haughty eyes and the whole mess

This life in Christ is about

GROWTH and DEATH
happening simultaneously.
Without the one, the other will not exist.

Black and lovely.

{PHOTOS FROM MY PARENT'S OLD HOME}
we're going to miss it so much.

"cry out for INSIGHT and understanding.

Search for them as you would for lost money.

THEN YOU WILL understand what it means

to the fear the Lord,

and you will gain knowledge of God.

THEN YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

what is right,

just and fair,

and you WILL KNOW

how to find the RIGHT COURSE OF ACTION EVERY TIME.

For wisdom will enter your heart

and knowledge will fill you with JOY."

Proverbs 2

Don't know about you, but

soul-searching makes me tired and 

digging wears me out.

Maybe it's partly a personality thing, (my fellow sanguines get me on this)!  There are friends and family that I have who almost effortlessly unearth the "deep", in themselves and in others.  And get this, THEY ENJOY IT!, it actually gives them LIFE.  I admire this in others, however when I apply it to myself, I get exhuasted, overwhelmed and sad. 
{Three things we sanguines try to avoid like the plague}! 

Exhausted because this has nothing to with other people, it's an introverted process, a going inward, a silencing.

Overwhelmed because it's so out of my control.  All this chaos of the heart, there's no order or direction or "place" labeled for the things I come upon.

And sad.  Sad because I see all the brokenness in me and how black my heart truly is.  It IS deceitful above all else, deceiving most of all, myself.  And just when I thought things were looking so good, (refer to the previous sentence of decieving myself)! 

BUT THIS IS RIGHT WHERE I NEED TO BE,
WHERE'S HE'S CALLED ME TO BE.
A place of forced searching out. 

There's a lamp at my feet and little bit of light at my path, (psalm 119:105), and that's about it, and it's really all I need right now.   There are a lot of verses about lamps in the Bible, never realized that before, here are a few:

"For You, O Lord, are my Lamp;

the Lord brightens my darkness."

II Samuel 22:29

"For You cause my lamp to be lighted and to shine; the Lord my God illumines my darkness."
Psalm 18:28

"The spirit of man, is the lamp of the Lord,
searching all his innermost parts."
Proverbs 20:27

(verses from Amplified version).

When I've read verses like this before I would often think "my darkness" refers to the trials or hardships one is going through and maybe that's what it does mean.  But today it took on another LITERAL meaning....THE DARKNESS IN ME, "my darkness."  The things inside me that MUST BE ILLUMINATED, brought INTO HIS LIGHT, surrendered, often again and again.

It was interesting to me that the first two verses from
II Samuel and from Psalm had something to say about a haughty spirit.  If you read it, you'll see that the previous verse in BOTH passages talks about the Lord "bringing down" the haughty and those with haughty looks and THEN it talks about the Lord being a lamp.  I thought about the fact that pride in ourselves and our own ways of "rightness" BLIND US to the TRUTH of ourselves and our sin, our darkness.  In those dark places we cannot even sense HIS LIGHT, let alone see His lamp gently shining on our issues when we are "captured" by our own brightness/pride of self/how "far" we've come/how much "truth" we know/all the conferences we've attended/the experiences we've had/the Bible studies we've completed. 

And, sad, but true, it is from that place that we have "haughty eyes", (HIGH EYES), not only comparing ourselves and looking "down" at others, but thinking others are "less" then we are.

Comparing our journeys.

When I cast my eye upon others,

scoping out their splintered ways while I'm stumbling over my own logs. 

We can't even SEE our own sin on the stage of our life, it's all backstage rushing through a costume change,

but boy, we've got great seats to the sins of others, 

front-row-center!  

"Haughty eyes push us toward seeing everybody else's sins. Good eyesight means seeing our true condition."
~Todd Freeman~

This past week I heard a teaching by Beth Moore, (from her study "James~Mercy Triumphs").  She was speaking of her journey toward wholeness and what that has looked like, still looks like. 

This is a loose quote,
but still gets the point across of what she was saying:

"wholeness = taking all my pieces and laying them at His feet,

 saying 'here, You can have the whole mess.'"

