try again. This is the most trying part for me, the ending. And yet, I do know that Baby is much easier to take care of while still INSIDE me!

I'm getting so excited to meet our Baby!

I'll keep you posted....literally.

5th chapter of "The Well-Loved Soul"

Here is the 5th and final chapter of "The Well-Loved Soul", you can see the four previous Wednesdays for the first four chapters.

The Father
"My beloved spoke and said to me,
'Arise my darling, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away with me.'”
(song of songs 2 : 19)


He waits for her. He stands by her, often with His hands upon her shoulders, to steady her as she falters underneath the weight of all her burdens. He is deeply distressed by her service. By her need to place service above His sweet call to relationship and restoration. Many times He has called her away from her chaos, from the burdens, yet He has found her to be afraid to release them. She has grown to need her service to prove her worth. He is grieved that she fears disappointing Him. The weariness, the weight of letting down those around her is severe. She is chained to a god that does not resemble her true Father.

Again and again He calls her name, sometime blowing a refreshing breeze upon her face. He knows that sometimes she catches it. She feels it, she smiles. A bit of heaven on earth she thinks, and then quickly returns to her world. He lights up her world by giving her gifts that she mistakenly thinks she stumbled upon by chance at the store. He understands her needs, He knows her heart, He knows her longings to create beauty around her. He loves to catch her grinning.

In her world there is little permission for her to tend and nurture her female soul. To become a dwelling of outstanding beauty for her father. Her soul is deserted and lonely, detached and cold from the lack of precious light and loving exchanges. She does not understand the treasure of the soul of a woman, therefore she is unable to properly attend to its nurture and growth. She does not know what a refreshing sight the well-loved soul of a woman is to her Father.

He is blessed by her nature, her strength, her vulnerability, her courage, her insight, her devotion. She is a creation of wonder to Him. She is the culmination, the peak of His creative inspiration for the earth. She is His beauty. He carries a devoted love for her.

He is grieved to watch her whip herself with words, somehow believing that this severe punishment with facilitate the growth of a soul. He watches as she detaches herself and abandons parts of her being and pieces of her story that are wretched and ugly. Trying to compartmentalize, ignore, or erase those pieces that bring her shame. She does not realize that He has been witness to her entire journey, and holds the story of her life in His Hand. She does not need to hide it from Him, but to carry it to Him. To bring her life, her soul, her story into the very hands of the one who can restore everything. Who can create beauty from the sorrow of ashes….

He longs to place upon her head, a crown of beauty, a reminder of her true place in His world. In His world her value is unmistakable and her royal identity is evident to all. All of heaven sees the great resemblance she bears to her Father. It is well known across His Kingdom how deeply He adores her. It is as though she is the only one. His gaze fondly lingers upon her. This experience alone, could she grasp it, would undo even the deepest sorrow of being forgotten, overlooked, and abandoned. He does have a wonderful plan for her life, but it does not resemble the path she is currently laboring on. It does not resonate with feelings of futility by is purposed by eternal truths.

The eternal truths that His love is so devoted, so true, so pure toward her that He has given deeply of Himself to reclaim her. He counted even a torturous death incomparable to the joy of being eternally united with her. For the hope of her friendship, her love, her unbridled devotion towards Him.

To be continued…..

38 weeks!

Baby is getting fat! For the next few days, until she/he decides it's time to come out, she will continue to put on the weight. An average baby at this times weighs about 7 pounds and is about 20 inches long! WOW! When I actually think about that size and that it is INSIDE me, it's kinda crazy! I am always amazed when my babies come out, I hold them and look at my belly and think, "you were IN there!" Isn't this picture so amazing?? I found it online. Baby has a firm grasp and her organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb! We are all getting so excited to meet this little one....I really like NOT knowing what we're having. I just love surprises and this is the BEST kind. Yesterday morning we were all snuggling in bed and I was picturing Baby right there with us. OH, the boys are just going to smoother this bitty Baby with love & kisses & hugs and hopefully all things kind and gentle!

