miscarriage

the word alone sounds empty. fractured. sad. i've been given the honor of joining the women that have held a baby in their womb for too short a time.  something i never understood or had true compassion for. throughout the years i would often hear of friends and family that had miscarriages and my heart would feel saddened for them, for about 48 hours, if that. my life took over again and rightfully so, that's why it's called "my" life....i'm not living someone elses, just my own.

and now i am comforted to truly comfort. i never realized how quickly a Mother's heart is born. it only takes a few weeks to fall in love. in my case 7.5 weeks. oh, i had such anticipation in waiting to tell friends and family and you, my blog friends. to share the news of our "Spring Blossom" as I had endearingly named it.  I was going to take pictures of the pregnancy test standing upright in the dirt next to my other spring shoots! "My newest perennial!"  my mind was spinning with creative "announcement" ideas.  "My Edelweiss!"i love me some JOY and what greater JOY-FULL thing!?  We decided to wait until I was 8 weeks to begin telling people. So that's not been easy, sharing the happy news now married to the sad.

You, my "blog friends" feel very real to me. perhaps that's just because i invest a lot of energy into my blog, so when you comment or show up on this site i feel your presence in a way. my mom asked me with disapproval in her voice if i'm going to put it on my blog. it wasn't disapprovaing on purpose, i just don't think in "her day" you would talk about this kind of thing with many others, let alone strangers. well, even today, it's not something you really hear others talking about. that's not so much me though.  it's part of our story now, part of my life and heart and that's why i write. i write to share our world, our days, my thoughts and ponderings.

it was a difficult week to say the least. physically i never knew the trauma that some women's bodies go through after delivering the unformed, unborn baby. i reacted quite similarly, (though much less intense), to when i delivered my 3 full term babies. what a shock it was to me. each miscarriage is as different as each woman's birth story it seems. emotionally, just such a mixture of all kinds of things; questions, feelings, thoughts: "Was it my fault?"  "Am I working too hard?"  "Did I do something to make this happen?"  All very normal questions to have.  All untrue. There are so many "wives tales" out there~~and the fact is that most of the time there is something inherently wrong with the baby and this is Nature's way of taking care of it, (over 500,000 miscarriages each YEAR in America alone).  And just because you had a miscarriage doesn't mean it will happen again. a new level of grace has now been burned into my emotional well. our bodies are not meant to let our babies go too soon, neither are our hearts.

Last Friday i awoke to light bleeding, cramps, back pain throughout the day and by the setting of the sun, no more baby. i knew the moment it passed from me.  and that was a sad realization, that we were no longer one.  our time together was over. 

part of me feels really silly even "mourning" this death at all. i've seen the deep valley that several of my friends have traveled, delivering stillborn babies or watching their full-term babies take their final breath in their arms.  this pales in comparison to say the least!! Losing a baby this soon is a form of God's grace on my life, I mean it. I cannot imagine the heart-wrenching, soul-shaking, physical beating that takes place when you hold your fully formed baby in your arms just long enough to whisper goodbye. it's just not right.


the boys were so excited and all questions when we told them about the new baby on it's way. and so when Jake told them that the baby had died it understandably made them sad. and in typical childlike fashion they spoke some words and on with life they ran. Luke, my 4 year old said, "Why did the baby have to die Mom? I guess we have to wait for God to give us another baby." And that about sums it up doesn't it?

"Will the dust praise You?
Will it proclaim Your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me,
O Lord, be my help.
You turned my wailing into dancing,
removed my sackcloth and clothed me with JOY,
that my heart may sing to Youand not be silent.
O Lord my God,
I will give you thanks forever."
Psalm 30: 9-12

This is the verse that was spoken to my soul. Our baby will never praise on this side of heaven, but WE CAN~~~WE WILL. We are left to proclaim His faithfulness NO MATTER WHAT. And that is all I can give my baby, a legacy of praise. As I said earlier, I have seen this as a gift of God's grace on our life, our home, our family. As odd as that sounds, that's what it is to me.

Death is a part of life. I do not judge God for the way things happen, to me or to others. He is worthy of praise just because He's worthy, not because of what He does or doesn't do for me,
for us,
for earth.

I do not belong here, it's my passing through place. And I'm ok with that. I don't know how long I'll have any of my babies, or how long they'll have me. However I want to know Him Who placed me here today. March, Twenty-Eleven. I want to travel the unknown with Him by my side. Even though the way feels lonely and dark at times, how much worse for my SPIRIT and SOUL to fall into loneliness and darkness too. But for the GRACE OF GOD there go I.

Tyler's hand-picked flowers for me.

And it's not about my own strength either. I'm over that. At least that's my hearts desire. To no longer have anything of ME to trust in. My thoughts, my ways, my ideas, my judgements, my life experiences. For goodness sake, I can't even LOVE Him without His inner strengthening.

"But I, BY YOUR GREAT MERCY, will come into Your house; in reverence will I bow down toward Your holy temple. Lead me, O Lord, in Your righteousness because of my enemies~~MAKE STRAIGHT YOUR WAY BEFORE ME."
Psalm 5:7-8

See, He does it all.

Please don't misunderstand this post. We are so sad and my heart is broken at what could have been. It's definitely been harder on me then Jake.  And that is common as well.  Men don't bond emotionally with the baby until later on.  Their everyday life isn't affected by a growing womb, nauseous mornings, name doodling and nursery plans.  However, if i can offer any encouragement to the four men that read this blog.....DON'T UNDERESTIMATE YOUR ABILITY TO CARE FOR YOUR WIFE EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. 

Jake has been so beautiful to me despite his inability to really KNOW what's happening.  He arranged for me to have an in-home massage, he wrote me cards, kept the home in order, (as much as he knew how, bless him) and prayed for my heart.  He was/is such a comfort to me.  A refuge.  A hiding place. Reminds me of Someone Else i know.  However, I will say that one night he did put Paisley to bed without a diaper on.....a sign that he was in over his head a bit!  Oh, it was a funny moment Sunday morning when he found her just as sweet as ever in a drenched nightie and bedding!  You know, the stinky, soaking morning pee?   She didn't even cry through the night or anything.  Bless her dear soaked heart.  He graciously laundered the bedding and we had a good laugh about it!  

 It's NOT easy to trust the uncontrollable happenings in this life. I'm not trying to make it sound like it is. I'm just not sure what other options I have....or want. If He has my life, then He has ALL MY LIFE. "'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home."

And so I go back to the "yearly theme word" for me. To GAZE upon Him, upon His grace taking on different shapes and forms and colors then I had ever imagined or desired. It's an adventure. It's a pilgrim's progress. In my post from this January about a yearly theme word I wrote, "There is a deep soul work that wants to bury down into me and I want to embrace that wholeheartedly, whatever it may look like. Easy to type out, hard to work out." More true today, then ever.

"Lord, help me this day to draw strength
from all that comes to me."~unknown author~

A special THANK YOU to our family and friends for their VISIBLE support this past week. Flowers,(pictured above), meals, phone calls, cards, coffee drop offs, texts, chocolate covered strawberries, emails, caring for our children, praying for us, giving us space and time, keeping us near your mind.  We literally FELT your love.   I know it takes time to show you care and we have been humbled by your kindness toward our life and home!