the madness of motherhood

It's a snowy/rainy Monday morning, 

or wait, it's afternoon now.
I wouldn't know because I'm still in my pj's, as are the girls.

The boys got fed and dressed and off to school, 

does that count for "getting something done?"

Last night as I lay in bed I told Jake that I felt so overwhelmed at what will meet me in the morning, as it does every morning.  All the messes to clean up, (because I was just so tired I wanted to sleep and not spend another hour cleaning up from our Sunday loungefest).  I just wonder why I even clean up sometimes.  

EVERYTHING I DO GETS UNDONE. 

And honestly, most times I'm fine with it, it's "life" right now, our "season" of Motherhood. And then on other days/moments I feel so  frustrated by it.  How did all this pile up when Friday night it was perfectly clean and straightened up?  

So, instead of getting my butt into gear, I'm writing about how I don't want to.  But I know it will get done, it HAS to, there is no one else that will or can do it.  It is my portion for today.  And so I'm going to spend a few minutes extracting joy from it, I'm going to look around and count my blessings and name them one by one:

* the fire is roaring and keeping us all toasty warm.

* I have a house to clean, (a fellow neighbors home was completely destroyed in a fire the other night).  I heard the sirens and of course, the curious cat that I am, I had to find it's source. So, I bundled up at 2:45am and walked toward the billows of smoke, about one mile round trip.  It was freezing cold and exhilarating. 

Ok, so I'm sure there are more things I could squeeze out, but I don't have the mental energy right now. 

I'll pour another cup of coffee and put on some groovy praise music, (Bryan and Katie Torwalt is my newest favorite itunes purchase, a sweet gift from my friend Angie) and their pandora station is great too.  Here's to getting my hands a workin'.

If you're in the same boat I am, let's jump ship together and swim to shore before we all sink down into our sea of laundry!!

Bon voyage, dear friends!!  

"This mess is a place!"

  ~Author Unknown~

between shoulders

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, 

for He shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves 

rests between his shoulders."

Deuteronomy 33:12

I've often wondering what "resting between shoulders" looked like.
And then it came to me the other week as Capri was taking a nap on me....there she was on my chest, 
between my shoulders. 
And it sank deep into me
 along with her heavy body and steady breathing.
I have a resting place too, 
a place I long for, but often pay no attention to.
There's too much noise for my eyes, 
all around me, distracting me.
nice, good things, but distractions nonetheless. 

At the kitchen sink, (my second home) 
I thought of how mundane Motherhood can be.
laundry~cleaning~cooking~picking up toys~swapping out clothing~taxi driving~teaching~training~repeat. 
And I'm ok with that, it's where I am right now, 
where many of us are right now.
However, I'm not ok with just existing here, 
I long to enjoy now and not wish it away
or frown upon it.
I long to find true fulfillment in the daily duties.
I don't want to live, 
frustrated.

God, show me the way of rest.
What it looks like right where I'm at, 
in the middle of the madness.
Is it possible?  Is there rest to be found in the dailiness of life?
Is there rest in broken relationships waiting for restoration?
Is there rest in betrayal and shattered trust?
Is there rest in the weariness? In the overwhelming place?
In the fear?

Here is a beautiful article that spoke right to me, 
refreshed me from my eyes to my heart.
"3 ways to really enter into His rest right now." 
by Ann Voscamp

"We have to take time to connect with Him, 
share our heart with Him, 
and let Him clear our mind 
and soothe our spirit."
~an excerpt from another fabulous article~

getting breathed on

It's a cozy morning here in our old farmhouse. 

A little chilly, the walls are getting cold, 
ready for the warmth of our wood stove.

I just got done getting breathed on. 

It's one of my favorite things about having a baby in our home.

I lay next to her heavy sleeping body, all snuggled in our down bed.

I quietly place my face as close to hers as I can, 
nuzzled under her nose without really touching her, 

and I lay as still as possible.

 I close my eyes and open my ears and 
then all at once I feel it. 
Her little puffs of breath falling on me.

I hear her quick steady breathing and her little baby noises.

And I stay there as long as I can.

Our worlds as close as they can be, 

our breath mingling, creating a sweet scent.

I promise you, sleeping babies have the sweetest smell. 