We rearranged the kitchen last week to place the small pack n' play in there. I like having a changing/sleeping station on both floors....keeps from too much going up and down, especially when changing a newborns diaper 8-10 times a day, (is that how much you change them, I forget)! I have a list of things to get at Target, so I'll do that tomorrow. Also on my "to do" list for tomorrow is to pick up the birthing pool. It's a portable/disposable thing that we rent from a midwifery service. When filled it maintains the temp. at 100* so it's ready when you are. Both Tyler and Luke were born in the water and hopefully this one will be as well....it is so relaxing and calming for me. Here's Tyler a few nights before Luke was born. I'm sure the boys will think it's their new toy!

I came upon this quote today and it made me smile: "By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant." by Phyllis Diller.

"A grand adventure is about to begin."
~Winnie the Pooh~

Joyce Meyer Conference

Well, we made it! Baby is still inside and Mommy had an amazing weekend away! I'm so glad I went, although I will say I was never totally at ease, I just kept thinking "what if I go into labor?" My friend Lindy and I left Thursday morning and made it down to Virginia in great time. The conference was beautiful! Joyce is so full of practical, everyday wisdom and insight that can be applied to our daily lives. I took so many notes I got a blister on my finger! She spoke about the fruits of the Holy Spirit. And the worship.....oh, the glorious worship! The Hillsong team flew over from Australia so the unity on the team was unlike many I have seen or experienced. They seemed to flow as one as they led us into amazing times of worship and celebration. More often then once I thought, "I hope heaven is like this." So many voices singing in unison, casting our cares aside and seeking the face of God and His presence. Baby was jumping all around inside me, it was LOUD! The volunteers were very kind to this very pregnant woman, allowing me to sit in the handicapped areas, (after the conference began and if they were not filled)....the seats were cushioned and my body thanked them!! There was one seat left during every service, I was sooooo grateful!

I started having some cramping on Friday night, it kept me awake and I kept praying this wasn't labor because I didn't want to deliver in the hotel room! I finally called my midwife at 1 am, (sorry Maribeth for the scare)!! She gave me some helpful advice and calmed my nerves a bit. We headed home the next morning. I'm still experiencing a bit of cramping, but nothing major. I have a feeling it was from all the walking we were doing. Our hotel was a few blocks from the arena which was very handy. Lindy was kind to walk my pace, a very slow shuffle of sorts!! We ate out at Olive Garden, Red Lobster and Dairy Queen! It was fabulous. Just sitting, relaxing and eating slowly all while enjoying the company of a dear friend. I am refreshed!

Well, I hear the boys waking from their naps so I should be on my way. Plus, I have about 3 more loads of laundry, (3 down already). How the boys created so many dirty clothes and towels in a 3 day period is beyond my understanding! I'm happy to do it though and know it's all complete. I LOVE having an empty wash basket! Also, I believe that perhaps I am in the nesting phase as I cleaned my bathroom this morning with a toothbrush!! I'm talking the fan/vent thingy on the ceiling, all the way to the bathtub!! I'll post later with some cute Baby pics that were taken this weekend.

Happy Monday!

a weekend away

Darlene Zschech & Hillsong - Angels

My dear friend Lindy is visiting from India for a week. We arranged it to overlap with a conference in Hampton, Virgina. Joyce Meyer will be teaching and Darlene Zschech will be leading worship! Can you say glorious?? We leave this morning around 11 and will return Saturday evening. I'm so looking forward to it, (despite being 38 weeks preggo) and possibly sitting for hours on end, but we can work with that. It's about a 5 hour drive so I told Lindy if I have ONE contraction we're coming home right away. I did find a midwife down there, (who will be attending the conference as well) and I have her cell number, just in case. I told her I hope I never have to talk to her again!! I went to see my midwife today and all is well. Baby is engaged, but no dilation at all.....here's to hoping it will stay that way. I am expecting a sweet time with my dear friend, lingering meals, soaking in the Presence of God with no responsibilities near by and enjoying the sunshine...maybe even some spa time!

I'll keep you updated if I deliver in the hotel room! HA! Have a great weekend, it's going to be beautiful! I went online to see some pictures of where we're going. There's a beautiful walkway linking the arena and our hotel. I choose the hotel closest to the arena so we could walk and not have to drive, (being in traffic with 5,000 other women behind the wheel was NOT my idea of fun)!!

