another miscarriage

It was a joyful Father's Day weekend as we learned the previous week that we were expecting another baby!  Of course, after having a miscarriage back in March, I was so delighted to see that simple, miraculous word "pregnant."  I was 5 weeks pregnant until this past Tuesday.  I woke up to some light cramping and then the bleeding started.  I knew right away what was happening, but was comforted by others words, (my sweet midwife and my friends) that this can often happen early in pregnancy and not to be too worried about it, but my heart was heavy.  I can remember feeling a heavy heart before, always in relation to a death, as in literally it felt like a weight was resting ontop of my heart, still does. 

That night I barely slept, moving between the recliner, my bed and the couch.  I just was so restless because I knew I was bleeding our baby out. It's a terrible, terrible feeling to have.  And sorry for the mental word picture, but it's the truth of what is happening.  My body was preparing a place for this baby to grow and bloom and become it's own little person and now, like a thick winter coat, it's shedding everything that was once it's haven. 

There was a beautiful storm that moved through, the rain falling outside was soothing mixed with distant thunder and almost constant lightening.  Around 2am the electricity went out, (so thus all the AC units).  The kids woke up one by one and cried out in the pitch black.  Jake made a "nest" for them on the floor and they fell asleep in peace. 

Earlier in the night, before they came into our room I clearly heard a tiny sweet voice say "Mommy."  I popped open my eyes and reached my arms out to the side of our bed, I thought perhaps Paisley had somehow gotten out of her crib and made her way to our bedroom, but no one was there. Immediately I heard the Lord say to my spirit, "I'm holding her.  Let your kids bring healing to you."  It was a very real moment in my life and one I will never forget. I don't know how that's going to happen, my earthly kids bringing healing to me and all, but it was such a strong and clear word. 

My family and friends are amazing.  Yesterday morning my friend Jena had the children, took them to the park and out for lunch, then home for naps.  That afternoon I was almost certain their eyes were sinking into the back of their skulls because of watching too much tv!  Jake couldn't get home fast enough and our friends Scott and Angie brought us dinner, (I have the best friends in this world)!  I'm so tired, physically and emotionally. I just want to sleep and not think about it, not have to process all this again.  Yesterday my mantra was, "this just sucks" because it does. 

Today I am writing because that brings healing to me, reaching out, not in, is what frees me.  It's different for everyone, and not right or wrong either way.  My husband retreats and heals.  Not I.  While chatting with a friend of mine she said some things that were so right on, "things which are out of our control are always difficult to accept. Trials are funny...they slam realities into our face that are actually with us all the time, but we don't focus on until we have to. We are not promised anything, although we live as though we are."This morning I sat under some praise music, (which simply means I put on some worship music and laid down on the recliner with my eyes closed). Some words that stuck out to me most were these: 

"my heart aches for You my God, my soul waits for You my God, I've come far to find you here, in this place will I draw near. For I know You are faithful, my God.  For I KNOW You are faithful my God.  From the land of the barren, we will cry out for rain, fill our hearts God, I'll keep trusting You. {And Your Spirit inside me holds me close}, in Your Wonderful Presence I let go.  For I know You are faithful my God.....I declare YOU ARE FAITHFUL."~Kim Walker~

This miscarriage has proved to be very different then the last one.  Not nearly as intense physically, but moreso emotionally.  So many questions and feelings of guilt and doubt about the future; Did we try too soon?  Should we have waited longer?  Why did I get pregnant again just to lose another baby?  What's wrong with me?  Will I be able to carry another baby full term? What will people say about me having 2 miscarriages so close together? 
Mostly stupid questions, but questions nonetheless.

  I WANT to share with you.  I know there are some of you reading, who think it's too soon and I shouldn't be sharing such intimate details of my life on this great world wide web.  But it's life and it's happening to me in living color.  I'm not ashamed to share it with you, my struggles TODAY, my heartaches and questions.  And really, that's why I blog anyway, to share my life.  The parts of life that are beautiful and good as well as the valleys and sorrows.  I feel raw right now, feeling so irritable and tired, yet restless.  I'm sure it's partly hormonal too.  Again, I am SO AMAZED at how quickly a woman's body regulates to "making a house a home" internally for her unborn baby. 

Last time I really pushed into the Lord's presence, for comfort, for healing, for refuge and He met me right where I was, ever faithful.  This time I'm feeling a bit more broken.  I don't have the strength to reach out it seems and THAT'S OK.  It's not about me being able to press in, or touch His garment or even cry out.  It's just about me being His and that's enough for now.... 

"{We are perplexed},
but NOT in despair."
II Corinthians 4:8