Easter at Grandpa & Grandma's house

My Easter bunnies, all bright eyed and bushy tailed before church....I love how the sleep is still in their eyes! What a cheese ball grin from Tyler!! My handsome men!

Feeling quite preggo this morning! (37 weeks)

Great memories are made each year at Grandpa and Grandma's house. Especially as the boys get older, it's so special watching them join in the fun with all their cousins! We enjoy an amazing meal together to start the day off right....(thank you to my niece Tessa for all the amazing pics)!and then Grandpa and some of the Daddy's hide all the eggs,
(over 100)!!

The Grandkids getting ready for Grandpa to say "GO!"

Chase and Tyler just ran and ran when he said go, they didn't pick up
a single egg for a minute or two and then realized they should maybe get to work! Luke found two eggs, promptly sat down and ate the contents! Tyler with his best friend Chase.

some of my beautiful nieces, seems like only yesterday THEY were running around
with their little baskets!

Hoping that your Easter was filled with
JOY, FEASTING and CELEBRATION.

"Do not be afraid," the angel said, "for I know that you
seek Jesus Who was crucified.
He is not here; for He is risen, as He said.
Come, see the place where the Lord lay."

4th chapter of "The Well-Loved Soul"

See the past three Wednesdays for the first three chapters.

The Master
"The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the
city. They beat me, they bruised me;
they took away my cloak,
those watchmen of the walls!
(song of songs 5:7)

In order for a slave to change her world, she must first change her master…

The slave begins to ponder the benevolence of her Master. Her head, her intellect, her logic hold firmly to the belief that her God loves her and has a wonderful plan for her life. Yet her life experiences scream a very different truth. And it seems they always have. Her inner voice confirms this truth, relentlessly reminding her of her inadequacies, her shortcomings, her failures. The guilt of never measuring up, of not being good enough, of continually falling short of the expected standard, is as constant and familiar as the air she breathes.

Moreover, if she is to be completely honest she feels remarkable confusion and disillusionment with her life as it now exists. Her closest relationships are not as she dreamed they would be. Often the people around her feel like a weight that she must carefully and diligently bear. At times she sees herself as a puppet, with others tugging and pulling on the strings, controlling the outcomes of her day. Frequently, she feels used, taken advantage of and personally adrift. What really is the purpose of her existence is it simply to serve? To carry out the duties of a mundane and thankless life with a joyful heart? This call has become too much to endure. The requirements are too high, too hard to fulfill. She is broken by her inability to fulfill her duty, and confused by a God who would demand so much and give so little. She is shocked by the conclusion of her realization…a God that gives so little. She gives so much, so much love, so much time, so much care to ensure her responsibilities are met, her family is cared for. Where are the promises of peace, joy, and rest for the weary?

Sanctuary is not to be found, when her mind runs with fearful and anxious thoughts; when guilt lay heavy upon the doorstep of her soul; when sadness leaves her feeling lifeless and bruised and when resentment dominates every waking moment. The betrayal is perplexing. Continually she gives all she has and yet she still dwells in an empty, expressionless, sorrowful soul. All she gives never seems to be enough to silence the voice, to create peace, to secure the rest her soul desperately craves. The absolute brokenness of her own soul is overwhelming to her.

She finds her God to be silent, almost cruel as He demands so much from her and provides so little solace, and such meager comfort for the pain of her soul. She tries to listen to Him, to find words of comfort and encouragement and yet He is silent, distant, removed from her world. In His silence, the voice emerges, reminding her of her duty, her call to deny herself and serve. She hears other familiar voices from her family, her boss, the pulpit of her church reminding her not to be selfish, self-absorbed and faithless. To be selfish is to commit a grave crime. To consider herself, her needs, her desires, her dreams is to be self-seeking and that would be wicked.

She feels deeply discouraged that her faith does not provide the anchor of safety her soul desperately craves. She needs to be held, she needs to hear tender words of kindness and love, of protection and safety. She needs to know that she will be okay. That she is okay. That all that concerns her will be okay. She feels undone by her aloneness. The space around her soul is vacant of a caring voice and tender guidance. Absent of the restful, reassurance of a nurturing, proud father.