Easter at Grandpa & Grandma's house

My Easter bunnies, all bright eyed and bushy tailed before church....I love how the sleep is still in their eyes! What a cheese ball grin from Tyler!! My handsome men!

Feeling quite preggo this morning! (37 weeks)

Great memories are made each year at Grandpa and Grandma's house. Especially as the boys get older, it's so special watching them join in the fun with all their cousins! We enjoy an amazing meal together to start the day off right....(thank you to my niece Tessa for all the amazing pics)!and then Grandpa and some of the Daddy's hide all the eggs,
(over 100)!!

The Grandkids getting ready for Grandpa to say "GO!"

Chase and Tyler just ran and ran when he said go, they didn't pick up
a single egg for a minute or two and then realized they should maybe get to work! Luke found two eggs, promptly sat down and ate the contents! Tyler with his best friend Chase.

some of my beautiful nieces, seems like only yesterday THEY were running around
with their little baskets!

Hoping that your Easter was filled with
JOY, FEASTING and CELEBRATION.

"Do not be afraid," the angel said, "for I know that you
seek Jesus Who was crucified.
He is not here; for He is risen, as He said.
Come, see the place where the Lord lay."

4th chapter of "The Well-Loved Soul"

See the past three Wednesdays for the first three chapters.

The Master
"The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the
city. They beat me, they bruised me;
they took away my cloak,
those watchmen of the walls!
(song of songs 5:7)

In order for a slave to change her world, she must first change her master…

The slave begins to ponder the benevolence of her Master. Her head, her intellect, her logic hold firmly to the belief that her God loves her and has a wonderful plan for her life. Yet her life experiences scream a very different truth. And it seems they always have. Her inner voice confirms this truth, relentlessly reminding her of her inadequacies, her shortcomings, her failures. The guilt of never measuring up, of not being good enough, of continually falling short of the expected standard, is as constant and familiar as the air she breathes.

Moreover, if she is to be completely honest she feels remarkable confusion and disillusionment with her life as it now exists. Her closest relationships are not as she dreamed they would be. Often the people around her feel like a weight that she must carefully and diligently bear. At times she sees herself as a puppet, with others tugging and pulling on the strings, controlling the outcomes of her day. Frequently, she feels used, taken advantage of and personally adrift. What really is the purpose of her existence is it simply to serve? To carry out the duties of a mundane and thankless life with a joyful heart? This call has become too much to endure. The requirements are too high, too hard to fulfill. She is broken by her inability to fulfill her duty, and confused by a God who would demand so much and give so little. She is shocked by the conclusion of her realization…a God that gives so little. She gives so much, so much love, so much time, so much care to ensure her responsibilities are met, her family is cared for. Where are the promises of peace, joy, and rest for the weary?

Sanctuary is not to be found, when her mind runs with fearful and anxious thoughts; when guilt lay heavy upon the doorstep of her soul; when sadness leaves her feeling lifeless and bruised and when resentment dominates every waking moment. The betrayal is perplexing. Continually she gives all she has and yet she still dwells in an empty, expressionless, sorrowful soul. All she gives never seems to be enough to silence the voice, to create peace, to secure the rest her soul desperately craves. The absolute brokenness of her own soul is overwhelming to her.

She finds her God to be silent, almost cruel as He demands so much from her and provides so little solace, and such meager comfort for the pain of her soul. She tries to listen to Him, to find words of comfort and encouragement and yet He is silent, distant, removed from her world. In His silence, the voice emerges, reminding her of her duty, her call to deny herself and serve. She hears other familiar voices from her family, her boss, the pulpit of her church reminding her not to be selfish, self-absorbed and faithless. To be selfish is to commit a grave crime. To consider herself, her needs, her desires, her dreams is to be self-seeking and that would be wicked.

She feels deeply discouraged that her faith does not provide the anchor of safety her soul desperately craves. She needs to be held, she needs to hear tender words of kindness and love, of protection and safety. She needs to know that she will be okay. That she is okay. That all that concerns her will be okay. She feels undone by her aloneness. The space around her soul is vacant of a caring voice and tender guidance. Absent of the restful, reassurance of a nurturing, proud father.