And perhaps ONLY after we give Him our whole mess,
does He leads us into WHOLENESS. 

His faithfulness pulls us in.

All of us, every.part.

He says He will redeem us, every.part.

This is the good news, such good news that, as our Pastor once said, "it takes a lifetime to absorb." 

The opposites collide to create such beauty within us. the joy for mourning and beauty for ashes kind of stuff. praises for burdens. rebuilding the ancient ruins of the human heart.  sense of our wanderings. 

I'll take a seat to that production....

front-row-center, please.



"You don't measure me like man may see,
You're looking at my heart,
the core of me."  
~Misty Edwards~ 

between shoulders

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, 

for He shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves 

rests between his shoulders."

Deuteronomy 33:12

I've often wondering what "resting between shoulders" looked like.
And then it came to me the other week as Capri was taking a nap on me....there she was on my chest, 
between my shoulders. 
And it sank deep into me
 along with her heavy body and steady breathing.
I have a resting place too, 
a place I long for, but often pay no attention to.
There's too much noise for my eyes, 
all around me, distracting me.
nice, good things, but distractions nonetheless. 

At the kitchen sink, (my second home) 
I thought of how mundane Motherhood can be.
laundry~cleaning~cooking~picking up toys~swapping out clothing~taxi driving~teaching~training~repeat. 
And I'm ok with that, it's where I am right now, 
where many of us are right now.
However, I'm not ok with just existing here, 
I long to enjoy now and not wish it away
or frown upon it.
I long to find true fulfillment in the daily duties.
I don't want to live, 
frustrated.

God, show me the way of rest.
What it looks like right where I'm at, 
in the middle of the madness.
Is it possible?  Is there rest to be found in the dailiness of life?
Is there rest in broken relationships waiting for restoration?
Is there rest in betrayal and shattered trust?
Is there rest in the weariness? In the overwhelming place?
In the fear?

Here is a beautiful article that spoke right to me, 
refreshed me from my eyes to my heart.
"3 ways to really enter into His rest right now." 
by Ann Voscamp

"We have to take time to connect with Him, 
share our heart with Him, 
and let Him clear our mind 
and soothe our spirit."
~an excerpt from another fabulous article~

waiting

right now i'm waiting for the laundry to be finished so i can put it into the dryer. 
i'm waiting for jake to come home.
waiting for a phone call to be returned.
waiting.

it seems that we are always waiting for something.  some we know are waiting for their loved ones to wake up.  waiting for signs of life.  waiting for hope to fill them again.  waiting for eyes to open and life to be revived.  waiting for their womb to be filled.  waiting for their womb to be emptied.  waiting for a lover to call their own. waiting for their lover to call. waiting for viruses to run their course. waiting for cells to be killed so life can be lived.   waiting for school to start. waiting for school to end. waiting for the party to start. waiting for the party to end. waiting for the next deposit so groceries can be bought. waiting for dinner to be done. waiting to leave. waiting to return. waiting to go to bed. waiting for the sunrise. waiting for the first step. waiting for death. 

see?  waiting is our life.
and perhaps we could, as our pastor once said, "learn to wait well."  that's what i want in my heart. in the deep, deep places of who i am, i want to not be afraid of waiting. 
i want to wait patiently.
wait peacefully.
even wait joyfully. 

because afterall, 
if waiting is our life than how we wait is who we are.  

i like what john eldredge and his wife stasi have to say about it:

“Living in true beauty can require much waiting, much time, much tenacity of spirit. We must constantly direct our gazes toward the face of God, even in the presence of longing and sorrow. It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged. The waiting does not diminish us… God does not always rescue us out of painful season. You know that he does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. Much more substantive than our health. He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory. And sometimes… it hurts.”