She grows perplexed by her feelings of disappointment and loss toward her God. It is almost as though she grieves for a love, an assurance, a safety she has never found.
Who really is this master she is bound to? She feels His disapproval so quickly. His standards are so high, yet not completely clear. What must I do exactly to gain His approval? If He would only tell me I would obey. He really is quite difficult to discern. He seems so demanding, so exacting, so stern, so critical, and so judgmental. The disapproval comes so quickly, yet the safety of His approval…have I ever really felt it? The weight of His perfection drains her very soul. He feels so heavy, as though He is watching me, waiting to accuse me in my failure and weakness.

It is then she realizes she is serving the wrong master…

Crock pot Granola!

A dear friend, (thank you Jena) told me about making granola in the crock pot. I've been making granola for years, but always used the oven and found that keeping such a close eye on it got to be annoying. This is the recipe I've always used, just in a crock pot instead! It smells SO GOOD ALL DAY LONG and makes you want to eat some every time you go to stir it. It does take longer, but if you're home all day anyway, it's something nice to have going.

I will share the recipe in double batch form because if you make a single batch it will literally be gone in one day and then you will be sad.....so, just double it from the beginning!

8 cups old fashioned oats
3 cups sliced almonds, (I use sunflower seeds, flax seed, pumpkin seeds, any kind of seed if you don't have almonds....plus, sliced almonds can be alot of $).

1 cup packed light brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 cup cooking oil
1/2 cup honey, (I use pancake syrup if I'm out of honey)
2 tsp. vanilla
3 cups raisins or dried cranberries

Coat crock pot lightly w/ non-stick spray.

Pour dry ingredients into crock pot and stir.

In a saucepan warm the oil, honey and vanilla.

Pour over dry ingredients.

Keep crock pot on low for 4-5 hours, stir every 20-30 minutes, (or whenever you pass by, that's the way I gauge it). LEAVE LID CRACKED OPEN W/ THE WOODEN SPOON YOU USE TO STIR IT or it will get too moist. After it cools, add the raisins. You can also freeze this for up to 3 months. Eat and feed it to your children over yogurt, with milk, over ice cream or in a plastic baggie as a snack. ENJOY!

Growing up so fast!

Early this morning Luke came over to our bed. This isn't rare, usually one or the other will make their way to our bed, have a short cuddle time, and then we carry them or ask them to go back to their bed. It's a sweet time for all of us. It's usually sometime after 1 am, I loose track of time. This morning I wasn't so eager to send Luke back to his bed, I just laid there in the darkness remembering so vividly his first months with us, the nighttime feedings, the hours spend gazing at him in awe of his beauty and perfection, the little noises that newborns make as they fall asleep.....and then I realized he's not my baby anymore....he's getting so big, seeming so grown up all of the sudden.

Luke, 1 day old.

Luke age 2 months. Same goes for Tyler, our almost 4 year old! Somehow he was born and then we slept a few times and now he's 4!

Tyler-16 months old.

Having those little moments with Luke help me recollect how fast time does go. Although it's not always easy, I must embrace the NOW. I was reading over some of my old journal entries the other day and came upon a few sentences. "I was in the grocery store today and an older lady came up to me and said, 'my, how I miss those days as a young Mother.' At first I wanted to laugh, but the more I thought about what she said, the more I realized that our kids grow and we tend to stay the same, left behind wondering...where did all those years go?"

Speaking of time going by quickly, my nephew Bennett is almost 6 months old already! What?? He was JUST born and I'm not kidding!

He's such a jolly fellow....just goes with the flow and doesn't make much of a fuss unless he needs something, but even those time seem few and far between with all his little "Mothers", (he has 4 older sisters) surrounding him. He's a joy to watch grow....soon he'll be running full force into the day! We're so glad you were born Bennett!

