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Friday, June 24, 2011

another miscarriage

It was a joyful Father's Day weekend as we learned the previous week that we were expecting another baby!  Of course, after having a miscarriage back in March, I was so delighted to see that simple, miraculous word "pregnant."  I was 5 weeks pregnant until this past Tuesday.  I woke up to some light cramping and then the bleeding started.  I knew right away what was happening, but was comforted by others words, (my sweet midwife and my friends) that this can often happen early in pregnancy and not to be too worried about it, but my heart was heavy I can remember feeling a heavy heart before, always in relation to a death, as in literally it felt like a weight was resting ontop of my heart, still does. 

That night I barely slept, moving between the recliner, my bed and the couch.  I just was so restless because I knew I was bleeding our baby out. It's a terrible, terrible feeling to haveAnd sorry for the mental word picture, but it's the truth of what is happening.  My body was preparing a place for this baby to grow and bloom and become it's own little person and now, like a thick winter coat, it's shedding everything that was once it's haven

There was a beautiful storm that moved through, the rain falling outside was soothing mixed with distant thunder and almost constant lightening.  Around 2am the electricity went out, (so thus all the AC units).  The kids woke up one by one and cried out in the pitch black.  Jake made a "nest" for them on the floor and they fell asleep in peace. 

Earlier in the night, before they came into our room I clearly heard a tiny sweet voice say "Mommy."  I popped open my eyes and reached my arms out to the side of our bed, I thought perhaps Paisley had somehow gotten out of her crib and made her way to our bedroom, but no one was there. Immediately I heard the Lord say to my spirit, "I'm holding her.  Let your kids bring healing to you."  It was a very real moment in my life and one I will never forget. I don't know how that's going to happen, my earthly kids bringing healing to me and all, but it was such a strong and clear word. 

My family and friends are amazing Yesterday morning my friend Jena had the children, took them to the park and out for lunch, then home for naps.  That afternoon I was almost certain their eyes were sinking into the back of their skulls because of watching too much tv!  Jake couldn't get home fast enough and our friends Scott and Angie brought us dinner, (I have the best friends in this world)!  I'm so tired, physically and emotionally. I just want to sleep and not think about it, not have to process all this againYesterday my mantra was, "this just sucks" because it does. 

Today I am writing because that brings healing to me, reaching out, not in, is what frees me.  It's different for everyone, and not right or wrong either way.  My husband retreats and heals.  Not I.  While chatting with a friend of mine she said some things that were so right on, "things which are out of our control are always difficult to accept. Trials are funny...they slam realities into our face that are actually with us all the time, but we don't focus on until we have to. We are not promised anything, although we live as though we are."This morning I sat under some praise music, (which simply means I put on some worship music and laid down on the recliner with my eyes closed). Some words that stuck out to me most were these: 

"my heart aches for You my God, my soul waits for You my God, I've come far to find you here, in this place will I draw near. For I know You are faithful, my God.  For I KNOW You are faithful my God.  From the land of the barren, we will cry out for rain, fill our hearts God, I'll keep trusting You. {And Your Spirit inside me holds me close}, in Your Wonderful Presence I let go.  For I know You are faithful my God.....I declare YOU ARE FAITHFUL."
~Kim Walker~

This miscarriage has proved to be very different then the last one.  Not nearly as intense physically, but moreso emotionally.  So many questions and feelings of guilt and doubt about the future; Did we try too soon?  Should we have waited longer?  Why did I get pregnant again just to lose another baby?  What's wrong with me?  Will I be able to carry another baby full term? What will people say about me having 2 miscarriages so close together? 
Mostly stupid questions, but questions nonetheless.

  I WANT to share with you.  I know there are some of you reading, who think it's too soon and I shouldn't be sharing such intimate details of my life on this great world wide web.  But it's life and it's happening to me in living color.  I'm not ashamed to share it with you, my struggles TODAY, my heartaches and questions.  And really, that's why I blog anyway, to share my life.  The parts of life that are beautiful and good as well as the valleys and sorrows.  I feel raw right now, feeling so irritable and tired, yet restless.  I'm sure it's partly hormonal too.  Again, I am SO AMAZED at how quickly a woman's body regulates to "making a house a home" internally for her unborn baby. 

Last time I really pushed into the Lord's presence, for comfort, for healing, for refuge and He met me right where I was, ever faithful.  This time I'm feeling a bit more broken.  I don't have the strength to reach out it seems and THAT'S OK.  It's not about me being able to press in, or touch His garment or even cry out.  It's just about me being His and that's enough for now.... 

"{We are perplexed},
but NOT in despair."
II Corinthians 4:8

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey Janelle!! So sorry about your loss! I love how you are so open & honest!! Will be saying a prayer for you today!! God will be your strength!!
-Sue Esh

melissa hoffman said...

Oh Janelle, I'm so sorry! Praying you find strength and peace in this difficult time. The way you express your feelings through your blog are just beautiful...don't worry how it sounds to others. You are probably helping more women than you can even imagine!

~Rosanne said...

Its just about being His and thats enough for now, your words are beautiful. Rest in His arms.

Aimee said...

Praying for you, sweet Janelle...

Anonymous said...

Janelle, I'm so sorry!! I will pray for u- Lena Stoltzfus(Chet)

Ginger said...

I'm praying for you Janelle. Thank you for sharing your heart and your loss. As personal and painful as it is, you are speaking to so many women who have already walked through that valley, are currently mourning or will soon face such loss.

I can completely understand the word the Lord has given you of letting your children help bring you healing. It's natural to mourn, and we should. But the Lord has blessed you with precious life there right in front of you, reflecting His love, His faithfulness and just as each of theme is a treasure to you, you remain a treasure to Him. It's hard to explain, but every hug, every smile, every pbj coated kiss will be so much sweeter and bring volumes of healing.

