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Saturday, March 21, 2009

what could have been

This day, 2 days before Luke was born will always be remembered and recognized by me. We were just about to have our 2nd son, had just moved into our new home and were busy getting things settled before my due date. Tyler was 21 months old. It was a sunny afternoon, around 5. The front door was unlocked and the beautiful, warm evening sun was streaming in. I heard my husband come in the door and knew Tyler went downstairs to greet him. I yelled down the stairs, "I don't have him up here." Little did I know that he thought I said, "I have him up here." So, no one was keeping an eye on him. The next thing I remember is hearing my husband yell his name and the door bang open. I knew instinctively what was happening. I practically fell down the stairs with my pregnant self and as I rounded the corner I saw Tyler across the street, stocking footed, just playing in the mulch, his Daddy just arriving to swoop him into his arms! My heart dropped as I ran out to them. I held my son and just cried and cried....with deep moans of relief, guilt and the realization of what could have been. We live along a very busy road, with most traffic coming through around 5-6 pm. No one stopped so there was obviously a lull in traffic over those moments in time.
I didn't get much sleep that night. I just lay there thinking of how this could have been our reality. A funeral for my one son just days before our second son was born. It happens. We aren't immune from things like that. I just couldn't shake the emotions of it all. Finally my husband helped me see that there was gratefulness to be found in this situation, a time for thanksgiving & rejoicing, not mourning. After a while of searching for it, it was found. So, today, two days before Luke's birthday I am again reminded of those moments and the sovereignty of our God. I don't claim to understand much of why things happen the way they do or where God is in all of it. I just know that had our Tyler been killed that day there would have been enough of what we needed to get through it. I don't know how I know that, I just believe it. Looking back, I am so grateful for that opening in the veil of eternity, a moment to really look at what matters and HOLD ON TIGHT TO IT! I don't know how long I'll have my boys, but my prayer is that I truly enjoy them each day they are here on earth.
taken the night before Luke was born.

Needless to say, within the next few months my handy husband built a fence lining the road and our property, with a gate to block the driveway. The incentive was strong as he worked long weekends and into the night constructing the fence one post at a time.

"To not think of dying, is to not think of living."
~ Jann Arden~

"Normally we do not like to think about death. We would rather think about life. Why reflect on death? When you start preparing for death you soon realize that you must look into your life ... now ... and come to face the truth of your self.
Death is like a mirror in which the true meaning of life is reflected."
~ Sogyal Rinpoche~


Just a little something from Judy said...

Always...every single time...visiting your blog is a calm, relaxing and enjoyable experience. I LOVE your new header picture and I always appreciate your perspective on life. Thank you!

Kel said...

Janelle, you made me get a big old lump in my throat. I remember you telling me that story and feeling so helpless. Anyway PTL!!! So, lets get together. Love Love.

Jeane` said... much to say, but i am not sure how to say it (and i'm a bit on the sleepy side to boot!). What a tremendous part of your 'history'...i can't imagine the fear and the relief and all the other conflicting emotions that went with it. I did not realize that happened so close to Luke's birth. Which, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUKE!!!! I hope you have fun celebrating, and at least for today, feel a little 'lighter' (physically speaking) so you can join in on all the fun.

Love you!