"I knew when I met you an adventure was going to happen."
~ A.A. Milne~

Early Mother's Day gift

Hello Friends!! My honey came home with a truckload of furniture last week; nasty, old, smelly furniture with brass handles and a gleam in his eye. "What is THAT?", I questioned? "I got it for free, I'd like to redo it for our bedroom, an early Mother's day gift!" Eyebrows up!! Let me begin by saying we never had a bedroom suite. Our first apartment was entirely too small, (our bed barely fit in the room), so we never bought/registered for one. When we moved here we just used odds and ends and I was happy with the eclectic look. I know when my husband sees vision, watch out because it will be: 1.) done quickly, 2.) be perfect and 3.) be way more beautiful then I could have ever imagined. So, I resigned myself to the fact that this furniture would have his undivided attention for a week...and so it was! It arrived on a Monday night and this past Saturday afternoon was moved in, (with the help of our brother-in-law Marlin....50 never looked so good, barely a sweat broke out)!! I just LOVE it, I hardly want to close my eyes at night and in the morning, when the sun shines through the windows it's the first thing I look at and just smile. On Saturday morning he asked me to come distress it. I used heavy duty sandpaper and it worked wonderfully....just a touch of old world around the corners. The dark wood came through right away and added so much. Here's a picture of the room BEFORE. I found that chest of drawers in someones trash pile along the road, touched it up a bit and it was ours! Other then that we didn't have any drawers, just his/hers closets.

Here's the view when you walk in now.

I hardly know what to do with all the drawer space I have. The adorable vintage bassinet you see to the right came from craigslist last week.

It was JUST what I've been waiting for.....wooden base with a wicker crib. It was in excellent shape and has been freshly laundered....ready and waiting!

I think the headboard is my favorite. I never knew how nice a headboard is.
We always just leaned against a wall.

It really feels like a beach retreat, so refreshing and soothing, a place of peace and refuge.

We enjoyed our Sunday at home...just being together, resting. A sort of calm before Baby arrives....a time to SLEEP and spend some quality time with the boys. I made my honey breakfast in bed, a much deserved reward...although had he done nothing
I still would have served him....rarely, if ever is he in bed after I get up so I took the opportunity.

Where time has been slipping I cannot say! Just tonight I realized that our baby is due in 3 weeks, I thought I had 4!!! I just don't FEEL ready yet, I have a list of things I'd like to organize before he/she arrives, but I'm not sure they will all get that lovely red check marked placed beside them....and I'll have to be okay with that. I don't think I FEEL emotionally ready either, it's just sneaking up on me so quickly!!! Where have these MONTHS gone? Now we're down to weeks, and only a few at that! I keep reminding myself that THE GRACE I NEED isn't here yet, it will fall on me, envelop me and sometimes come in a way I don't quite recognize when Baby arrives....this I KNOW and have experienced twice before and TRUST it will happen again.

"Yet the duties God requires of us are not in proportion to the strength we possess in ourselves. Rather, they are proportional to the resources available to us in Christ. We do not have the ability in ourselves to accomplish the least of God’s tasks. This is a law of grace. When we recognize it is impossible to perform a duty in our own strength, we will discover the secret of its accomplishment. But alas, this is a secret we often fail to discover."
~John Owen~

Discovering God's grace for TODAY!

3rd chapter of "The Well-Loved Soul"

See previous Wednesdays posts for chapters 1 and 2.

The Slave
"…my own vineyard I have neglected."
(song of songs 1:6)

The journey of slavery is hard, thankless, demeaning, undignified and quite shameful. After all a slave has no voice of her own. She exists to fulfill the needs of others. Her thoughts, her feelings, her wellness matters not. Others expect her unflinching service and obedience. The severe demands of slavery has taught her to ignore herself. She has come to learn that she can perform at all costs even when she is sick, anxious, overwhelmed, apprehensive, desperate, empty, abused or angry. The show must go on. How she is treated or how she feels matters not. After all, a slave’s value is found exclusively in her ability to perform. If she can not perform and maintain her usefulness, her very existence is in question.

Her survival depends on not disappointing those around her lest they discover she is not who she appears to be; strong, flawless, unflinching, selfless. She can not express needs of any type, less she becomes a bother. A slave can not place demands on others, after all she is worthless. Not even of sufficient significance to merit the basic rights of free women.