This only lasts so long, because even now when I try to do this with my sleeping 7 and 5 year old, well, they stink.

Stinky sleeping breath, it's just not the same.  

There's only so much time to breathe in their sleeping sweetness.

And so I lay there until tears start to well up, 

tears of gratitude and 
so much love that my heart can't even handle it. 
And I meet with God.

"Babies are such a nice way to start people."
  ~Don Herrold

school starts tomorrow

tomorrow morning i will say goodbye to my sweet guy. 

8:25am-3:30pm

i can hardly type it. 

 i am so excited for him and kinda sad for me. 

 thankful for the beautiful daily life we share together. 

 i will miss him here, his imagination that infuses every hour. 

 his presence. his conversation. 

him. 

be good to him world. 

And tomorrow marks an extra special day for our Lukie.

The very first, first day of school. 

He's so excited and has all his things in order.

He doesn't seem scared or nervous right now, but confident.

I will miss his happy play, his endless inventions. 

I'm grateful he will only be gone half the day, 

from 12:30-3:30. 

My baby isn't a baby anymore. 

He's strong.

and independent.

and ready. 

It's almost midnight.

I had am having a good cry. 

They don't need me quite so much 

and that's the way it should be, but letting go is hard. 

I love you boys so much. 

"The days are long but the years are short."

~Mom’s wisdom~

capri days

Hello all. 

we're doing well here in our home, 

2 weeks since adding a new soul.

adjusting to our new normal, our new sweet sunshine.

she has made it easy to say the least, (it's still hard at times because I'm tired, but for the most part this adjustment has been my easiest...I attribute it to the ages of the older 3 children.  Makes SUCH a difference having older kids around)! 

for real though, she is such.a.good.baby.

our first outing was last week, swimming at my sister's house. she slept the entire time in the gazebo. summer breezes all around her. 

i'm getting my creative energy out by creating facebook 

"cover photos" over at picmonkey.com.  so fun!  

here is one of my favs from july 4th.

also i've been doing a little redecorating too.  added some "nautical" touches to the living room last week.

i miss the beach so badly.

so i brought it home.

kinda.

Seriously loved little girl!

The older children are CONSTANTLY asking to hold her.

They love her so much. 

Paisley and Luke don't say their letter r's quite clearly yet so the way they say her name is just ridiculously cute!

"Ca-pree."

one week old.

she looks so much older.

she stares a hole right into your soul.

not many smiles, very inquisitive.

peaceful.

quiet.

very much like the moment she was born, 
(i WILL share her birth story, it's just taking time to write). 

xoxo.

Coffee with Capri.

Ruche has a new line of clothing.

it's not even right.

This is where I find my girls 

most of the day!

I'm so thankful for our little "nook", it's just right for Capri

and Paisley loves to pull her chair up and be with her sister.

loves it. 

My Paisley-girl is growing up so fast!!

and boy, can she TALK!! she's so expressive and tells stories with such gusto!  I love interacting with her.

she's feisty too, don't get me wrong! 

SUGAR AND SPICE and everything nice! :)

Almost time for the midnight feeding so I better get going.  I'm not a scheduled feeder by nature, wasn't with my other children either, more of an on-demand nurser, but Capri has fallen nicely into the 12am, 3am, 6am, 9am, 12pm, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm feedings all by herself so I'm going with it.....although some nights I just don't go to bed until after this feeding, (normally we're in bed by 10)....I know I'm going to have to wake up anyway, so what's 2 extra hours?  :)

"People who say they sleep like a baby 

usually don't have one."

  ~Leo J. Burke~

introducing capri to her family

oh, the love.  the love we have for this new baby, our Capri, it's so deep already.  she belongs here.  i want to share her birth story with you all, but first have to share these beautiful pictures of her first day here.  Remember my sweet friend who took pictures of the nursery?  Well, she offered to come on Capri's first day and take pictures of when the children met her for the first time.  It was precious.  The anticipation of their arrival, the "reveal", (they didn't know if it was a boy or girl until they walked in) and their individual reactions to her....oh, they LOVED ON HER from the first moment.  jumping on our bed and diving into her face, smothering her with awe and wonder, warmth and kisses, love and acceptance.  

see for yourself.

xoxo.