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

a timely word

still patiently waiting. 

ok, so maybe not so patiently. 

we tried all the old "wives tales" on monday and tuesday to get this labor started, and thankfully they didn't work!!

the boys both came down with a nasty stomach bug around midnight on tuesday night.  oh, it was na-has-ty!!!

loads of laundry later, (including one set of curtains), one day of nothingness, and just generally taking it easy and we're back in action.  actually, yesterday was a blessing in disguise, the kids slept most of the day or watched movies and barely ate a thing. so i too sat around and relaxed.  it went through here fast and furious and for that i am grateful. 

Here's my new sign that my sweet friend Aimee made for me!  Isn't it beautiful? She is so talented. 

As most of you know I'm a "wordy" girl and LOVE my quotes, however when it came to choosing this piece, I knew short and sweet was what I wanted.  

Something simple and true. 

It's in our living room. 

Today my bones are sore. 

My mind is weary from trying to work up grace and peace that isn't needed right now.  Ironically, I'm striving for peace.  My Mother heart is longing to see the veil lifted between this sweet baby and our world.  a veil of skin.  So little separates us now.  And yet, as my midwife so wisely says, "it's like a orchestra, everything has to fall into place for labor to happen."

I've been exceptionally irritable the last 24 hours.

heat flashes like mad.

sore.

emotional.

increased heart rate.

these things concerned me at first, but today at my appointment the nurse said, "you're just a body that's ready to have a baby."

ya think??

I read this tonight. 

It was a timely word. 

So we're off for one more quick grocery run. 

then an evening dip in my sister's pool.

then a blessed night sleep, (or so we pray).

My deepest desire right now is to be SURROUNDED BY PEACE, 

and that is NOT something that can be conjured up, it is a gift. Something that is surrendered to, hoped for, basked in.  

"You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You and hopes confidently in You.  So trust in the Lord, commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock, the Rock of ages."

Isaiah 26:3-4

anticipation and fear.

I heard about a lady in our town who just had a stillborn baby.  
She was 39 weeks pregnant. 
I really don't have words and all the things I'd like to say sound empty and stupid.

And as my mind wanders to her and my feeble prayers go up on their behalf, my heart is shaky.  The unthinkable happens, is happening, has happened to dear friends and strangers alike.  How does one continue to trust in the midst of the "what could be's?"  That's where my thoughts are now, it's here my heart is leaning....how do I trust the unknown in the light of the Known?  

Aside from the anticipation of meeting our sweet baby, (which by the way is so great I think I may burst at times), it's the unknown of each day that can and will drag you under if you let it. 

....because You are my help, 
I sing in the shadow of Your wings.
psalm 63:7

Will my husband come home today, safe and sound?  
Will my babies live to see their next birthday?  

Will our house catch on fire? 

Will.......(you fill in the blank for your own).

  There are several close friends and relatives of ours that are SMACK DAB in the middle of the unknown, (we all are to one degree or another I guess), but the unknowns that they are dealing with are literally moment to moment life altering decisions, (that are not theirs to make). 

How do you keep your sanity? 

How do you keep your thoughts "captive" among the parade of questions that march in your mind and beat their drums relentlessly inside your heart, thump, thump, thumping?

Is it possible to be at peace with your unknowns? 

I want that.

On a piece of paper by my beside I have written:

"STAY CLOSE TO ME ON THE PATH OF PEACE."  I had read it a few weeks ago and it resonated with me.  There are very few decisions I can make in this life that give me control, true control, not manipulative mirages of what I'd like to be or who I would like to see change.   

Thoughts and fears, anticipations and ideas all make their way to me, like fiery arrows and sometimes like baby breath whispers.  

They land and try to bury themselves into myself.  

It is then that I MUST MAKE A CHOICE to TRUST the One that I believe HOLDS MY LIFE, holds my babies lives.  And it's not easy, but it is better than flailing about all alone.  At the heart of each of us is a need to be WITH SOMEONE, to not be isolated or alone or abandoned.

  

My refuge comes on the wings of God.  

I trust that He will cover me. 

Or carry me. 

Or shelter me.

Or teach me to fly. 

Or fight for me.

Or hide me.