In case someone hasn't told you yet, it isn't your fault. You didn't hurt your baby. Picking up another child didn't do it. Being on your feet too long didn't do it. Working in the garden didn't do it. Your body is not broken. It was God's sovereign plan. Please guard your heart from the what ifs and don't allow satan to make this about your worth and abilities as a woman. It's not about whether or not your body will be able to hold another pregnancy to term. It's really all about whether or not God will breathe life into your womb. In many ways, that may seem cold, but I pray it will come to be a source of peace.
Ask your questions of God...the great news is that God is big enough to be able to handle our questions, our hurts and even our doubts. You are in my thoughts and prayers

Debby said...

Dear Janelle,
I am a fairly new reader to your blog, but your post in March about your miscarriage was very touching to me, although I had never experienced it. However, just last night, I also had a miscarriage. I was 7 weeks along as you were with your first. After calling a close few to pray and reading the Bible, I remembered your blog post and I went back to look for it. It was so healing to me to read. Thank you for sharing your difficult times as well as your joys. I'm so sorry for this recent loss. I will be praying for you as we go through this grief process at the same time.
Debby Rissler

Dana said...

Janelle, I'm sorry........my heart goes out to you and ached with pain and joy hearing your story about the whisper you hear at night. I'm sorry I only now heard of the miscarrige...I get disconnected so easily and am not always the best of a friend. I love you and will be praying for you and Jake as you go through this tough time and look toward the future of your family.

Our Life Version 4.0 said...

I'm so sorry for your loss! :-( Praying for you and thanking you for being so honest and open.

Sarah Gingrich said...

Love to you and sweet girl in Heaven...

your friend,
Sarah

Ang Stoltzfus said...

good to see you tonight...as i'm sure you were able to enjoy your family & the change of scenery. i am grieving with you & understand your pain & i love you so very much.

amy said...

God bless you! I am so sorry about this loss.

peace
amy

sacredlongings said...

Oh my sweet sweet friend, I hate that I am not around to come minister toyou... I am gonna send u something in the mail instead... My heart bursts for you and I ache to hold you... Let my spirit reach out to yours and may Jesus comfort you as you rest in his peace even during your grief... I will talk to you soon,

Bess said...

Love you friend...love you, love you, love you.

Jena said...

you have been so so close to my heart these past two days and I am praying... love you so so much my friend...

those words your friend spoke to you are so so true... you know I have lived them, and I am so sorry that you are living them too... while it brings us closer and closer to the Father, it is a painful journey... and not one that we often choose... Praying that the Father holds you, and carries you... praying for special grace for you and your household... I just love your children so much... they are a joy and delight...I am here...

Sarah said...

My dear friend...I;m so sorry to hear this...my heart aches for you and your family... There are times the Lord doesn't take us out of the valley...but He's ALWAYS there to join us in it... I thought I'd share a song with you buy Lindsay Kane called "The Valley"
Here's the link:
http://www.myspace.com/lindseykane2/music/songs/the-valley-78185090

Much love...and in my prayers!!!

Mimy said...

Crying with you...my 2nd one was so much tougher emotionally as well. It's ok to be broken and angry. Praying God will meet you. Hugs...

Kara Stoltzfus said...

J, I affirm what you heard the lord speak!! Let your kids bring healing to you. I have experienced that in multiple ways. Ever since Logan died I have found healing through the lives of our healthy children and a deep thankfulness for them! Let them bring joy into your heart.
I am so sorry!

Jess said...

"Freedom reigns in this place...showers of mercy and grace, they are falling on every face...there is freedom." I love this song, especially the part "they are falling on every face". As you lay there on your recliner knowing you are His, KNOW He is continually showering mercy and grace on you because He IS yours. Love you Janelle and I am praying for you during this time...

clarita said...

Oh Janelle! I can by to catch up on your blog, and was in tears when I read that you have lost another baby to miscarriage! I am so so sorry that you're experiencing this ~ the emotional pain, yes, and also the difficult realities of caring for young children in the midst of trying to recover physically... I will be praying for you, Sweet Janelle!
I love you!

tines said...

oh janelle. i am so sorry. i'm praying now for your healing and the deepest comfort. love you. you are on my heart friend. xo

Kelly said...

Hello Janelle. you probably don't remember me but I used to go to Victory Chapel a million years ago and I literally stumbled upon your blog. I couldn't believe my eyes in more ways than one. I am just absolutely moved to tears at this loss. you were always such an upbeat person you have such a strong faith in God, I even remember you not shaving your legs so you would fit in with the people from India - you are a force to be reckoned with- so much strength in you. Thank you for sharing - I know what you are going through and disregard the words of the enemy. Let Faith arise.
your three babes are beautiful. and your blog is just adorable!

Amy said...

Wow, I had no idea, when I met you, what you were going thru. What a beautiful and real writing. It got me thinking how when we meet anyone for the first time...we all look so normal...like everything is neutral and fine...when there could be (and often is) the most intense thing happening... Thanks for sharing, and I pray for healing. I also greatly enjoy Kim Walker. Passionate worship. - Amy Horst

Vickie said...

Continuing to pray for you Seet Friend. You are ALWAYS giving to others. As I read this, I see it again. For the mom who cannot express her sorrow and loss...you write for her. For the woman who feels so alone...you are her friend. For those looking for hope in the middle of a dark night...you show the way. Thank you for the honesty, the authenticity. Thank you for the integrity, the vulnarability. Thank you for showing that the Lord is EVER PRESENT. He promises to never leave us or forsake us. Rest deaf friend. You are an amazing woman, a terrific friend. We all are blessed to know you!

xoxoxox