"What is this life if, full of care, 

we have not time to stand and stare." 

~W. H. Davies~

happy mother's day!

 came upon some old pictures the other day. 

they resonated with me because i am my mother now, 

caring for young children, 

carrying a baby. 

I remember her almost always letting me "help" or at the least, "watch" her in the kitchen.  Here she is making applesauce, washing, peeling and coring the apples to begin the process.  

Dinner time was important. 

Everyone around the table.

together. 

I still don't know how she did it, 

meal after meal after meal for all those growing bodies, (4 sons)

and my Dad.  Filling their bellies with so much love.

 Made from scratch delights. 

I think we're singing a song here, (my sister Fan has her singing face on).  :)

We often sang our prayers, as we now do today around our table. And in the middle of it all, a little jar with a fresh pink flower. 

Not sure if that was my Mother's doing, but it's the little things that were, (and still are) important in making a house a home.  

Even just a simple bud in a vase.  

The dishes at this table now belong to me, our "everyday" dishes that Mom was going to sell at a garage sale one year, I bought them from her, ever the business woman, she wasn't about to give them away....even to her own daughter!!  Now I feed my children with them.  The circle of life. 

(side note: that's me on her lap, and boy, does that face ever look familiar, I see it in my girl when she's forced to listen, or stay at the table against her wishes....I think that's what's happening here as well)!!  

So many lunches to pack.

The broom rests on the wooden chair.

She flies around the corner getting things done 

at the speed of life.

The sun has not yet risen.

THOSE HANDS have worked so hard in her lifetime, raising 8 children under her care; providing comfort, gardening, cooking, baking her famous sho-fly pies, cleaning, writing handwritten letters, serving, praying, milking cows, canning, giving her newborn grandchildren their first baths, feeding armies of people, collecting lovely dishes, and the list goes on. 

a legacy of love, 

hard work 

and gratitude.

thank you doesn't seem enough. 

BIRTHDAY BREAKFAST WITH OUR MOM. 

"kettle sings a morning song,

the bacon's frying, babies crying

I soak up the sights and sounds.

Minutes turn to days and I wish that I could 

slow it down.

Time is a thief I would rob."
~Lady Antebellum~

Crickets in my heart

It's 1:30am, I should be sleeping. Not sure what woke me this early morning, but I can't fall back to sleep, so I'm writing. The moon is shining down through our open window casting a soft glow on my husband.  My man who works so hard on our behalf. His callosed hands from Summertime block lifting being restored as he sleeps, to do it all again tomorrow.  Because of love. 

Paisley's crying so I went and offered her a drink of water. "You want a drink?"I ask, she shakes her mopped head of hair.  "You want me to hold you a little?" "Se", (yes).  She quickly fell asleep again and I sat in her softly lit room, her head against my heart, just listening to the crickets outside.  It feels like there are crickets in my heart this morning.  Just a constant, steady pulse of thoughts and feelings.  Not a bad thing, just thoughts that seem to be sinking lower then usual.  It's almost the end of Summer so they say and I'm pretty sure that's where the thoughts began.  The Summer of 2011, when my precious kiddos were 6, 4 and 2, it's almost over.  It's so bittersweet to me.  What did we do this Summer?  Where did it go?  

The cool Autumn air is moving in, the clouds looked like Fall today.  I feel it right now, my barefeet cold against the kitchen floor. Time for fuzzy slippers again.
Tyler starts school on August 29th.  Not this next Monday, but the following.  That's a cricket in my heart if there ever was one.  I'll share more in another post about our decision to not homeschool him again this year.  For now, it's just something that is heavy on my heart.  This new and exciting season for him and this new and letting go season for me.  I laid sleeping Paisley in her crib again closing the door behind me. 

Sitting at the foot of Tyler's creaky bed I just stared at him.  His tall body taking over that twin bed right before my very eyes.  His head full of sunshine bleached blond hair resting on his favorite sesame street pillowcase.  His Thomas pillow lying on the floor with his 123 book on top.  He's been reading a lot lately, (making stuff up along the way).  His "collection" of.....well, his collection.  And I can't believe how worked up I get over their little mess of a room, (it's not even that bad).  I probably need help to stop being so concerned about messes.  What's the big deal anyway?  It just feels like so much innocence before me, because it is.  And it's overwhelming sometimes.  That we're in charge of that, GIVEN charge over that.  Over his life, their life. 