...hide me in the shadow of Your wings.
psalm 17:8

I read recently about feathers and the miracle that lies within their structure.  A few key points that stuck out to me:

 "To date, no amount of engineering has created a synthetic insulation as efficient as feathers."


"In all the dives I've watched, I've never seen a feather break in flight.  Wrestling on the ground with prey, sure, but never on the wing."

My soul longs for the place of Insulation.

The Space above the prey. 

...He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings SHALL YOU TRUST and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.

psalm 91:4

some commentary's I read that shed light on these verses and my soul:

Clarke's Commentary on the Bible "He shall cover thee with his feathers - He shall act towards thee as the hen does to her brood, - take thee under his wings when birds of prey appear, and also shelter thee from chilling blasts. This is a frequent metaphor. He will overshadow thee between his shoulders; alluding to the custom of parents carrying their weak or sick children on their backs, and having them covered even there with a mantle. His truth shall be thy shield and buckler - His revelation; his Bible. That truth contains promises for all times and circumstances; and these will be invariably fulfilled to him that trusts in the Lord."  Gill's Exposition of the Entire Bible "He shall cover thee with his feathers,.... As birds do their young, who cannot cover themselves: this they do from a tender regard to them, whereby they both keep them warm, and protect them from those that would hurt them: this represents the helpless state of the children of God, who are, like to young birds, weak and unable to defend themselves: the tender regard of God unto them,  as the eagle and other birds have to their young; and the warmth and comforts souls have, as well as protection, under his powerful and gracious presence; he comforts them under their tribulations, as well as defends them from their enemies: the word of God also, every promise in it, and doctrine of it, is as a shield and buckler to strengthen, support, and secure the faith of his people, (Proverbs 30:5)."

...LET ME FIND
refuge and TRUST 
in the shelter of Your wings.
psalm 61:4


the darling pictures were taken last week by my talented friend Michelle Walls. She is hoping to print a new line of baby stationery, among other photo prints as well.  here is her beautiful etsy shop. i can't believe the way she captured lovie's room and that black and white silhouette of the two of us.  precious treasured memories. 

twenty-twelve

CHRISTMAS EVE, 2011.

hello friends. it's been a refreshing few weeks and hope it's been the same for you and your home.  this time of year often conjures up a lot of emotion.  whether it's thankfulness for your family, or sadness for the lack of it, gathering around a table with those you love or drinking their memories away.  i was so shocked at the full capacity, (at least in looking at the parking lots) of many bars in the area on Christmas eve.  we passed a few on our way to different gatherings and i was reminded again at how many people are lonely, not just during the holiday season, but especially then. and not that going to a bar makes you lonely, but i'm thinking that if given a choice, spending Christmas eve at the local bar wouldn't be on the top of your priority list.  i don't know. i know nothing of true suffering, internally or externally.  and sometimes that really bothers me.  how "easy" my life seems.  how lovely my family is, the Peace in my heart and the beauty of my husband's great love.  i hesitate to call them blessings because it somehow seems that those without these things aren't "blessed" and that's not true at all.  perhaps they are gifts.  but even that sounds unfair.  regardless of the perfect "name" given to these beauties in my world, i am so grateful.  i am stirred again to embrace, be present, recognize and love what is before me. 



CHRISTMAS EVE, 2011.



deep way to start off. sorry about that!  it's quiet in our home this saturday afternoon, paisley is sleeping and the boys are at their favorite home, (other then our own).....it's about thirty steps from here and full of nothin' but peace and love and good food. jake is out cutting wood for our fireplace.  somehow he managed to find and load about 40 tree trunks onto his trailer!  often i just sit back and watch in amazement at the stuff he gets done.  he's not human.  before i sat to write this post i was watching him out the kitchen window.  he has this cute little thing he does with his lips when he's working, pursing them together and squinting his brow in concentration.  i've never met a person who works like he does.  and loves it at that.  not going to pretend that i always appreciate or value that hard work.  sometimes i just want him to sit down and put his feet up. but alas, he is a visionary, seeing what is not there and longing to make it happen!  one of my first memories of him was watching him carry shingles up a ladder, balancing them on his back with one hand and climbing the ladder with the other.  i was amazed then and it hasn't stopped since. 

FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HER NEW HOME.

we received a christmas letter from my cousin.  at the end of her letter she had this quote and i thought it was lovely: 

 "only those who number their days aright gain wise hearts.  only they become God's sages: those calm, unhurried people who live in each moment fully, savoring simple things....unafraid of lifes' inevitable surprises and reverses, adaptive to change, yet not chasing after it...." 

~Mark Buchanan from "The Rest of God"~ 

HEY, LET'S START THIS YEAR OFF RIGHT, GRAMMIE'S STRAWBERRY PIE!

 what a way to begin the new year, a desire put into words. to live a life of calm, (which sometimes seems nearly impossible when the kids are fighting and "at" each other or when relationships, situations in your world are stormy).  to be adaptive to change, (not necessarily to the change taking place around me, but moreso IN me). to savor, (to not be annoyed at the little things that need attention in life, not speaking of my children, but of the things they "create", the leftovers of imagination, the dishes after woofing a meal, the clothing after living a day).

"CHITTY-CHITTY, BANG-BANG" in the living room.  

yesterday i came upon this blog post and it resonated so deeply and made me laugh too because it's the truth.  you know it's happened to you, (if you're a mother of small children).  the dear old lady at the store puts her hand over her heart and sweetly tells you to enjoy these days as a young mother because they go so fast, (and then you kinda want to run over her feet with the cart).  well, this awesome blog post speaks right into that.....and it's a doozy.

WE BRING IN THE NEW YEAR EACH YEAR with our friends Wendell and MaryJo.
HERE THE KIDS ARE WITH THEIR OJ TOAST AT 12:01am, January 1st, 2012!

I'm 16 weeks pregnant now and my maternity bin the attic is calling my name!  Lovie is about the size of an avocado, starting to grow toenails and it's tiny heart is pumping 25 quarts of blood each day!!  After several attempts at finding the heartbeat early on, we finally heard it last week.  Thanks to our sweet midwife who stopped by unannounced several times just to put my heart at ease.  She was with us at each of our children's birth, such a special tradition.  As I lay on the couch hearing Lovie's heartbeat it brought tears of thankfulness to my heart, my troubled mind and my struggling soul.  Ever since finding out we were expecting again, I just felt prepared for another miscarriage.  I was very fearful the first few months and it really messed with my head and heart.  Forced a deeper place of trust.  After hearing the heartbeat I feel more relieved.  Although I certainly realize that this child is not truly ours at any point through its journey, from womb to grave. 

TIME FOR TEA. I LOVE HAVING A LITTLE GIRL IN THE HOUSE.
SUCH SWEETNESS, (with a little spice in there too)!

This may be the longest post ever, so thanks for sticking with me.  Just wanted to let you all know how much I've enjoyed our year together here in blogland!  Thank you specifically for your kindness in the early months of 2011 when we were walking through the valley of death.  Albeit, nothing like losing a child you have held in your arms or one you have raised by your side, yet nonetheless, a loss.  Your sweetness and compassion lifted my spirit and I thank you for it.  I am not certain what this year will look like as far as blogging.  Having clarity as to where my limited "free time" is spent is becoming increasingly important to me.  Isn't it amazing/scary how quickly the HOURS fly when you're online?  It's starting to be disconcerting to me.  So, for this month this post will be about it.  I'll be back the end of January and we'll chat then. 

THE CARRIAGE HOUSE AT NIGHT.  FEELS SO GOOD HAVING GRAMMIE NEAR.

An inward focus is what I'm feeling drawn to right now.  And as much as I enjoy my online time, it's becoming a little cage-like. In that I feel trapped by my own desires, my own online habits. There's a repositioning that needs to take place.  And I'm thinking it won't be happening "naturally", but more intentionally so.  Sometimes, thankfully, our eyes are opened to the unhealthy habits that have become second-nature.  Geesh, maybe I should save all this for another post.....(bless your heart if you're STILL reading)!