She grows perplexed by her feelings of disappointment and loss toward her God. It is almost as though she grieves for a love, an assurance, a safety she has never found.
Who really is this master she is bound to? She feels His disapproval so quickly. His standards are so high, yet not completely clear. What must I do exactly to gain His approval? If He would only tell me I would obey. He really is quite difficult to discern. He seems so demanding, so exacting, so stern, so critical, and so judgmental. The disapproval comes so quickly, yet the safety of His approval…have I ever really felt it? The weight of His perfection drains her very soul. He feels so heavy, as though He is watching me, waiting to accuse me in my failure and weakness.

It is then she realizes she is serving the wrong master…

Crock pot Granola!

A dear friend, (thank you Jena) told me about making granola in the crock pot. I've been making granola for years, but always used the oven and found that keeping such a close eye on it got to be annoying. This is the recipe I've always used, just in a crock pot instead! It smells SO GOOD ALL DAY LONG and makes you want to eat some every time you go to stir it. It does take longer, but if you're home all day anyway, it's something nice to have going.

I will share the recipe in double batch form because if you make a single batch it will literally be gone in one day and then you will be sad.....so, just double it from the beginning!

8 cups old fashioned oats
3 cups sliced almonds, (I use sunflower seeds, flax seed, pumpkin seeds, any kind of seed if you don't have almonds....plus, sliced almonds can be alot of $).

1 cup packed light brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 cup cooking oil
1/2 cup honey, (I use pancake syrup if I'm out of honey)
2 tsp. vanilla
3 cups raisins or dried cranberries

Coat crock pot lightly w/ non-stick spray.

Pour dry ingredients into crock pot and stir.

In a saucepan warm the oil, honey and vanilla.

Pour over dry ingredients.

Keep crock pot on low for 4-5 hours, stir every 20-30 minutes, (or whenever you pass by, that's the way I gauge it). LEAVE LID CRACKED OPEN W/ THE WOODEN SPOON YOU USE TO STIR IT or it will get too moist. After it cools, add the raisins. You can also freeze this for up to 3 months. Eat and feed it to your children over yogurt, with milk, over ice cream or in a plastic baggie as a snack. ENJOY!

Growing up so fast!

Early this morning Luke came over to our bed. This isn't rare, usually one or the other will make their way to our bed, have a short cuddle time, and then we carry them or ask them to go back to their bed. It's a sweet time for all of us. It's usually sometime after 1 am, I loose track of time. This morning I wasn't so eager to send Luke back to his bed, I just laid there in the darkness remembering so vividly his first months with us, the nighttime feedings, the hours spend gazing at him in awe of his beauty and perfection, the little noises that newborns make as they fall asleep.....and then I realized he's not my baby anymore....he's getting so big, seeming so grown up all of the sudden.

Luke, 1 day old.

Luke age 2 months. Same goes for Tyler, our almost 4 year old! Somehow he was born and then we slept a few times and now he's 4!

Tyler-16 months old.

Having those little moments with Luke help me recollect how fast time does go. Although it's not always easy, I must embrace the NOW. I was reading over some of my old journal entries the other day and came upon a few sentences. "I was in the grocery store today and an older lady came up to me and said, 'my, how I miss those days as a young Mother.' At first I wanted to laugh, but the more I thought about what she said, the more I realized that our kids grow and we tend to stay the same, left behind wondering...where did all those years go?"

Speaking of time going by quickly, my nephew Bennett is almost 6 months old already! What?? He was JUST born and I'm not kidding!

He's such a jolly fellow....just goes with the flow and doesn't make much of a fuss unless he needs something, but even those time seem few and far between with all his little "Mothers", (he has 4 older sisters) surrounding him. He's a joy to watch grow....soon he'll be running full force into the day! We're so glad you were born Bennett!