Luke is sleeping peacefully covered in his "refreshing blanket", (a very, very lightweight quilt that seems perpetually cool to the touch).  His guitar pillowcase safely tucked under his inquisitive mind.  His dearly loved puppy under his arm, choked with love.  Can't believe that things head hasn't fallen off yet, he's had it since birth.  I've never seen a child move so much in his sleep, (that's why we hardly ever have him in our bed, our squirm-worm).  I think of the precious card he made for his Paige. He composed it himself and ask me how to spell each word, meticulously writing each letter to perfection to the best of his ability. "Paige, I will miss you at college. Luke."  He added some hearts in there and his favorite number, 100. I could have cried, probably did.

Here's a picture Paige took upon receiving it in the mail. xoxo

Thursday we go to Dutch Wonderland, our yearly tradition.  Monday we leave for one week, our last vacation before school starts.  We'll sop up the rest of Summer in OCNJ, (Ocean City, New Jersey).  My cricket heart can't wait.  There's just something grounding about being near the ocean. 

Sweet picture created by Miss Kaelin, our babysitter and friend. xoxo.

convicted.

For the past few days I've been seeing this article floating around facebook, shared by various friends here and there. It's almost 9:30 on a Thursday night and I just finished reading it.  I am convicted.  I am guilty as charged.  I am in need of a Savior, again and again.

 "Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get. In fact, children rate below your desire to sit around and pick your toes, if that is what you want to do. Below everything. Children are the last thing you should ever spend your time doing."

"Lay down your petty annoyances. Lay down your desire to be recognized. Lay down your fussiness at your children. Lay down your perfectly clean house. Lay down your grievances about the life you are living. Lay down the imaginary life you could have had by yourself. Let it go."

 "Live the gospel in the things that no one sees. Sacrifice for your children in places that only they will know about. Put their value ahead of yours. Grow them up in the clean air of gospel living. Your testimony to the gospel in the little details of your life is more valuable to them than you can imagine. If you tell them the gospel, but live to yourself, they will never believe it. Give your life for theirs every day, joyfully. Lay down pettiness. Lay down fussiness. Lay down resentment about the dishes, about the laundry, about how no one knows how hard you work."
~quotes taken from the article by Rachel Jankovic~ 

Here's the entire article if you're interested.

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)

"I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

Oh, bless me now, my Savior,

I come to Thee."
~Annie Hawks~

another miscarriage

It was a joyful Father's Day weekend as we learned the previous week that we were expecting another baby!  Of course, after having a miscarriage back in March, I was so delighted to see that simple, miraculous word "pregnant."  I was 5 weeks pregnant until this past Tuesday.  I woke up to some light cramping and then the bleeding started.  I knew right away what was happening, but was comforted by others words, (my sweet midwife and my friends) that this can often happen early in pregnancy and not to be too worried about it, but my heart was heavy.  I can remember feeling a heavy heart before, always in relation to a death, as in literally it felt like a weight was resting ontop of my heart, still does. 

That night I barely slept, moving between the recliner, my bed and the couch.  I just was so restless because I knew I was bleeding our baby out. It's a terrible, terrible feeling to have.  And sorry for the mental word picture, but it's the truth of what is happening.  My body was preparing a place for this baby to grow and bloom and become it's own little person and now, like a thick winter coat, it's shedding everything that was once it's haven. 

There was a beautiful storm that moved through, the rain falling outside was soothing mixed with distant thunder and almost constant lightening.  Around 2am the electricity went out, (so thus all the AC units).  The kids woke up one by one and cried out in the pitch black.  Jake made a "nest" for them on the floor and they fell asleep in peace. 

Earlier in the night, before they came into our room I clearly heard a tiny sweet voice say "Mommy."  I popped open my eyes and reached my arms out to the side of our bed, I thought perhaps Paisley had somehow gotten out of her crib and made her way to our bedroom, but no one was there. Immediately I heard the Lord say to my spirit, "I'm holding her.  Let your kids bring healing to you."  It was a very real moment in my life and one I will never forget. I don't know how that's going to happen, my earthly kids bringing healing to me and all, but it was such a strong and clear word. 