A LITTLE MESSAGE FROM THE BOYS.

 See you in a few weeks.....

"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary

so that the necessary may speak."

~Hans Hofmann~

being present

 

What a busy week.   Sometimes it seems like all the commitments we've made all meet up in the same slot of time, vying for our attention and mental energy.  

That was last week.  

I found myself just getting through one day at a time.  Not in a bad way, just a very thought-out way, from one task to the next, to the next.  
I don't like living like that.  
Feels too bound up, 
too aligned, 
too prepared.  

We don't have much planned for the Christmas weekend.  And we like it just like that. Making the time to do nothing. Just be.  Earlier this week I read a beautiful quote by my friend on facebook, (thanks Sarah G.).  It really resonated with me. 

"The great gift of uncharted, unscheduled, un"productive" time: an evening wide open enough to allow wrestling/cuddling and reading with our children, long deep talks out on our front porch..."

Doesn't that just FEEL nice.  Just reading it?  A lot of our nights do have bits and pieces of that description in them, but it feels like there is always "something" brewing beyond what our hands our actually touching:  Plans for tomorrow, cleaning up, packing lunch, laundry, baths, bed, brush teeth, prayers, stories, hugs, kisses, fall on the couch!

 

It's not easy living in the present, but it can be so beautiful. A dear woman in our community died just recently. I thought of her the evening she died.  Watching the sun sink down beneath the hill. Did she know that morning, that it was her final sunrise?  That she would never see the sun set that day?  But instead, she would be ushered to see the Glorious Face of the Son?

There's a desire in me, in many of you, to live life to the fullest right where we're at.  I'll be the first to say that I'm not sure how that's done.  When the "demands" of my day seem to outweigh my heart.  Maybe it begins my acknowledging that "getting through" the day(s) isn't how we were created.  Of course, there are seasons of trudging on, of deep valleys of death and grief, when the next breath is all we think about, of the mundane and the necessary.  And they are just that,  SEASONS,  

not meant to be permanent dwelling places. 

So, wherever this moment finds you, I sincerely hope you can find a way to be truly present.  

You're definitely not alone in that pursuit. 

“Our spiritual life is a life in which we wait, 

actively present to the moment..."
~Henri Nouwen~

SPEAKING OF "PRESENT".... 
COME BACK LATER THIS WEEK FOR OUR CHRISTMAS GIFT-AWAY!
IT'S GOING TO BE LOVELY! 

waiting here for You

Came upon this song via another blog this morning and just had to pass it along.
REPEAT AND ENJOY! (you'll have to mute the music first at the bottom of this page).

He is EVERYTHING HE PROMISED!!!! 

Plan B

  This is what we did on Sunday.  And it was beautiful.  We were so honored to be a part of the morning and M's dedication.

It felt like the morning was tailor-made for me, for us. I shouldn't be surprised because I don't really believe in coincidences.  When I saw that the message was entitled "Plan B" I knew it would be restoring.

Here are some of the notes I took:

The problem with "plan B" is
there's no time to plan.

  Could it be that "plan B" was "plan A" all along?  Because of what is has helped us to become? 

We focus on the DESTINY;
while He focuses on the PROCESS.

It's as much ABOUT THE PERSON WE'RE BECOMING as the stuff we're experiencing. And if we could only get ahold of that TRUTH we can live a wonderful life.  We can ADJUST and ADAPT when our "plan A" fails us or our expectations.

I feel like I'm in "plan B" right now, I felt like that back in March too.  But it's not quite as scary as it was the first time.  I feel more abandoned to THE REALITY that I'm not even in charge of my life anyway.  And you know what, there's SO MUCH FREEDOM IN THIS, in this not caring about my life and what happens to it.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life and those in it, but they aren't mine,
MY
LIFE
ISN'T
MY
OWN.
And I'm more okay with that then ever before.  

"The Lord will w-o-r-k  o-u-t His plans for my life~~~for Your FAITHFUL LOVE, O Lord, endures forever.
Don't abandon me, for you made me."
Psalm 138:8 (New Living Translation)