The delight of choice, discovery, self-expression, freedom, fulfillment they are only a heavy mist that intermittently disturbs her reality. Far more distressing to the devoted slave, is the unsettling realization that in the secret places of her heart she has discovered that she is not as good as she pretends to be. She holds secret dreams of escape, longing for carefree days, longing to be loved, protected, held, free. Surely she reasons this must be a devout longing for my eternal home. Yet she is still troubled, because accompanying those hidden desires are disquieting emotions. At times she feels sad, deeply sad not even caring whether she lives or dies. Other times she is enraged, irritated, bitter, and resentful at the very people she is called to serve. Where is the love and grace of God to aid me in my service? The promised peace and joy are relatively nonexistent. At times she finds herself pleading with God, begging for circumstances to change, for rescue to come. At other times she is resigned and stoic, even accepting of her slavery. But what alarms her most is the times when she feels furious, betrayed by the God she serves. How could He allow her life to be so dreary, so desperate, and so painful? The desperate state of her soul conflicts with her faith, with her slavery, with the promises of God. Her situation is yet made worse, by the knowledge that she must hide the darkness that dwells is her soul. The dreadful turmoil is hers alone to bear. To express the chaos is to betray her faith, her role, her understanding of her benevolent God. But concealing the ugliness exacts its own price. She finds herself becoming increasingly distanced in her relationships. Honesty, truth, vulnerability, the staples of satisfying friendships is beyond her grasp. She is hiding within herself , and continually erasing glimmers of who she really is. Slowly her soul is disappearing

Somehow she must fight back, she must make sense of this insanity. Though she appears to live without want or need, her internal soul is screaming for release. She has been violently thrown into a crisis of the soul. Somehow she has managed to pick herself up from this disillusionment in the past, but this is stronger, more forceful. It demands a change. She senses her very life depends on it. She is perplexed, how can a slave change her world?

2nd chapter of "The Well-Loved Soul"

Here is the 2nd installment of "The Well-Loved Soul." Each Wednesday for the next month will be a new chapter.

The Voice
"All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find Him."
(song of songs 3:1)

He walks near her, yet she does not notice. He calls her name over and over again, but she can not hear. The harsh, inner voice is too loud. It shuts out all His tender words, His passionate pleas for her to come home to him. To find a safe space, a place of gentleness and warmth for her soul. A soft place to land, to discover sanctuary and begin the journey of restoration.

Today the voice has pinned her soul to the ground. She has failed to live up to the “now-your-enough standard”. The torment of the familiar curses begins, “I am simply not enough. Not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not kind enough, not thin enough, not competent enough, not hard-working enough and not spiritual enough. I should be so much better than I am.” And yet she wonders why she is so exhausted. Not recognizing the cost she is exacting upon her soul by daily waging a war of worth. She tries hard to be all she needs to be, for all the people in her life. It seems that everyone holds a hoop that she must try and jump through. She can hardly bear the disappointment when she fails to meet their expectations. The cost of failure is too high. She needs their approval, she needs their love, as it her only means of silencing the voice.

She had accepted the accusations of the voice and its standards so completely that she can no longer separate it from her own. Frequently she finds herself joining the voice in a litany of self-punishment. Sometimes she attempts to fight the voice, but the voice is strong, clever and devious. In the end it always wins because in her heart she has resigned herself to the belief that the voice speaks the truth. It is simple reflecting the “truth” of who she really is. And the “truth” of what is expected from her.

The voice is well entrenched, it draws its life from a thick, murky pool comprised of a lifetime of disillusioning experiences. Experiences that have taught her she is without value, without beauty and therefore not worthy of the honor of love and celebration. Her soul bears witness to cruel words and heartless actions. She has known what it is to be overlooked and ignored. She has felt the sting of being used and then casually tossed aside. She has fully absorbed the knowledge of her own insignificance and worthlessness.

Ironically, the voice assures its victories by drawing on her precious faith. The voice reminds her that she exists to serve, to suffer, and to die to herself. After all is she not a slave of Christ? Perhaps the voice is actually the Holy Spirit convicting her of her sin and guilt. The voice passes judgment upon her based upon standards that she is miserably failing. She is in agreement with the voice and wears her shame and guilt like a heavy, oppressive garment. It feels like just punishment for one who has failed. It feels like appropriate humility in light of her perpetual failure.

