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Thursday, March 10, 2011

a letter

Recently I sent a letter to a friend.
I wanted to share bits of it with you because even as I was writing it, I felt I understood myself just a little more.
"As far as I'm concerned one can never have too much stationery, (another weakness of mine along with aprons, dishes and various chapsticks)! I hope and say a prayer that this little package finds you fulfilled and focused. Not on all that must be done in caring for your home, husband and children~instead on the inner workings of your womanhood and spirit man.

We are so much more then wives and Mothers, (although I question that many days). I long for fulfillment through and through....in what I do AND in who I am. And I know that I, (we) are not alone in that desire. How comforting to know that we are not the first or the last to trudge, (as it were) through this life!
Motherhood is no easy task, (but I don't have to tell you that). I'm not out to pretend it is. There are days I yell and pinch too much and just generally act a fool....and then there are sunshine days that I thank God for. Yet, it's on the difficult days, (or weeks) that I want to know His nearness, care and compassion for me. I CANNOT DO THIS IN MY OWN STRENGTH. I don't want to be strong or brave or a "good Mom" because those things are really accomplished through my own doings....and quite frankly I'm tried of me!!

And so, let us fall to our knees at our kitchen sinks
and cry out for Sweet Grace, mercy and Truth to FILL US ANEW!
"Your mercy and loving-kindness , O Lord,
endure forever~forsake not the work of Your own hands,
(um, that would be me)!!
Psalm 138:8

All my love dear friend,
Janelle


The realization of my need for Jesus is increased on a daily basis
. And it's not because I've been sitting in His presence with His peace and stillness rushing over me. It's in the DAILYNESS OF LIFE that I am seeing how pathetic I am IN AND OF MYSELF. And this is not something I say to put myself down or make myself feel like I am a victim of Motherhood. On the contrary, it's a TRUTH that seems to be burrowing itself deeper as the children grow and the demands, at times, SEEM greater then I can possibly handle.

I'm reminded of a hymn
that I use to listen to my Mother sing as a young girl, watching tears stream down her face. Seated on the hard, oak colored pew in the little Mennonite church on a Sunday morning. Fidgety and five.


"Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
for I am thy God, I will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand,
upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand,
upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand."
~How Firm a Foundation~

4 comments:

Mark Buckwalter said...

I am SO with you on this journey...may you find Him today at the kitchen sink, in the laundry, in the toys scattered on the floor....thanks for your realness!
love,
Heather

Smokers in the Valley said...

I struggle as well sometimes to find myself while being a mother. I wonder why it is that us women feel like we've lost ourselves to being a mother. It's a tough job but very fullfilling and I can't think of any better "mission ground" than in your home, raising the next generation in the Name of God. And really, whenever we lose ourselves isn't that the time to be filled with the Spirit of God? I am lucky to have a husband that lets me walk and pray all alone nearly everyday! It's not my time to focus on me or make to-do lists, it's my time to focus on God and let Him "recharge" me so that I can raise these children for His glory! What an awesome God we serve! And if God is for us then nothing stands against us, not a sink full of dishes, or a living room floor covered in toys, or a week of illness, or sleepless nights, or mounds of laundry, or endless bickering...

Jeane` said...

Amen and Amen....
(and I wish I could say more, but that is all I have right now!).
Love you!
J.
(Ps. Especially love your last paragraph and hymn )

Elizabeth said...

This post really spoke to me. Thank you.