A joyful limp on a Spring day ~ Thursday update

My Lover, friend and teammate!!

a joyful limp on a spring day!!
brothers
fountain

I'm tired right now. I think the past week has just started to really hit and despite a relatively good night's sleep, (Paisley is teething), I'm still tired. There is an emotional weariness that sets in when I'm in the hospital, all the beeping, the nurses in and out, the consultations with the Doctors, the general energy puts me at an elevated level inside. It doesn't do the same thing to Jake so that's why he can sleep well in there at night.

Another thing I'm working through and processing is trying to maintain a "normal" for Luke and Paisley. I feel like my grace level isn't as high for them and yet they need me just as much as Tyler does, just not in such an obvious way. Would you pray that I would have a new injection of compassion for them? They want Tyler home as much as I do. They want "normal" as much as I do. I just don't feel like I have much left to give to them and that is hard for me.

When I came back in this morning Jake said Tyler had a fever of 102* again last night. I was disappointed to hear that, but Dr. Bridgeman doesn't seem too concerned. He just knows that Tyler's body is still fighting hard to knock this stuff out. The infectious disease Dr, (can we PLEASE come up with a new name for him?) said tonight that Tyler's picc line might be infected! Oh Lord, no! We will know by tomorrow night. sigh. They took some blood from the other arm, (none picc arm) to compare it with the other cultures. So much blood being taken from him. It unnerves me.

The blood culture that has been negative for 24 hours has now turned positive, so that means the staph (bacteria) is still growing, but at a slower rate. It's amazing what "good" news means when you're in the hospital. Normally when you hear your child has some crazy stuff growing inside them, it freaks you out. But we're on the other side now, "oh, it's not growing so fast, how wonderful!!" It's weird.

Tyler was talking about how much he misses his house. "I'm staying here longer and longer, I miss my house and my toys and my bed." So I took a picture of our house and brought it in for him today. When he saw it he hugged it to his heart and closed his eyes. He said he wanted to stare at it "until I fall asleep." So, he rolled on his side and I propped it up against the hospital bed railing and he stared at it until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. I had to cry for him once he fell asleep. I wonder what was going through his mind and heart. Home is such a BEAUTIFUL PLACE!! Later on I'd like to talk with him about how "home" is wherever WE are, but that wasn't the time.

starting to walk alone

We went outside this afternoon and Tyler wanted to walk alone, (first time since last Wednesday). Later on this evening he was playing in the playroom down the hall and I was straightening our room. Suddenly he appeared in the doorway with no wheelchair. "I just wanted to get one of my engines", so he got one and hoppled back down the hall. I just stood there and watched in amazement. He's awesome!

The water fountain is up and running today. We watched them filling it yesterday. What is it about that water fountain that makes hope rise up in me? I guess because it's been a cold, empty pit all winter long and now a few guys came, cleaned it up and started pouring fresh water into it. And in less then 24 hours it's spraying beautiful streams of water and bringing a smile to those that see it.

I feel like that cold, empty pit and know that my Source is filling me up afresh even when all I can do is whisper "please God". I'm not quite to the "spraying beautiful streams" right now, (except out my eyes)!!

Five things I am grateful for right now:

1.) That it's 2010 and not 1910 because my child would be dead by now.

2.) That Jake actually likes the fuchsia ralph lauren shirt I bought him and he wears it with pride, (and looks mighty fine in it too)!!

3.) Someone, (I have no idea who) sent me 12 of the most amazing, ginormous gourmet chocolate covered strawberries, kept cool and delivered to my door from SAN flippin' DIEGO!!!! My dear friend Jess joined me last night in the hot tub and we enjoyed a few together. You will wish you were one of our nurses because tomorrow will be their special day!!!

4.) The above mentioned friend came to my house and planted pansies in my flower boxes and urns. We have the.most.amazing.friends.ever.

5.) YOU!!! if you're reading this then you love us or at the least are curious enough to see what's going on and must care a little bit about our lives. We have FELT your love and concern and thoughts toward us and WE ARE THANKFUL!!!

I've gotten alot of emails & cards about how "amazed" and "inspired" people are at our positive attitude. I look at it this way, THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN. At least not for me. It's a slippery, slippery slope into pity, worry, doubt, and anxiety so I'm not even going toward that slide. It's a steep climb the other way and not easy, but there is GRATITUDE, TRUST, SURRENDER AND PEACE at the top of that ladder and I WILL CLIMB IT. I will say that this "attitude" comes "easier" the more you practice it. I'm not feeling so great all day long, for sure NOT, however if my mind tries to slide I CHOOSE TO BRING IT BACK.

Like I said to a dear friend today, "I will not let ALL these years of planting God's word in me come up fruitless. I will not."

"LIFE IS 95 YEARS OF CHOICES."
~me~

The kids are settled
and my strawberries are waiting for me.

See you tomorrow.