Anniversary & a case of the bad attitudes.

Last week was a bad attitude week for me.  No one would have known it from the outside looking in.  But it was there and it was threatening to rear it's ugly face to those I love most, namely my husband.  Having to make a choice to stay home instead of flying off to some foreign soil, (or even a local bed and breakfast) wasn't easy.  Why can't we just have enough to spend lavishly and do whatever we want?  I was frustrated that we had to make a decision about it, have a conversation about the wise thing to do this year.  My husband is amazing with the money he brings in, the provision and the allotment, the wisdom and foresight.  I'm the one with the crappy attitude. 

It was keeping me awake at night, my dissatisfied mind. I am married to an amazing man, we have a beautiful life together, three healthy children and a precious home, we have food in our fridge and new clothes on our backs, the list goes on and on. And yet, I had the audacity to allow myself to get worked up about not going AWAY for our anniversary. Give me a break. For real. 

 Don't get me wrong, going places for your anniversary is wonderful, it's a given really, or it should be anyway.  Doing something special to set apart that day from all the others.  It's important, deeply important.  Yet, when the expectations for a good time fall only upon going away to some fancy place, or staying at the nicest hotel, or hopping on a plane out of town, then I think there needs to be a heart check and I had to have just that. 


It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, the way you look at your life and your experiences, (or lack of experiences) completely influences who you are and the life you live.  Do I have thoughts of resentment toward those that get to enjoy the "bigger and better" of life or am I willing, (and ABLE) to be satisfied with the little things?  Truly grateful for what I do have?  Shifting my mindset from something I think I deserve, to gratitude for what's in my hands? WE DESERVED something better then staying home all weekend, right?  Our marriage celebration is worth more then sending the kids off for two days and nights.  We're entitled to something grandiose, after all, we've been married nine years, (that last sentence is dripping with sarcasm). 

Here's the real facts of life:  we're not entitled to ANY GOOD THING.  All these extras on top of life, are just that, "extras".  And they are beautiful, they make life taste so sweet, they produce that wonderful "looking forward to something" feeling, they fill us with happiness.  But where is my JOY found?  Is it in the experiences I have with Jake, the places we go and the things we see and do?  Or is it found in him, just him and I and a hot chocolate?  The simplicity of togetherness.  I'm reminded of a quote by D.H. Lawrence that hung by my bedside during our dating years, I type it from memory.  "To be content in bliss, without desire or insistence anywhere. This was heaven, to be together in happy stillness."

My thoughts last week were focused not on our love, but on the way we celebrated our love.  That somehow is was less than because we decided to stay home and save a couple hundred dollars.  Hear me out, we hope there is a day that we can pick any place we choose and go there with ease.  If that's the case for you, that is AWESOME, truly!  Hop on the plane and get the heck out of here and ENJOY!  And if it isn't and you have a tough time with that knowledge, that's the place where I'm writing from tonight.


It's Sunday evening and the children are back  home.  We've missed them, the house was so quiet.  Eerily so at night with three empty beds.  This weekend we had together was perfect for us.  It was cozy and quiet and simple, yet full of wonderful things.  I'll share a bit more of what we did and where we went later on.  For now, I just had to get those thoughts out of my heart. 

It really is not that important WHERE you go, it's truly about WHO you're with.  And like I said earlier, if you get to be with the one you love AND GO amazing places, that is wonderful and such a blessing for you.  Be blessed and content in that!!  I learned some contentment this weekend and I'm so glad I did.  The little things popped out to me, the sweet moments we gathered along the way.
`
The point I'm making, (mostly to myself)  is  about  contentedness and sometimes that is a process to learn and relearn.  We are encouraged in the Bible to "LEARN TO BE CONTENT".  It doesn't come naturally nor is it given freely, it must be learned.  And as with most things we learn, it happens through experience. I came upon a wonderful article this afternoon that really summed it up well.  Below is the opening paragraph.  Hope you enjoy it and I'll see you later this week: 