"I knew when I met you an adventure was going to happen."
~ A.A. Milne~

Early Mother's Day gift

Hello Friends!! My honey came home with a truckload of furniture last week; nasty, old, smelly furniture with brass handles and a gleam in his eye. "What is THAT?", I questioned? "I got it for free, I'd like to redo it for our bedroom, an early Mother's day gift!" Eyebrows up!! Let me begin by saying we never had a bedroom suite. Our first apartment was entirely too small, (our bed barely fit in the room), so we never bought/registered for one. When we moved here we just used odds and ends and I was happy with the eclectic look. I know when my husband sees vision, watch out because it will be: 1.) done quickly, 2.) be perfect and 3.) be way more beautiful then I could have ever imagined. So, I resigned myself to the fact that this furniture would have his undivided attention for a week...and so it was! It arrived on a Monday night and this past Saturday afternoon was moved in, (with the help of our brother-in-law Marlin....50 never looked so good, barely a sweat broke out)!! I just LOVE it, I hardly want to close my eyes at night and in the morning, when the sun shines through the windows it's the first thing I look at and just smile. On Saturday morning he asked me to come distress it. I used heavy duty sandpaper and it worked wonderfully....just a touch of old world around the corners. The dark wood came through right away and added so much. Here's a picture of the room BEFORE. I found that chest of drawers in someones trash pile along the road, touched it up a bit and it was ours! Other then that we didn't have any drawers, just his/hers closets.

Here's the view when you walk in now.

I hardly know what to do with all the drawer space I have. The adorable vintage bassinet you see to the right came from craigslist last week.

It was JUST what I've been waiting for.....wooden base with a wicker crib. It was in excellent shape and has been freshly laundered....ready and waiting!

I think the headboard is my favorite. I never knew how nice a headboard is.
We always just leaned against a wall.

It really feels like a beach retreat, so refreshing and soothing, a place of peace and refuge.

We enjoyed our Sunday at home...just being together, resting. A sort of calm before Baby arrives....a time to SLEEP and spend some quality time with the boys. I made my honey breakfast in bed, a much deserved reward...although had he done nothing
I still would have served him....rarely, if ever is he in bed after I get up so I took the opportunity.

Where time has been slipping I cannot say! Just tonight I realized that our baby is due in 3 weeks, I thought I had 4!!! I just don't FEEL ready yet, I have a list of things I'd like to organize before he/she arrives, but I'm not sure they will all get that lovely red check marked placed beside them....and I'll have to be okay with that. I don't think I FEEL emotionally ready either, it's just sneaking up on me so quickly!!! Where have these MONTHS gone? Now we're down to weeks, and only a few at that! I keep reminding myself that THE GRACE I NEED isn't here yet, it will fall on me, envelop me and sometimes come in a way I don't quite recognize when Baby arrives....this I KNOW and have experienced twice before and TRUST it will happen again.

"Yet the duties God requires of us are not in proportion to the strength we possess in ourselves. Rather, they are proportional to the resources available to us in Christ. We do not have the ability in ourselves to accomplish the least of God’s tasks. This is a law of grace. When we recognize it is impossible to perform a duty in our own strength, we will discover the secret of its accomplishment. But alas, this is a secret we often fail to discover."
~John Owen~

Discovering God's grace for TODAY!

3rd chapter of "The Well-Loved Soul"

See previous Wednesdays posts for chapters 1 and 2.

The Slave
"…my own vineyard I have neglected."
(song of songs 1:6)

The journey of slavery is hard, thankless, demeaning, undignified and quite shameful. After all a slave has no voice of her own. She exists to fulfill the needs of others. Her thoughts, her feelings, her wellness matters not. Others expect her unflinching service and obedience. The severe demands of slavery has taught her to ignore herself. She has come to learn that she can perform at all costs even when she is sick, anxious, overwhelmed, apprehensive, desperate, empty, abused or angry. The show must go on. How she is treated or how she feels matters not. After all, a slave’s value is found exclusively in her ability to perform. If she can not perform and maintain her usefulness, her very existence is in question.

Her survival depends on not disappointing those around her lest they discover she is not who she appears to be; strong, flawless, unflinching, selfless. She can not express needs of any type, less she becomes a bother. A slave can not place demands on others, after all she is worthless. Not even of sufficient significance to merit the basic rights of free women.

