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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

4 weeks to go, (give or take).

it's getting closer.
the due date. 
each morning i have more excitement about meeting this sweet, sweet baby....and each night i have to take my heart back to the Safe Place, (i tend to worry alot toward the pending due date, as i'm sure many women do....what if i can't do this?  what if something happens to this baby?  what if....what if?).  i was writing a friend the other day, (emailing actually, so i shouldn't really say "writing")'s a little excerpt of what i shared with her:

"... this is also the time my trust and faith have to dig deeper, what if something happens?  am i crazy for having a homebirth? what if our baby has downs syndrome and we don't know it? all that stuff that cannot be answered and all that stuff that gets right in my face and says, "you are out of control."  AND IT'S GOOD AND OK AND WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.  jake is so good about calling me back to Jesus, back to the place where my safety is, not perfection, safety.  on one hand i 've been facing this since we decided to have tyler at home, so i'm kinda use to the familiar feelings that come about choosing homebirth and such.  but, we have no reason to not be comfortable here at home, with 3 beautiful labors and deliveries in my mind and heart and remembrance, i am put at ease and remember what has been....and what can be again."

so the preparation continues, both physically in getting our home ready and all that is needed for a homebirth, (which surprisingly isn't very much).  funny how it takes so little, (as in "stuff") to birth a baby, but more to care for it once it's here.  bassinet. diapers. wipes. lotions. bottles. nuks. stroller. burp clothes. clothing. on and on.  my preparation, here at the end/beginning is more emotionally. I read this article recently and found it so true....and helpful:

(jake started this when i was preggo with tyler). SWEET MAN.
"the emotional component is more important than practicing squatting positions or back rubs. The way you feel about what is happening to you in pregnancy and during childbirth will affect your ability to remain relaxed, deal with pain and discomfort and make informed decisions. One of the indicators of a woman's successful natural childbirth is her confidence in her ability to give birth. No one can give you confidence in your body, in the birth process or in yourself. You have to find your own sources of strength, and know how to use them during childbirth."  ~Jennifer Vanderlaan &; Birthing Naturally~
so sweet of her.
I AM OBVIOUSLY NO EXPERT and do not pretend to be.  I only want to share my experiences and insights from my point of view in regards to laboring and delivering at home.  For me it has been such a positive journey.  Oftentimes I've hesitated talking about homebirth here on my blog for various reasons.  But I love the idea of birthing at home, (with low risk pregnancies) and want to share my positive experiences.  i may write about it more as time allows, but for now i will simply say how EXCITED i am to go into labor.  Such an amazing experience.  To think, this body carried this baby, from a simple little seed into a full grown baby and now it gets to deliver this baby into our arms.  the continuation of a generation. what a MIRACLE.  i feel it more, even deeper this time because of my previous miscarriages and the realization that my "baby" days might be over.  Also, this may be the last time i ever carry a baby so every stage is savored, if you will. please don't foolishly think i'm floating around in pregnant delight, i'm not.  however, i'm squeezing the sweetness that i can from the fruit i've been given. 
36 WEEKS. 

"....swollen bellied and lumbering, wondering, waiting.
Sitting on a nest, anticipating cracking and emergence, seems highly preferable, however, to powerful contractions wringing you out in attempt to thrust an 8 pound being from within.
During the night watches last night, irregular contractions prodding me to wakefulness, I wanted to walk.
Walk and walk and walk. Far away from my skin, from impending pain, from the inevitable.
But walking would only intensify the pain, bring it on faster, strengthen the contractions.
I smiled in the darkness. Running away from pain always does that. Intensifies it, magnifies it, amplifies it.
Better to be like a hen. Nestle in. Sit tight. Cluck a bit. Stay on the nest. Stick with it."  
~ann voscamp~

it will not be easy, but it will be beautiful.
it will take and give at the same time. 
it will break me open and bring life.
isn't that what being human is all about though? 
to be broken and made all at once?

"The birthing of a baby is the deliverance of a message from God. About His passion for humanity....We were all babies, all crying, brilliant pink, unclothed, flailing miniatures of the divine, created in His image. The ticking of the clock shrouds that truth, the process of becoming civilized whisks that fact under its rustling robes of sophistication and “maturity”. But these are mere guises for who we all are….bundles of crying humanity wanting to be held, soothed, rocked."
~ann voscamp~


Laura said...

Just want to send some encouragement your way! I delivered our sweet Anne Noelle at home just less then two weeks ago, and felt all the same things you are feeling now. And this one was number 5. I don't think those feelings ever go away, or it ever gets easy, but it pulls us back to God and remembering that HE is our strength and what gets us through. He already knows, already has it taken care of, we just have to walk the way with Him. You will do great. Can't wait to read about it!

Charis O'Connell said...

What a lovely post...I'm 35 weeks pregnant right now and we're going to have #3 at the birth center again... I'm not brave enough to have a baby in my home quite yet...or perhaps it's just that our bedroom is always so messy and the birth center room is so clean and quiet =: ) But I loved your quotes from Ann Voskamp! Very encouraging thank you!

Kelli said...

Beautiful post and so true....

AmyK said...

During my first pregnancy I had to take time each day to focus on letting go of the illusion of control and to lay down my fears about childbirth in a hospital. I found I was so much more relaxed the 2nd time around when I was going to a birth center, specifically because I felt at peace about that location and the midwives. I think it is amazing how much our psyche influences our physical bodies. I kept reminding myself of Ina May's advice to "let your monkey do it." :)

Anonymous said...

Our experiences have been far different.....that is for sure!!!! Regardless, however life enters into this world it is a gift from god, to be cherished, the rest is just noise!!!
I pray baby is safe and is Mama!