It feels like she is being a humble, good Christian. Yet she wonders…

35 weeks

WOW! What happened to the last 8 months? Time is just FLYING BY!! Soon this little one will join us on the outside! I've been getting things prepared on the home front. Found a great vintage bassinet on craigslist, just what I was looking for. I've laundered all the little newborn girl and boy clothing I have. I purchased the tiny diapers, always amazes how little our butts start out!! Baby doesn't have much room to move anymore, she/he is over 18 inches long and weighs about 5 pounds, (pick up a honeydew melon)!! Because it's so snug in there the movement has lessened, but it's still pretty scheduled which is fascinating to me. She seems to have a favorite position, which my midwife did mention most babies have, even while inside the womb. Last night Baby had hiccups most of the night which was cute at first and then slightly annoying as I tried to fall asleep with a constant knocking on my belly. Jake reached his hand over and felt it for a few minutes as well. Most of Baby's physical development is now complete — we'll both just spend the next few weeks putting on weight! I'm feeling really good and sooooo grateful to be saying so. Last month was rough with all the sickness throughout our home. I can handle being pregnant and a busy Mom just fine, it's the being sick on top of it all....that's hard living. I will say that my compassion and awareness toward those that are chronically ill has really increased. I cannot imagine being sick everyday and still having to keep on living....and trying to do it with grace, patience, kindness and stamina!!

We took a few family pictures at church on Sunday. The boys looked so cute in their little outfits and my husband looked quite handsome as well!! And I actually DID something to my hair as opposed to the regular brush and go! Tyler talks often about how I will "puuuuush and the baby will POP out",
yes, okay, sounds good to me!

I had a dream last night that the baby was born on May 9th, my due date is the 2nd,
so we'll see what happens. And for all of you who don't believe me, (Kara & Shar!!)
we seriously DON'T know what we're having! It's so exciting waiting for this surprise. I get happy thoughts thinking about having a boy OR a girl! I am so grateful to have this little one inside me, active, growing and healthy as of now. I know that there are so many women, (some even reading now) that have had or are having very difficult pregnancies, some who are mourning the death of a baby, a dream, some who are holding out hope, some who are longing, praying that all will go well with the remainder of their pregnancy and some who are adjusting to life with a newborn on the outside or the fact that they have a baby growing inside!

Today I am grateful to be where I am and yet trusting that the same God Who has been my Shield and Refuge will be with me, beside me wherever this life & journey may lead.

"There is no great achievement
that is not the result of patient working and waiting."
~J.G. Holland~

Ice Cream Date

A few weeks ago Tyler and I had a date. We went to his favorite store, "Thomas' Trackside Station" and he picked out a train then we went to our, (my) favorite ice cream shop. We had lunch and an ice cream cone. It was such a special time, just the two of us. It's really nice to be with just one of the boys at a time, it gives me the opportunity to really get to know their personalities better and I know it makes them feel special as well. I also think about how nice it must be to have their own space when they are together day/night all the time.Such Pure Delight! I love you forever and ever Tyler.

1st chapter of "The Well-Loved Soul"

A few years ago my sister gave me this portion of a book her friend was writing. I haven't heard if it's been published or if more has been written, but what she already wrote has stayed near to me and I read it often. I wanted to share it with you so I'm starting a little weekly Wednesday installment of "The Well-Loved Soul." It shouldn't take more then a month or so to have it all posted. You may want to take the time to copy/paste/print it so the TRUTH of it can be absorbed.....may you find a quiet moment in your day and be restored.

The Well-Loved Soul
"He restores my soul."
(Psalm 23:3)

A well-loved soul. Not a nice soul, not a perfect soul, but a whole soul. A well-loved soul that laughs deeply, rests richly, loves generously, and accepts wholly who she is and who she is not. Courageously, she has made peace with herself, all of herself…her past, her present, her sins, her regrets, her personality, her body, her face, her life. She lives in the evolving wonder of becoming a soul of breathtaking beauty.

