thoughts about not homeschooling.

Tomorrow morning I send my baby off to school. My first child's first day of Kindergarten, (ironically it's my oldest sister who is sending her LAST child off to her first day of her SENIOR year)! The circle of life!

Oh, be still my heart! I'm SO EXCITED FOR HIM. We met his sweet teacher last week and saw his classroom, his eyes just lit up when he entered the room. Upon seeing his teacher for the first time he said, "Hiiii Mrs. Ditzleeer" in the sweetest, kindest, high-pitched voice you ever did hear! (he even drug out his words as written above). "I got this map for you from Dutch Wonderland and here's some meadow tea, it's from my house." He handed her a mason jar full of cold meadow tea and his little tattered map, so delighted with himself! He took a tour of his room and colored a picture, talking with his teacher almost the entire time.

For the past month he has been coming to me each day with a first-day-of-school countdown. He has his own calender on which he crosses out each day, (when he wakes up~~before the day has even begun)! :) And so, each morning he announces with glee how many days until he goes to school. "Only one more day 'til school Mom, I'm getting so tall like you, I'm going to miss you Mom and when I come home you will ask me, 'how was school today Tyler?'"

I have such a peace about not homeschooling him this year, although coming to that decision was not an easy one for me. A lot of internal wrestling. Feeling like a failure. Perhaps I didn't give it my all, if I would have tried harder then it would have worked, gone smoothly, blossomed.

Is something wrong with me? Am I too selfish to even try? These and many, many more questions......a journey working through this was mine this past Summer. Jake really left it up to me, this decision. He understood that it was I who would be taking on the extra workload and he was fully supportive in whatever choice I made. I so appreciate that about him. And he was gentle with me, firm too. He saw the stress I carried in trying to do it all. He saw that there were more days of me not enjoying it, then enjoying it. He didn't like the way things were going around here.And neither did I.

Don't get me wrong, we had a wonderful year together and I do not regret it one bit.  We lived and learned together, so much quality time, we went on lots of field trips, lots of reading and writing and watching Tyler learn before me was exhilarating. Yet it still wasn't working as a whole.  

Maybe my priorities are out of line.  It's my child's EDUCATION so I should TRY HARDER to do it all.  And quite frankly, I WANT to do it all and do it perfectly too. And that's the problem. I see others around me supposedly doing it well, almost effortlessly. But that's not the truth, it's not my priorities that are out of line, it's my PERCEPTION that's out of line.  And I am NOT saying that if you homeschool that you are trying to do it all.  It is a decision that you have come to for your home and it is working for you. And I am happy for you, I celebrate your life and it's ebb and flow.  May this year be more flow then ebb, wherever you choose to educate your children. 

There are sacrifices made within homeschooling homes that I know nothing of.  Actually, some of my best friends homeschool their children and I DO KNOW just a bit of what they face, they tell me. The sweet times, the challenges, trials, victories, joys and confirmations. And yet, even in talking with them, I still do not fully understand. Can we ever understand someone elses life without living it? The high regard I have for my homeschooling friends is beyond words.

One of my deepest desires is to excel at all I try, at all I put my hand to. And that's not a bad thing, it's when trying to succeed at something comes at the cost of those around me, that's when it crosses over into something unhealthy. Something selfish even. Self-serving and done in my own strength.

Excellence gone bad.

I don't have any clear cut answers, no ABC's as to why it didn't work out with homeschooling him. I just knew it wasn't working for us, within our home and hearts. Not to say it never will, I am open to homeschooling Luke and Paisley or even Tyler at a different stage. I guess the bottom line is this:

And that's fine.

it's fine.

it is o-k.

it's not failure.

Dare I say it might actually be success?

Realizing this and living it out for yourself?

And so, tomorrow morning I send my baby off to school. My first child's first day of Kindergarten.

 

"Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations."

~Faith Baldwin~

p.s. my apologies to all who may be crying because of the first song, "Hourglass" by Mindy Gledhill.  It's a tear-jerker or maybe it was just me. xoxo.

Some links to the past

Happy Friday Everyone~

we're in high gear getting ready for my brothers wedding tomorrow!

All 3 kids are in the wedding, (pray for us)!!

