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Monday, June 11, 2012

anticipation and fear.

I heard about a lady in our town who just had a stillborn baby.  
She was 39 weeks pregnant. 
I really don't have words and all the things I'd like to say sound empty and stupid.

And as my mind wanders to her and my feeble prayers go up on their behalf, my heart is shaky.  The unthinkable happens, is happening, has happened to dear friends and strangers alike.  How does one continue to trust in the midst of the "what could be's?"  That's where my thoughts are now, it's here my heart is do I trust the unknown in the light of the Known?  

Aside from the anticipation of meeting our sweet baby, (which by the way is so great I think I may burst at times), it's the unknown of each day that can and will drag you under if you let it. 

....because You are my help, 
I sing in the shadow of Your wings.
psalm 63:7

Will my husband come home today, safe and sound?  
Will my babies live to see their next birthday?  
Will our house catch on fire? 
Will.......(you fill in the blank for your own).

  There are several close friends and relatives of ours that are SMACK DAB in the middle of the unknown, (we all are to one degree or another I guess), but the unknowns that they are dealing with are literally moment to moment life altering decisions, (that are not theirs to make). 

How do you keep your sanity? 
How do you keep your thoughts "captive" among the parade of questions that march in your mind and beat their drums relentlessly inside your heart, thump, thump, thumping?

Is it possible to be at peace with your unknowns? 
I want that.

On a piece of paper by my beside I have written:
"STAY CLOSE TO ME ON THE PATH OF PEACE."  I had read it a few weeks ago and it resonated with me.  There are very few decisions I can make in this life that give me control, true control, not manipulative mirages of what I'd like to be or who I would like to see change.   

Thoughts and fears, anticipations and ideas all make their way to me, like fiery arrows and sometimes like baby breath whispers.  

They land and try to bury themselves into myself.  
It is then that I MUST MAKE A CHOICE to TRUST the One that I believe HOLDS MY LIFE, holds my babies lives.  And it's not easy, but it is better than flailing about all alone.  At the heart of each of us is a need to be WITH SOMEONE, to not be isolated or alone or abandoned.
My refuge comes on the wings of God.  

I trust that He will cover me. 
Or carry me. 
Or shelter me.
Or teach me to fly. 
Or fight for me.
Or hide me.

...hide me in the shadow of Your wings.
psalm 17:8

I read recently about feathers and the miracle that lies within their structure.  A few key points that stuck out to me:

 "To date, no amount of engineering has created a synthetic insulation as efficient as feathers."

"In all the dives I've watched, I've never seen a feather break in flight.  Wrestling on the ground with prey, sure, but never on the wing."

My soul longs for the place of Insulation.
The Space above the prey. 

...He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings SHALL YOU TRUST and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.
psalm 91:4

some commentary's I read that shed light on these verses and my soul:

"He shall cover thee with his feathers - He shall act towards thee as the hen does to her brood, - take thee under his wings when birds of prey appear, and also shelter thee from chilling blasts. This is a frequent metaphor. He will overshadow thee between his shoulders; alluding to the custom of parents carrying their weak or sick children on their backs, and having them covered even there with a mantle.

His truth shall be thy shield and buckler - His revelation; his Bible. That truth contains promises for all times and circumstances; and these will be invariably fulfilled to him that trusts in the Lord." 

Gill's Exposition of the Entire Bible
"He shall cover thee with his feathers,.... As birds do their young, who cannot cover themselves: this they do from a tender regard to them, whereby they both keep them warm, and protect them from those that would hurt them: this represents the helpless state of the children of God, who are, like to young birds, weak and unable to defend themselves:
the tender regard of God unto them
as the eagle and other birds have to their young; and the warmth and comforts souls have, as well as protection, under his powerful and gracious presence; he comforts them under their tribulations, as well as defends them from their enemies: the word of God also, every promise in it, and doctrine of it, is as a shield and buckler to strengthen, support, and secure the faith of his people, (Proverbs 30:5)."

refuge and TRUST 
in the shelter of Your wings.
psalm 61:4

the darling pictures were taken last week by my talented friend Michelle Walls. She is hoping to print a new line of baby stationery, among other photo prints as well.  here is her beautiful etsy shop. i can't believe the way she captured lovie's room and that black and white silhouette of the two of us.  precious treasured memories. 


CountryMidwife said...

Faith, that's all. None of us is worthy enough to be the lucky one above others. FAITH, and trust in the grand design. There is no other answer, period.

Rachel said...

this was so good Janelle. i heard about someone who just lost a baby on Sunday(could be the same soul, i don't know) and my mind and heart have been heavy with fear since then...and, then this. i literally was awake in the night last night thinking about this post...thankful for it and the truths and promises you pointed out. blessings to you, and so excited for your soon-coming news!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh friend,
I believe it is nearly impossible to muster the strength, grace & peace for those situations, until they cross your path. God will provide, if need be!

I remember while we awaited the birth of Logan and we were unsure of EVERYTHING. I did not know how I would go on if he were to die. And although it was filled with DARK days after his passed, God somehow carried me through and JOY was restored.

If needed, God will provide you with all you need!
In the meantime, try to rest in him & his scriptures and pray!

Also, know I am praying for baby & you!
You have a friend walking alongside of you, whether good or bad, happy or sad!

Anonymous said...

PS - having walked this particular grief.... I want you to know that your words are NOT empty, but they are very compassionate and you show great perspective!

jessi said...

Hi Janelle! I found your blog through Aimee Weaver's. We have a mutual friend, Salena Zook, not sure if you know her. But I just had to comment on this post. Seems like so many of us moms struggle with fear, especially of the unknown, and thoughts of the "what ifs" in relation to our kids and spouses... God has been doing a huge work in my heart starting at the beginning of this year. I am still on a journey to find freedom from fear, but so much of its power over me has been broken. There is so much I could say, but it all boils down to this for me: If what I am fearing/reacting to/having anxiety over is not a reality, but rather a possibility, I shut it out of my mind. Not through my strength, but through the power of Jesus. I felt like God gave me a picture one time of hearing a knock on my door, opening it and finding a man standing outside. The man says "I'm going to come into your house, eat dinner with you, and then kill you." We have the choice to let him in or slam the door. The man represents fear. It was the first time I realized how deadly fear can actually be. One other mini revelation for me was that walking in the knowledge of Christ's love and walking in fear can't go hand in hand. Perfect love casts out fear, so it's one or the other, and I have to choose to know that he loves me, despite what may or may not happen. Sorry for the longest comment in the world, your post just resonated so much with me and I had to share!! Congratulations on your new little one. :)