"Contentment is not a gift to be received but rather a lesson to be learned. Paul makes this clear in Philippians 4:11 where he says, “In whatsoever state I am in I have learned to be content.” Notice, he did not say, “In whatsoever state I am in, God gives me contentment.” Contentment is a spiritual discipline to be learned. It is a product of resolving the struggles between what we want to have and what we know God wants for us."  
~Richard Dobbins~

Summertime Dinner Club

Seriously, this school business is for real.  I.am.tired, (thus the lack of blogging, it's the last on my "list" to say the least). It's the adjustment to routine I guess, it's totally exhausting me. Sounds so stupid when I actually type it out, but it's the truth.  Somehow the days just fly by and before I know it, it's bedtime. Perhaps it's the half day thing, (Tyler's only at school until 11:30 everyday), or is this what I have to prepare myself for?  Is this the way it is, how life flies by?  One school year at a time? 

    This I know, it goes by one season at a time as well.  This past Summer we hosted our monthly dinner Club out in the gazebo.  Come join us and relive it all over again.....
"The Colors of Summer"

"Each day, awakening, are we asked to paint the sky blue?

Need we coax the sun to rise or flowers to bloom? Need we teach birds to sing, or children to laugh, or lovers to kiss? No, though we think the world imperfect, it surrounds us each day with its perfections. We are asked only to appreciate them, and to show appreciation by living in peaceful harmony amidst them. The Creator does not ask that we create a perfect world;

He asks that we celebrate it." 
 
~Robert Brault~

waiting here for You

Came upon this song via another blog this morning and just had to pass it along.
REPEAT AND ENJOY! (you'll have to mute the music first at the bottom of this page).

He is EVERYTHING HE PROMISED!!!! 

A little bit of this and that

Hi There. 

We're still here and all safe and sound. Grateful for so much. Max and Ruby is on in the background, the kids are tucked on the couch, cozy blankets wrapped around them.  I'm considering starting the first fire of the season in our woodstove. There's a definite chill in the air and it feels quite refreshing.  However, I will wear my flip-flops as long as possible into this Autumn weather

Not gonna lie, I'm really not into Fall being here already.  This has been one of the best Summer's in a long time.  We did so much together and all the children were a bit older making outtings and overnight stays that much easier.  Two years ago Paisley was a newborn, last year Jake was working all Summer on the carriage house, this year we just lived and enjoyed life.  It was sweet and treasured!  Sometimes it feels like I'm just flippin' the calender and I don't like that feeling.  Like I'm living life and it's passing me by all in one moment.  The constant of life.    

Made some grape jelly today with grapes from our vine.  That smell takes me right back to my childhood.  Standing under the arbor in our back yard.  Reaching up on my tippy-toes to pull down some of those sweet treasures.  Sucking the skin off and spitting out the rest.  I know that's not really how you're suppose to eat them, but the fear of getting a super sour one kept me from even biting into it.  I still eat them that way!  Not that you really care!  :)

a lovely picture i found online, sorry, i don't remember where.



It's "Fair" season around here.  My belly is growling just thinking about all the yummy junk I will partake of!  It's going to be cold tonight so maybe I'll pack some hot chocolate to go along with us.  That might be a nice surprise when we get back to the truck to head home. Worn out kids and warmed up bellies go well together.

We're adjusting to Tyler's new Kindergarten schedule.  I'm coming to enjoy it and not feel so bound to it.  It's only half day which means my day is really broken up, so it feels.  The mornings are going well and our routine is working.  Get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, sneakers on, watch some TV until it's time to go.  TV is the "reward" to getting everything else completed in good time.  Needless to say, Tyler is loving school.  He bounds in there each morning, calling out his friends names and waving to them from afar, catching up and chatting away, (and that's all I see until he reaches the front door).  He loves people and it's a joy to watch.  Knowing that he is making friends is wonderful and scary at the same time.  Kids can be mean.  Each morning as we approach school I say to him what was said to me my entire childhood, "have a fun, fun day and be kind to everyone."    

Chopped my hair off last week. It was just growing and growing and I called it my mane. Each evening I faithfully braided it before bed like a prairie woman so as not to be caught up in the web that was my hair. It was getting old. I should have done this a long time ago.  It feels so light and free. Locks of love on our 9th Anniversary.  That was special.  And my one sister had her hair appointment BEFORE me and my other sister had her appointment AFTER me.  We didn't even try it!  Loves it!  I missed my hair for the first few days and wondered what I had done.  Now I'm really liking it and making it my own. 