I'm guest posting over at Bryan Allain's blog...
it's the most unladylike subject possible:
Poop....
You'll understand if you read it!

For any of Bryan's readers who have made their way over here,
I'll put up a few links to some older posts,
some "get to know ya" posts~~hope you enjoy!
Thanks for taking the time to visit!!

*Let's say you live in a cold, drafty farmhouse
and your mortgage and oil bill pretty much match, then here's how you might save some $$ with a wood stove.

*So, you're having a baby at home and the midwife doesn't make in time.
( husband catches baby)!

*A French Dinner party for my husband because I love him and would like to thank him for catching the aforementioned baby,
oh, and it was his birthday!

*The Story of how I married this Amish man of mine, (he was Amish until age 17).
I'm so glad I didn't judge an ex-Amish man by his cover, (i.e. silk shirt, tight jeans and white high tops)!

*A little tour of our vintage kitchen.

*Blogging 101~some blogging advice from Mr. Bryan Allain

*My thoughts and judgements about homeschooling. *

So there you have it, a few links to the past.....
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!

“Live life so completely
that when death comes to you like a thief in the night,
there will be nothing left for him to steal.”
~unknown author~

A is for Apple with a worm in it!!

Well, so far, so good.

I survived the first 2 weeks of homeschooling......

and guess what,

GASP......i still don't have a curriculum!!

DON'T TELL ANYONE, K??

Here I am again having to swallow all the words I use to say about:

1.) "those Mom's that homeschool."

and

2.) "those Mom's that homeschool WITHOUT curriculum!!"

I'm don't think I'm an "unschooler", (at least that's not my intention) because I am actually still searching around for a curriculum that matches us, (suggestions taken in the comment section if you'd like)!! And I think I'd like one because as one friend pointed out, coming up with your own stuff week after week can be mentally exhausting, (so far it hasn't been, but we're only one the 3rd letter of the alphabet)!! Also, I don't want to *miss* anything that Tyler *should* be learning at this time.

BUT, (hold on for the ride)

what if I don't. What if I just keep doing what I'm doing and go all the way to the letter Z and then start something else?!?!??! What will you think of me and WHY DO I CARE?? Will he end up dumb because I didn't use a curriculum? What if he doesn't learn to read until he's in 1st grade? How's he going to "turn out?" How ridiculous are these questions? This journey has been soooo good for me!! Just showing me again how I'd like to think I do things for ME, for US and not for OTHERS! And yet how are my decisions TRULY MADE? Are they based off of what OTHER MAYS SAY behind my back and THINK OF ME and our family?

We've all sort of melted into a rhythm that's working nicely for us right now,
three mornings a week at our school table. Sometimes Luke joins us, sometimes it's just Tyler and I. We started something pretty neat each week. Tyler picks someone he knows that has a name which begins with our weekly letter and we make/send that person a card. He does all the writing and I tell him how to spell the words. He puts the stamp on and writes the address, puts it in the mailbox and lifts the flag.

A is for Aiden.

B is for Bennett.

Today we had reading hour with our homeschool co-op. About 25-30 children. It was great and they all did so well. I was pleasantly surprised with how "uneventful" it was. They listened attentively to a classic reading of "Beauty and the Beast." (which coincidentally goes nicely as we are at the end of "letter B" week.) Next Tuesday we'll finish the final chapter and then on Friday we're going to see "Beauty and the Beast" at the Fulton Opera House. So excited for that. The last time we went Tyler and I had a wonderful time together.

On the way home we stopped at the Strasburg Railroad because Thomas is in town.

We ate lunch, got a Thomas tattoo and looked at all the toys I'll never buy them!!

Yesterday we ate lunch along a farmers lane that runs beside the railroad.
Thomas came by and "peeped" at them and the boys raced him, running along the dirt lane......

Tomorrow we're going on our first field trip with our homeschool group.

There's about 40 of us. We're going to Highland Orchards to pick apples, go on a hayride, build a scarecrow and get diarrhea from drinking too much apple cider!!!

Do you know how excited I am to start letter "C" week??

Because, you see, one of my favorite things starts with that great letter???

Why CHOCOLATE of course!!!! And it just so happens that there is a place not too far from here where they make TONS OF CHOCOLATE EACH DAY!! Hershey Chocolate World is on the list! Oh JOY!!!!!!

