and now i am comforted to truly comfort. i never realized how quickly a Mother's heart is born. it only takes a few weeks to fall in love. in my case 7.5 weeks. oh, i had such anticipation in waiting to tell friends and family and you, my blog friends. to share the news of our "Spring Blossom" as I had endearingly named it. I was going to take pictures of the pregnancy test standing upright in the dirt next to my other spring shoots! "My newest perennial!" my mind was spinning with creative "announcement" ideas. "My Edelweiss!"i love me some JOY and what greater JOY-FULL thing!? We decided to wait until I was 8 weeks to begin telling people. So that's not been easy, sharing the happy news now married to the sad.
You, my "blog friends" feel very real to me. perhaps that's just because i invest a lot of energy into my blog, so when you comment or show up on this site i feel your presence in a way. my mom asked me with disapproval in her voice if i'm going to put it on my blog. it wasn't disapprovaing on purpose, i just don't think in "her day" you would talk about this kind of thing with many others, let alone strangers. well, even today, it's not something you really hear others talking about. that's not so much me though. it's part of our story now, part of my life and heart and that's why i write. i write to share our world, our days, my thoughts and ponderings.
it was a difficult week to say the least. physically i never knew the trauma that some women's bodies go through after delivering the unformed, unborn baby. i reacted quite similarly, (though much less intense), to when i delivered my 3 full term babies. what a shock it was to me. each miscarriage is as different as each woman's birth story it seems. emotionally, just such a mixture of all kinds of things; questions, feelings, thoughts: "Was it my fault?" "Am I working too hard?" "Did I do something to make this happen?" All very normal questions to have. All untrue. There are so many "wives tales" out there~~and the fact is that most of the time there is something inherently wrong with the baby and this is Nature's way of taking care of it, (over 500,000 miscarriages each YEAR in America alone). And just because you had a miscarriage doesn't mean it will happen again. a new level of grace has now been burned into my emotional well. our bodies are not meant to let our babies go too soon, neither are our hearts.
Last Friday i awoke to light bleeding, cramps, back pain throughout the day and by the setting of the sun, no more baby. i knew the moment it passed from me. and that was a sad realization, that we were no longer one. our time together was over.
part of me feels really silly even "mourning" this death at all. i've seen the deep valley that several of my friends have traveled, delivering stillborn babies or watching their full-term babies take their final breath in their arms. this pales in comparison to say the least!! Losing a baby this soon is a form of God's grace on my life, I mean it. I cannot imagine the heart-wrenching, soul-shaking, physical beating that takes place when you hold your fully formed baby in your arms just long enough to whisper goodbye. it's just not right.
the boys were so excited and all questions when we told them about the new baby on it's way. and so when Jake told them that the baby had died it understandably made them sad. and in typical childlike fashion they spoke some words and on with life they ran. Luke, my 4 year old said, "Why did the baby have to die Mom? I guess we have to wait for God to give us another baby." And that about sums it up doesn't it?
Will it proclaim Your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me,
O Lord, be my help.
You turned my wailing into dancing,
removed my sackcloth and clothed me with JOY,
that my heart may sing to Youand not be silent.
O Lord my God,
I will give you thanks forever."
Psalm 30: 9-12
Death is a part of life. I do not judge God for the way things happen, to me or to others. He is worthy of praise just because He's worthy, not because of what He does or doesn't do for me,
|Tyler's hand-picked flowers for me.|
Jake has been so beautiful to me despite his inability to really KNOW what's happening. He arranged for me to have an in-home massage, he wrote me cards, kept the home in order, (as much as he knew how, bless him) and prayed for my heart. He was/is such a comfort to me. A refuge. A hiding place. Reminds me of Someone Else i know. However, I will say that one night he did put Paisley to bed without a diaper on.....a sign that he was in over his head a bit! Oh, it was a funny moment Sunday morning when he found her just as sweet as ever in a drenched nightie and bedding! You know, the stinky, soaking morning pee? She didn't even cry through the night or anything. Bless her dear soaked heart. He graciously laundered the bedding and we had a good laugh about it!
It's NOT easy to trust the uncontrollable happenings in this life. I'm not trying to make it sound like it is. I'm just not sure what other options I have....or want. If He has my life, then He has ALL MY LIFE. "'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home."
from all that comes to me."~unknown author~
A special THANK YOU to our family and friends for their VISIBLE support this past week. Flowers,(pictured above), meals, phone calls, cards, coffee drop offs, texts, chocolate covered strawberries, emails, caring for our children, praying for us, giving us space and time, keeping us near your mind. We literally FELT your love. I know it takes time to show you care and we have been humbled by your kindness toward our life and home!