The delight of choice, discovery, self-expression, freedom, fulfillment they are only a heavy mist that intermittently disturbs her reality. Far more distressing to the devoted slave, is the unsettling realization that in the secret places of her heart she has discovered that she is not as good as she pretends to be. She holds secret dreams of escape, longing for carefree days, longing to be loved, protected, held, free. Surely she reasons this must be a devout longing for my eternal home. Yet she is still troubled, because accompanying those hidden desires are disquieting emotions. At times she feels sad, deeply sad not even caring whether she lives or dies. Other times she is enraged, irritated, bitter, and resentful at the very people she is called to serve. Where is the love and grace of God to aid me in my service? The promised peace and joy are relatively nonexistent. At times she finds herself pleading with God, begging for circumstances to change, for rescue to come. At other times she is resigned and stoic, even accepting of her slavery. But what alarms her most is the times when she feels furious, betrayed by the God she serves. How could He allow her life to be so dreary, so desperate, and so painful? The desperate state of her soul conflicts with her faith, with her slavery, with the promises of God. Her situation is yet made worse, by the knowledge that she must hide the darkness that dwells is her soul. The dreadful turmoil is hers alone to bear. To express the chaos is to betray her faith, her role, her understanding of her benevolent God. But concealing the ugliness exacts its own price. She finds herself becoming increasingly distanced in her relationships. Honesty, truth, vulnerability, the staples of satisfying friendships is beyond her grasp. She is hiding within herself , and continually erasing glimmers of who she really is. Slowly her soul is disappearing

Somehow she must fight back, she must make sense of this insanity. Though she appears to live without want or need, her internal soul is screaming for release. She has been violently thrown into a crisis of the soul. Somehow she has managed to pick herself up from this disillusionment in the past, but this is stronger, more forceful. It demands a change. She senses her very life depends on it. She is perplexed, how can a slave change her world?

2nd chapter of "The Well-Loved Soul"

Here is the 2nd installment of "The Well-Loved Soul." Each Wednesday for the next month will be a new chapter.

The Voice
"All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find Him."
(song of songs 3:1)

He walks near her, yet she does not notice. He calls her name over and over again, but she can not hear. The harsh, inner voice is too loud. It shuts out all His tender words, His passionate pleas for her to come home to him. To find a safe space, a place of gentleness and warmth for her soul. A soft place to land, to discover sanctuary and begin the journey of restoration.

Today the voice has pinned her soul to the ground. She has failed to live up to the “now-your-enough standard”. The torment of the familiar curses begins, “I am simply not enough. Not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not kind enough, not thin enough, not competent enough, not hard-working enough and not spiritual enough. I should be so much better than I am.” And yet she wonders why she is so exhausted. Not recognizing the cost she is exacting upon her soul by daily waging a war of worth. She tries hard to be all she needs to be, for all the people in her life. It seems that everyone holds a hoop that she must try and jump through. She can hardly bear the disappointment when she fails to meet their expectations. The cost of failure is too high. She needs their approval, she needs their love, as it her only means of silencing the voice.

She had accepted the accusations of the voice and its standards so completely that she can no longer separate it from her own. Frequently she finds herself joining the voice in a litany of self-punishment. Sometimes she attempts to fight the voice, but the voice is strong, clever and devious. In the end it always wins because in her heart she has resigned herself to the belief that the voice speaks the truth. It is simple reflecting the “truth” of who she really is. And the “truth” of what is expected from her.

The voice is well entrenched, it draws its life from a thick, murky pool comprised of a lifetime of disillusioning experiences. Experiences that have taught her she is without value, without beauty and therefore not worthy of the honor of love and celebration. Her soul bears witness to cruel words and heartless actions. She has known what it is to be overlooked and ignored. She has felt the sting of being used and then casually tossed aside. She has fully absorbed the knowledge of her own insignificance and worthlessness.

Ironically, the voice assures its victories by drawing on her precious faith. The voice reminds her that she exists to serve, to suffer, and to die to herself. After all is she not a slave of Christ? Perhaps the voice is actually the Holy Spirit convicting her of her sin and guilt. The voice passes judgment upon her based upon standards that she is miserably failing. She is in agreement with the voice and wears her shame and guilt like a heavy, oppressive garment. It feels like just punishment for one who has failed. It feels like appropriate humility in light of her perpetual failure.

It feels like she is being a humble, good Christian. Yet she wonders…