Hope you each have a lovely weekend.  I am sure some of you won't, given the circumstances you are surrounded with.  And yet, even in the midst of that, I hope you can see one thing beautiful. 

another great online find.  again, don't remember where. dear copyright people, please don't sue me

"A whiff of woodsmoke on the wind, the first chill in the air, the woods just edged in gold.  Light the first fire, time to put the 'home' in 'home sweet home'."~Susan Branch~    

9 years with Mr. Stoltzfus

My stomach is a little nervous, excited-nervous, not scared-nervous.  I get like this when I think of the journey that my husband I share.  It is so deep and takes up so much of who I am.  And most of the time I feel completely undeserving of this amazing man that I call husband.  He brings me joy unmatched here on earth, (don't be fooled, we can tick each other off too)!  He takes me just as I am.  He encourages me to be more then I am today.  He believes in me. He loves me.

He is one of the most gracious humans I know.  He works like a lion and loves like a lamb.  I don't know how he does it all.  How can he keep loving me so?  And it's only been 9 years today, just a drop in the bucket of life I pray!    

I am so in love with my husband.
I'm not afraid to shout it out from the rooftops, (or computer monitors)!!  And Lord, my desire is to whisper it in the daily actions of life.  I've got a lot of growing up to do.  A lot of self left in me, so much at times it feels impossible to be the true me.  I want to bring him JOY all the days of his life.  I want to bless him.  Encourage him. Love him good.  But I'm just a woman and I can't do it alone.  I am not a good lover when I'm out of touch with my Lover.  There are attitudes and reactions and just yuk! that needs some attention.   Thank you Jake for not giving up on me, on us.  For loving me just the way I am.  You deserve all the good that life has to offer and I hope to be apart of that goodness......may the Lord watch over us, protect us from the arrows of life and sing songs of deliverance over us!!!!     

These pictures were taken last Sunday by my friend Michelle.  She had a homework assignment, (she's in photography school) in which she needed to interpret a poem.  She needed a couple and she called on us.  Jake is such a good sport and went right along with it.  I didn't "make" him do anything.  He's a man, not my child! (Just wanted to clarify that to any scoffers out there)! :) It was a special hour together to say the least.  She took some "real" pictures too, in addition to the more posed ones for her assignment, thank you for that Michelle.  I dressed in the same outfit I wore 10 years ago during our engagement shoot. You can click here if you'd like, to see the rest of the pictures and to meet Michelle.

"My greatest fortune

in a life of brilliant experiences

has been to find you,

and to lead my life with you...."

~Winston Churchill~

13 Balloons for Tyler

Suddenly this idea popped into my head.  I couldn't wait to make it happen.  13 balloons for Tyler, one representing each year of his current and future schooling. 

Every year he'll release one less balloon.

And then on the first day of his senior year, (seems like forever from now) there he will be with one last balloon.  Makes me tear up just

 thinking about it!

 I love his facial expression here, my little Superman! 

 OH, that face!!!!  Such delight!!

And so we're off...let the journey begin.

xoxo.

"You are you.  Now, isn't that pleasant?" ~Dr. Seuss~

Martin's Bread Truck

 Several weeks ago I spotted this beauty.  Of course I had to turn around and snap a few pics of her.  I'm tellin' ya, if I had to drive a truck, I would want it to be THIS ONE! 

 She's even cute looking with her doors hanging open!
Love the robins-egg blue color and the big old pictures of bread in a bag.

 I can see it now, me cruisin' down the highway in this baby, windows open wide and music blarring! 

You know, that's just how I'd roll! 



"Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly."~Author Unknown~

thoughts about not homeschooling.

Tomorrow morning I send my baby off to school. My first child's first day of Kindergarten, (ironically it's my oldest sister who is sending her LAST child off to her first day of her SENIOR year)! The circle of life!