In other news, my Mom is awesome!

I came home today to my house spotlessly cleaned, my laundry done and jars of fresh grape jelly sitting on my counter top!! I could hardly believe my eyes! There was a note on the table, "a little fairy was here, sorry I missed you!" I want to be a Mom like that someday.

Told Tyler the other day, "ever since you were a baby I would look in your eyes and think of the ocean!" nice little pause. "Your eyes look like the inside of my nose Mom!" Mother stares blankly at her child, blinking several times and shakes head side to side and then bursts into laughter!!

For those of you that have children in school or around your kitchen table, I hope you are each coming to "terms" with the decisions you've made for your children for 2010.

I have an idea~~let's do something together this year:

STOP CARING SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!!

Sounds good to me.......

Ready.

Set.

Go.

I had this quote on my fridge for about 5 years...I should have never taken it down:

“I don’t know the key to success,
but the key to failure
is trying to please everybody.”
~ Bill Cosby~

Homeschool

Hello Friends.

I hope you all have enjoyed the last splashes of Summertime!! It's a busy time of year for many of you as you prepare your homes and hearts for the Fall Festivities of Life, (i.e. school)!! There's something comforting in hearing the drone of the school bus engine rev back to life. Something familiar about the dailiness of it. This year "school" has taken up a lot of my mind and heart time. I can't believe we're in "that" phase already....our boy is 5 and it's time for school.

As you can guess by the title of this post we've decided to homeschool Tyler for Kindergarten this year. Not an easy decision and one that I lost sleep over for sure. I didn't know I still cared so much about what people thought of us and our personal decisions, but apparently I do. A lot. It's bothered me immensely and actually kept me from sharing it with my you, my " blog friends". However many, (or few) of you there are.

Anyway, homeschooling. I don't know if I'm really into that label per se, but it's what I'm doing this year, the choice we've made for 2010-2011. I really don't know why I am filled with so much self doubt. This has always been something I've thought about, much the same way I've thought and felt about home birthing.....just a personal decision. A decision that is made on a child-by-child basis or in this case, a year to year basis. Yesterday was a rough day for me as our district started school, "real" school. I heard the fire crackers go off at 6:45am, (I'm sure it was the parents celebrating, not the kids)!! :) I watched the buses go by, saw the stream of "first day of school" pictures flood my facebook home page and thought about what Tyler's missing. WHAT HAVE I DONE? What if he's missing out on an amazing Kindergarten year, first time experiences, social interaction on a daily basis with kids his age, circle time? I had a rough day full of self doubt and anxiety. Thoughts of just taking him to the door and registering him on the spot, (I know they don't do that, but I still thought about it).

I cried to Jake and struggled within myself the entire.day. Serious second thoughts. And then this morning came and we had our "first day of Kindergarten". What changed from when I crawled in bed last night to this morning I'm not sure, but I woke up ready to dive in....okay, ready to put my toe in is more like it. I was so scared. What the heck? All these emotions came flooding over me again. How can one nights sleep change things so much? These expectations are completely self imposed and yet I feel, in the back of my mind and heart that I have to prove myself to those around me. That's no way to live life and it certainly isn't the way to live a TRULY FREE life. Fear of man, no thank you. Expectations of man, I'll pass. We got dressed, the boys had some new shirts they were very proud of. We ate breakfast and they put their little backpacks on and we went onto the front porch. I'll be doing some preschool work with Luke as well. We took some pictures of our first day and they each released ONE balloon. A little tradition we're starting with the kids....each year they will add another balloon. Probably around 7th grade, (or before) they'll roll their eyes at me, but I'll make them do it anyway! :) Then we all walked back into the living room. I had to laugh. Who was I kidding? Was I playing pretend school with them? Would they take me seriously or just run to play trains and completely disregard what I say?