My family and friends are amazing.  Yesterday morning my friend Jena had the children, took them to the park and out for lunch, then home for naps.  That afternoon I was almost certain their eyes were sinking into the back of their skulls because of watching too much tv!  Jake couldn't get home fast enough and our friends Scott and Angie brought us dinner, (I have the best friends in this world)!  I'm so tired, physically and emotionally. I just want to sleep and not think about it, not have to process all this again.  Yesterday my mantra was, "this just sucks" because it does. 

Today I am writing because that brings healing to me, reaching out, not in, is what frees me.  It's different for everyone, and not right or wrong either way.  My husband retreats and heals.  Not I.  While chatting with a friend of mine she said some things that were so right on, "things which are out of our control are always difficult to accept. Trials are funny...they slam realities into our face that are actually with us all the time, but we don't focus on until we have to. We are not promised anything, although we live as though we are."This morning I sat under some praise music, (which simply means I put on some worship music and laid down on the recliner with my eyes closed). Some words that stuck out to me most were these: 

"my heart aches for You my God, my soul waits for You my God, I've come far to find you here, in this place will I draw near. For I know You are faithful, my God.  For I KNOW You are faithful my God.  From the land of the barren, we will cry out for rain, fill our hearts God, I'll keep trusting You. {And Your Spirit inside me holds me close}, in Your Wonderful Presence I let go.  For I know You are faithful my God.....I declare YOU ARE FAITHFUL."~Kim Walker~

This miscarriage has proved to be very different then the last one.  Not nearly as intense physically, but moreso emotionally.  So many questions and feelings of guilt and doubt about the future; Did we try too soon?  Should we have waited longer?  Why did I get pregnant again just to lose another baby?  What's wrong with me?  Will I be able to carry another baby full term? What will people say about me having 2 miscarriages so close together? 
Mostly stupid questions, but questions nonetheless.

  I WANT to share with you.  I know there are some of you reading, who think it's too soon and I shouldn't be sharing such intimate details of my life on this great world wide web.  But it's life and it's happening to me in living color.  I'm not ashamed to share it with you, my struggles TODAY, my heartaches and questions.  And really, that's why I blog anyway, to share my life.  The parts of life that are beautiful and good as well as the valleys and sorrows.  I feel raw right now, feeling so irritable and tired, yet restless.  I'm sure it's partly hormonal too.  Again, I am SO AMAZED at how quickly a woman's body regulates to "making a house a home" internally for her unborn baby. 

Last time I really pushed into the Lord's presence, for comfort, for healing, for refuge and He met me right where I was, ever faithful.  This time I'm feeling a bit more broken.  I don't have the strength to reach out it seems and THAT'S OK.  It's not about me being able to press in, or touch His garment or even cry out.  It's just about me being His and that's enough for now.... 

"{We are perplexed},
but NOT in despair."
II Corinthians 4:8

flowers in the rain

 the care and kindness I have received over the past 2 weeks has truly been LIKE HEALING BALM to me.  thank you.  I think I understand in a new way why my God asks us to be kind to one another.  CARING FOR SOMEONE CAN LITERALLY BRING HEALING TO THEM.  in a very real way.  It isn't hard to show someone you care and it doesn't take much time these days either:
  *A quick "how are you today?" text.*

 

*A little facebook note on their wall.*

*A quick email.*

*A voicemail* 

There are ways to "check in" without having to meet for dinner or coffee.  

write it, sign it, put a stamp on it!  Oh, the lovely cards that people have sent.  They have warmed my heart.  BROUGHT HEALING TO MY MIND.  There is POWER in truly caring for others.

"And you saw how the Lord your God
cared for you again and again here in the wilderness,

just as a father cares for his child...."

Deuteronomy 1:31

Paisley~March, 2010.

I am feeling really good physically and emotionally.  of course there are moments and hours when I am still so sad at what took place over the last 14 days. We are sad that we will never know this Baby Stoltzfus.  Breaks my Mother heart.  I love my babies so much, (even though they drive me crazy some days)!!  And that is what tears at me the most. Not knowing.