Oh, be still my heart! I'm SO EXCITED FOR HIM. We met his sweet teacher last week and saw his classroom, his eyes just lit up when he entered the room. Upon seeing his teacher for the first time he said, "Hiiii Mrs. Ditzleeer" in the sweetest, kindest, high-pitched voice you ever did hear! (he even drug out his words as written above). "I got this map for you from Dutch Wonderland and here's some meadow tea, it's from my house." He handed her a mason jar full of cold meadow tea and his little tattered map, so delighted with himself! He took a tour of his room and colored a picture, talking with his teacher almost the entire time.

For the past month he has been coming to me each day with a first-day-of-school countdown. He has his own calender on which he crosses out each day, (when he wakes up~~before the day has even begun)! :) And so, each morning he announces with glee how many days until he goes to school. "Only one more day 'til school Mom, I'm getting so tall like you, I'm going to miss you Mom and when I come home you will ask me, 'how was school today Tyler?'"

I have such a peace about not homeschooling him this year, although coming to that decision was not an easy one for me. A lot of internal wrestling. Feeling like a failure. Perhaps I didn't give it my all, if I would have tried harder then it would have worked, gone smoothly, blossomed.

Is something wrong with me? Am I too selfish to even try? These and many, many more questions......a journey working through this was mine this past Summer. Jake really left it up to me, this decision. He understood that it was I who would be taking on the extra workload and he was fully supportive in whatever choice I made. I so appreciate that about him. And he was gentle with me, firm too. He saw the stress I carried in trying to do it all. He saw that there were more days of me not enjoying it, then enjoying it. He didn't like the way things were going around here.And neither did I.

Don't get me wrong, we had a wonderful year together and I do not regret it one bit.  We lived and learned together, so much quality time, we went on lots of field trips, lots of reading and writing and watching Tyler learn before me was exhilarating. Yet it still wasn't working as a whole.  

Maybe my priorities are out of line.  It's my child's EDUCATION so I should TRY HARDER to do it all.  And quite frankly, I WANT to do it all and do it perfectly too. And that's the problem. I see others around me supposedly doing it well, almost effortlessly. But that's not the truth, it's not my priorities that are out of line, it's my PERCEPTION that's out of line.  And I am NOT saying that if you homeschool that you are trying to do it all.  It is a decision that you have come to for your home and it is working for you. And I am happy for you, I celebrate your life and it's ebb and flow.  May this year be more flow then ebb, wherever you choose to educate your children. 

There are sacrifices made within homeschooling homes that I know nothing of.  Actually, some of my best friends homeschool their children and I DO KNOW just a bit of what they face, they tell me. The sweet times, the challenges, trials, victories, joys and confirmations. And yet, even in talking with them, I still do not fully understand. Can we ever understand someone elses life without living it? The high regard I have for my homeschooling friends is beyond words.

One of my deepest desires is to excel at all I try, at all I put my hand to. And that's not a bad thing, it's when trying to succeed at something comes at the cost of those around me, that's when it crosses over into something unhealthy. Something selfish even. Self-serving and done in my own strength.

Excellence gone bad.

I don't have any clear cut answers, no ABC's as to why it didn't work out with homeschooling him. I just knew it wasn't working for us, within our home and hearts. Not to say it never will, I am open to homeschooling Luke and Paisley or even Tyler at a different stage. I guess the bottom line is this:

And that's fine.

it's fine.

it is o-k.

it's not failure.

Dare I say it might actually be success?

Realizing this and living it out for yourself?

And so, tomorrow morning I send my baby off to school. My first child's first day of Kindergarten.

 

"Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations."

~Faith Baldwin~

p.s. my apologies to all who may be crying because of the first song, "Hourglass" by Mindy Gledhill.  It's a tear-jerker or maybe it was just me. xoxo.

Crickets in my heart

It's 1:30am, I should be sleeping. Not sure what woke me this early morning, but I can't fall back to sleep, so I'm writing. The moon is shining down through our open window casting a soft glow on my husband.  My man who works so hard on our behalf. His callosed hands from Summertime block lifting being restored as he sleeps, to do it all again tomorrow.  Because of love. 