Her soul is well-loved. She brings into her relationships a celebration of who she is. She does not merely tolerate her creation, she adores it. With devote diligence she has sought a pure heart above all else. Her very soul, she has laid upon the Father’s alter, for Him to reveal the beauty He saw before time began. In their covenant relationship, in His arms, she has learned to love herself, to forgive herself, to grasp her value.

Her self-understanding is deep, rich and lively. With sacred assurance she has come to honor the vulnerabilities and needs of her soul. Her deep yearnings for peace, creativity, kindred friendships, fun, satisfying work, and the safety of being deeply connected to a presence and purpose higher than herself. She has acknowledged the many pieces that comprise her very being, and has been graciously lead by the Holy Spirit towards a quest of magnificent restoration.

She has discovered that a whole, well-loved soul is a precious gift of her faith. Her Father does not wish to use her soul and run her dry, but to restore her very essence that she may fully reflect the splendor of being adored by her Father. His promises of restoration, life abundant and springs of living water are designed exclusively for the rebuilding of eternal souls. She will become a cherished witness, an ambassador of the intimate goodness of His glorious resurrection power. The purity of His intentions has won her heart and her trust.

He has easily and naturally become the great love of her life. Daily she considers how to honor her great love. Longing for the moment of their first embrace, when she can look into His eyes and share the knowing that passes between two, who have shared the deepest of journeys together.

Only He really understands all that her life has passed through. Only He really beholds the depth of the wrongs done to her, the foolishness of her own choices, and the despair of her hardships. He cares for the things that trouble her, and always provides the path through even the darkest of troubles. He has taught her to care, nurture and tend to her soul, that she may create a home of beauty for Him.

He delights in watching her grow straight and strong, true and proud. She is becoming increasingly sensitive to His voice, His movement. She can sense Him now, when He is near, when He is walking in the rooms of her house, or joining her as she walks by the river. He is proud of her, proud of all she has done to be like Him. With great courage she has faced the brokenness of her being, and chosen not to avoid it, run from it, minimize it, medicate it, or cover it with good works. She has chosen not to pretend that peace exists where there is war, and fullness exists where there is barrenness. She has chosen to bring her very self and lay it into the tender arms of her father, believing that He will do as he has promised and restore her soul.

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY SWEET LUKE!

Our sweet Luke turns 2 years old today! Seriously it feels like I could still be pregnant with him, I have NO IDEA where the last 2 years have gone! Time really is going faster with each new life that joins our family! I wrote about Luke's amazing birth last year, so if you'd like the whole story of his accidental unassisted birth you can read about it here! I can say for sure that with this pregnancy, come my first contractions, I'll be calling the midwife RIGHT away, (Maribeth, can we set up a direct line)!!??

As I read the description I gave last year about Luke's personality I just had to chuckle because not much has changed....the foundation of his person was solid even a year ago, it's just a little stronger and higher now. It seems to me that he will be very consistent in who he is for much of his life, (just like his amazing Daddy). The personalities of children are so fascinating to me, especially when they're my own.

Luke brings such JOY to me....to all of us, (well, except when he teases Tyler and they fight/scream)!! He doesn't show much emotion for most things, but he is watching it all and taking it all in. He says very little, but when he wants something he will make it known in one way or another. I've been a little concerned about his speech, (or lack thereof) because by age 2 Tyler was talking A LOT. I shared my concern with some of my "Mother Friends" and for the most part the consensus is that it's just WHO he is. He just will be a man of few words, starting even now. I think I will have an evaluation done just to have some more insight in guiding him, and yet, instinctively I do agree with what my friends/family have said.

Lukie, (as he fondly called by most people in his life) can be quite the little clown, as pictured above! He loves to play with the little baby doll that is around here. He will prop it on the pillow, cover it just so, bring it books and "feed" it with the little spoon. I think he will be the nurturing one when our new baby arrives. I'm getting really excited for the boys to meet their new brother or sister.

Thank you God for giving us Luke, only a small part of the inheritance You have for us. He is from You, truly a gift sent from above. Luke, YOU are loved, may you ALWAYS know that deep, deep down inside.

"Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something.
It's our goal in life to find it and to keep it lit."
~Mary Lou Retton~

*"Happy Birthday" by Innocence Mission