I am not burdened with the "why me" feelings. I mean really, "why NOT me?" Who am I to expect everything to always go the way I want it to? I am not my own afterall!  Who am I to PLAN MY WAYS, the paths I think I should take? 

I'm back to my "old ways", blogging at midnight, so that's one sure sign that I'm getting back to normal!  I have to stop staying up so late!  Yet, as many of you know, there's nothing like these night hours when NO ONE NEEDS YOU and the world is yours, so to speak. You can eat whatever you want without being sneaky or without open-mouthed beggars at your fingertips!  And the QUIET.....oh, it can't be beat!  

It feels so warm and cozy in our living room tonight with the fire crackling, the slushing sound of cars driving by on wet roads, the freshly planted purple pansies smiling here beside me.  I planted pansies in the rain tonight.  I didn't care!  SPRING WILL COME TO OUR HOME, it's been decided!  I wore my new anthro hat.      



Paisley~ March, 2011.

Sometimes life is a journey of

planting flowers in the rain, isn't it?!

"The violets in the mountains have broken the rocks."

~Tennessee Williams~



miscarriage

the word alone sounds empty. fractured. sad. i've been given the honor of joining the women that have held a baby in their womb for too short a time.  something i never understood or had true compassion for. throughout the years i would often hear of friends and family that had miscarriages and my heart would feel saddened for them, for about 48 hours, if that. my life took over again and rightfully so, that's why it's called "my" life....i'm not living someone elses, just my own.

and now i am comforted to truly comfort. i never realized how quickly a Mother's heart is born. it only takes a few weeks to fall in love. in my case 7.5 weeks. oh, i had such anticipation in waiting to tell friends and family and you, my blog friends. to share the news of our "Spring Blossom" as I had endearingly named it.  I was going to take pictures of the pregnancy test standing upright in the dirt next to my other spring shoots! "My newest perennial!"  my mind was spinning with creative "announcement" ideas.  "My Edelweiss!"i love me some JOY and what greater JOY-FULL thing!?  We decided to wait until I was 8 weeks to begin telling people. So that's not been easy, sharing the happy news now married to the sad.

You, my "blog friends" feel very real to me. perhaps that's just because i invest a lot of energy into my blog, so when you comment or show up on this site i feel your presence in a way. my mom asked me with disapproval in her voice if i'm going to put it on my blog. it wasn't disapprovaing on purpose, i just don't think in "her day" you would talk about this kind of thing with many others, let alone strangers. well, even today, it's not something you really hear others talking about. that's not so much me though.  it's part of our story now, part of my life and heart and that's why i write. i write to share our world, our days, my thoughts and ponderings.

it was a difficult week to say the least. physically i never knew the trauma that some women's bodies go through after delivering the unformed, unborn baby. i reacted quite similarly, (though much less intense), to when i delivered my 3 full term babies. what a shock it was to me. each miscarriage is as different as each woman's birth story it seems. emotionally, just such a mixture of all kinds of things; questions, feelings, thoughts: "Was it my fault?"  "Am I working too hard?"  "Did I do something to make this happen?"  All very normal questions to have.  All untrue. There are so many "wives tales" out there~~and the fact is that most of the time there is something inherently wrong with the baby and this is Nature's way of taking care of it, (over 500,000 miscarriages each YEAR in America alone).  And just because you had a miscarriage doesn't mean it will happen again. a new level of grace has now been burned into my emotional well. our bodies are not meant to let our babies go too soon, neither are our hearts.

Last Friday i awoke to light bleeding, cramps, back pain throughout the day and by the setting of the sun, no more baby. i knew the moment it passed from me.  and that was a sad realization, that we were no longer one.  our time together was over. 

part of me feels really silly even "mourning" this death at all. i've seen the deep valley that several of my friends have traveled, delivering stillborn babies or watching their full-term babies take their final breath in their arms.  this pales in comparison to say the least!! Losing a baby this soon is a form of God's grace on my life, I mean it. I cannot imagine the heart-wrenching, soul-shaking, physical beating that takes place when you hold your fully formed baby in your arms just long enough to whisper goodbye. it's just not right.


the boys were so excited and all questions when we told them about the new baby on it's way. and so when Jake told them that the baby had died it understandably made them sad. and in typical childlike fashion they spoke some words and on with life they ran. Luke, my 4 year old said, "Why did the baby have to die Mom? I guess we have to wait for God to give us another baby." And that about sums it up doesn't it?