They sat down at our newly renovated "school room". And we cracked the books. Paisley was on my lap, Tyler to my left and Luke on my right and I felt totally overwhelmed. Since I haven't fully decided on a curriculum as of now we just simply started with the good ol' letter A. We did some worksheets and came up with funny stories with words that start with the letter A. Tyler practiced writing the letter A, "can you write an A here?" I asked. "Should I do lowercase or uppercase A Mom?" Well, okay then!! We had snack time together with their new containers/drink bottles I got them. Tyler has a "cars" set and Luke has a "toy story" set. We cut out a small, medium and large apple and taped it on the door, with worms coming out of them. We walked to the library and Tyler got his own library card, (so proud). He had to tell the Lady how to spell his name and his address, (with some help from Mom). Together we picked out 5 books that started with the letter A. We walked home, ate lunch and read some of the books. We played "brain quest" and Tyler loved it. We ate apple pie. He played on starfall.com for a bit. And then we all took naps.

I was dead tired. Seriously, I haven't been that tired in.a.very.long.time. I know that with any transition in life there are adjustments. I don't know what I'm doing, I'll be the first to say it, however I have a desire to learn, some excellent resources and a great group of Moms to balance this all this out with, (sounds a lot like when I was pregnant with my firstborn)! Starting next week we'll be together with a group of approx. 20 children, twice a week. I look forward to sharing with you our journey through our first, (and possibly last?) year of homeschooling. I hold this whole concept very lightly and have no expectations for our homeschooling future. My very loosely held goal and desire with Tyler is to begin to teach him how to read this year. I hesitate to even share that for fear of failure. But I'm going to anyway.....who am I trying to impress with this decision I've made? It's just something I wanted to try and how will I know if this is for us without trying? That question brings me back around to what I wrote about at the start of this post....what if I'm messing Tyler up? Keeping him back from great things? As someone once said, "We're not changing the world or anything here! Just give them some coloring books and flash cards and call it a day!!" I don't necessarily agree with that, (the last part), but the underlying tone was well received. Stop stressing about the decisions you've made and JUST DO THE BEST you can with where you're at. I'm going to embrace this decision and HAVE A BLAST TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY!!! I want the boys to remember this year as one of FUN, CREATIVITY, STRUCTURE AND EXPLORATION!!! One thing I am really looking forward to, (once we work out the new kinks of schedule/routine/nap times) is THE QUALITY TIME WITH TYLER that I will have. The day to day interaction and growth that I get to watch happen before my eyes. There are many, many things that will be required of me this year unlike other years. Time management, organization, following through, just to name a few. Those attributes aren't my strong suit that's for certain. I'm willing to be changed though, (I WANT to change those things about me). Homeschooling for 2010-2011 will FORCE this. And I'm okay with that, (check with me again in November, maybe again in February and then also in April on that last statement)!!!!!!! :)
LIFE IS A JOURNEY, NOT AN ASSEMBLY LINE. That's how I feel about parenting/schooling....we all do things differently, (FOR NO BETTER OR WORSE), just DIFFERENTLY. I hope you don't judge me the way I've judged other homeschool Moms in the past, but if you do I'll have to be okay with that.....somehow life has a way of shifting things you always *thought* toward others. I've had to really look inward and ask for forgiveness for my thoughts toward "them". I didn't understand so I judged.....safer that way.

*You think you're better then me because you homeschool.
*Your poor children are stuck at home because of you're decisions.
*Apparently you think it's more "godly" to keep your kids at home?
*Who do you think you are to do something that is MEANT for professionals?
*You have control issues.
*You must not truly trust God with your kids, otherwise you'd send them to school like normal people do.
*Superwoman? Please, stop trying to impress everyone.
*You just want to keep your children out of "the world."

Those are just a FEW of my inner thoughts I've had over the years about homeschooling in general....now I'm there, right in it and it feels so different, so scary. I feel small, not "in charge" or "cool" or "super" by any means. Quite the opposite actually, I feel so inadequate. This process has awakened feelings in me that I didn't know were there or I thought have been "worked through"~~fear of what other people might think and say, expectations I have on myself that are unrealistic, (in other areas besides homeschooling), feelings of inadequacy, (who wants to do stuff they might not be good at? It's hard to try something new)!!, self-doubt, comparison, anxiety.
My God has a way of revealing the black places of my heart. Ultimately, it's HIS OPINION OF ME, OF OUR HOUSEHOLD THAT MATTERS MOST.
so if you're still reading, bless your heart and eyes......today I pray this prayer over you wherever you are and whatever you're facing:

"God~help us to care more about what YOU think then what others SAY. Amen."

"For the LORD your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." ~Zephaniah 3:17