Paisley's crying so I went and offered her a drink of water. "You want a drink?"I ask, she shakes her mopped head of hair.  "You want me to hold you a little?" "Se", (yes).  She quickly fell asleep again and I sat in her softly lit room, her head against my heart, just listening to the crickets outside.  It feels like there are crickets in my heart this morning.  Just a constant, steady pulse of thoughts and feelings.  Not a bad thing, just thoughts that seem to be sinking lower then usual.  It's almost the end of Summer so they say and I'm pretty sure that's where the thoughts began.  The Summer of 2011, when my precious kiddos were 6, 4 and 2, it's almost over.  It's so bittersweet to me.  What did we do this Summer?  Where did it go?  

The cool Autumn air is moving in, the clouds looked like Fall today.  I feel it right now, my barefeet cold against the kitchen floor. Time for fuzzy slippers again.
Tyler starts school on August 29th.  Not this next Monday, but the following.  That's a cricket in my heart if there ever was one.  I'll share more in another post about our decision to not homeschool him again this year.  For now, it's just something that is heavy on my heart.  This new and exciting season for him and this new and letting go season for me.  I laid sleeping Paisley in her crib again closing the door behind me. 

Sitting at the foot of Tyler's creaky bed I just stared at him.  His tall body taking over that twin bed right before my very eyes.  His head full of sunshine bleached blond hair resting on his favorite sesame street pillowcase.  His Thomas pillow lying on the floor with his 123 book on top.  He's been reading a lot lately, (making stuff up along the way).  His "collection" of.....well, his collection.  And I can't believe how worked up I get over their little mess of a room, (it's not even that bad).  I probably need help to stop being so concerned about messes.  What's the big deal anyway?  It just feels like so much innocence before me, because it is.  And it's overwhelming sometimes.  That we're in charge of that, GIVEN charge over that.  Over his life, their life. 

Luke is sleeping peacefully covered in his "refreshing blanket", (a very, very lightweight quilt that seems perpetually cool to the touch).  His guitar pillowcase safely tucked under his inquisitive mind.  His dearly loved puppy under his arm, choked with love.  Can't believe that things head hasn't fallen off yet, he's had it since birth.  I've never seen a child move so much in his sleep, (that's why we hardly ever have him in our bed, our squirm-worm).  I think of the precious card he made for his Paige. He composed it himself and ask me how to spell each word, meticulously writing each letter to perfection to the best of his ability. "Paige, I will miss you at college. Luke."  He added some hearts in there and his favorite number, 100. I could have cried, probably did.

Here's a picture Paige took upon receiving it in the mail. xoxo

Thursday we go to Dutch Wonderland, our yearly tradition.  Monday we leave for one week, our last vacation before school starts.  We'll sop up the rest of Summer in OCNJ, (Ocean City, New Jersey).  My cricket heart can't wait.  There's just something grounding about being near the ocean. 

Sweet picture created by Miss Kaelin, our babysitter and friend. xoxo.

Dinner Club in an old barn

On the list of wonderful things we enjoyed this Summer was our monthly Dinner Club get-togethers!  We started this in June, 2010 and have been meeting every month since then.  Earlier this Summer we were at my cousins lovely farmhouse.  They had an old barn that they tore down, leaving the old beams, creating an amazing outdoor room.  

In speaking for all of us, these times have become nothing short of a REFUGE!  As I mentioned in earlier posts, we each bring an appetizer or dessert so the cost of the evening is almost nothing, (besides hiring a sitter) and yet the food is OUTSTANDING!   

On this particular night we decided to include the children.  It went so smoothly as our "tribes" ran around the property exploring to their hearts content.

My cousin cut the legs off these old plastic chairs~~such a GREAT idea and the kids thought it was pretty cool too.

 Shar's famous banafee pie. ooooh!! 

 All our kiddos.

 Our gracious hostess.

 When the sun went down, they started a movie on the outdoor screen. Of course, we had to introduce Tom and Jerry with the opening act of "Coldplay Live"! 

 So there we all sat, into the night. 
Content and peaceful, with grateful hearts. 

 I love living life with my man.
Thanks Shar for the picture, it's one of my favorites from the Summer of 2011.  



We do not remember days;
we remember moments. 
~Cesare Pavese~