"Will the dust praise You?
Will it proclaim Your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me,
O Lord, be my help.
You turned my wailing into dancing,
removed my sackcloth and clothed me with JOY,
that my heart may sing to Youand not be silent.
O Lord my God,
I will give you thanks forever."
Psalm 30: 9-12

This is the verse that was spoken to my soul. Our baby will never praise on this side of heaven, but WE CAN~~~WE WILL. We are left to proclaim His faithfulness NO MATTER WHAT. And that is all I can give my baby, a legacy of praise. As I said earlier, I have seen this as a gift of God's grace on our life, our home, our family. As odd as that sounds, that's what it is to me.

Death is a part of life. I do not judge God for the way things happen, to me or to others. He is worthy of praise just because He's worthy, not because of what He does or doesn't do for me,
for us,
for earth.

I do not belong here, it's my passing through place. And I'm ok with that. I don't know how long I'll have any of my babies, or how long they'll have me. However I want to know Him Who placed me here today. March, Twenty-Eleven. I want to travel the unknown with Him by my side. Even though the way feels lonely and dark at times, how much worse for my SPIRIT and SOUL to fall into loneliness and darkness too. But for the GRACE OF GOD there go I.

Tyler's hand-picked flowers for me.

And it's not about my own strength either. I'm over that. At least that's my hearts desire. To no longer have anything of ME to trust in. My thoughts, my ways, my ideas, my judgements, my life experiences. For goodness sake, I can't even LOVE Him without His inner strengthening.

"But I, BY YOUR GREAT MERCY, will come into Your house; in reverence will I bow down toward Your holy temple. Lead me, O Lord, in Your righteousness because of my enemies~~MAKE STRAIGHT YOUR WAY BEFORE ME."
Psalm 5:7-8

See, He does it all.

Please don't misunderstand this post. We are so sad and my heart is broken at what could have been. It's definitely been harder on me then Jake.  And that is common as well.  Men don't bond emotionally with the baby until later on.  Their everyday life isn't affected by a growing womb, nauseous mornings, name doodling and nursery plans.  However, if i can offer any encouragement to the four men that read this blog.....DON'T UNDERESTIMATE YOUR ABILITY TO CARE FOR YOUR WIFE EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. 

Jake has been so beautiful to me despite his inability to really KNOW what's happening.  He arranged for me to have an in-home massage, he wrote me cards, kept the home in order, (as much as he knew how, bless him) and prayed for my heart.  He was/is such a comfort to me.  A refuge.  A hiding place. Reminds me of Someone Else i know.  However, I will say that one night he did put Paisley to bed without a diaper on.....a sign that he was in over his head a bit!  Oh, it was a funny moment Sunday morning when he found her just as sweet as ever in a drenched nightie and bedding!  You know, the stinky, soaking morning pee?   She didn't even cry through the night or anything.  Bless her dear soaked heart.  He graciously laundered the bedding and we had a good laugh about it!  

 It's NOT easy to trust the uncontrollable happenings in this life. I'm not trying to make it sound like it is. I'm just not sure what other options I have....or want. If He has my life, then He has ALL MY LIFE. "'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home."

And so I go back to the "yearly theme word" for me. To GAZE upon Him, upon His grace taking on different shapes and forms and colors then I had ever imagined or desired. It's an adventure. It's a pilgrim's progress. In my post from this January about a yearly theme word I wrote, "There is a deep soul work that wants to bury down into me and I want to embrace that wholeheartedly, whatever it may look like. Easy to type out, hard to work out." More true today, then ever.

"Lord, help me this day to draw strength
from all that comes to me."~unknown author~

A special THANK YOU to our family and friends for their VISIBLE support this past week. Flowers,(pictured above), meals, phone calls, cards, coffee drop offs, texts, chocolate covered strawberries, emails, caring for our children, praying for us, giving us space and time, keeping us near your mind.  We literally FELT your love.   I know it takes time to show you care and we have been humbled by your kindness toward our life and home!