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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Crickets in my heart

It's 1:30am, I should be sleeping. Not sure what woke me this early morning, but I can't fall back to sleep, so I'm writing. The moon is shining down through our open window casting a soft glow on my husband.  My man who works so hard on our behalf. His callosed hands from Summertime block lifting being restored as he sleeps, to do it all again tomorrow.  Because of love. 

Paisley's crying so I went and offered her a drink of water. "You want a drink?"I ask, she shakes her mopped head of hair.  "You want me to hold you a little?" "Se", (yes).  She quickly fell asleep again and I sat in her softly lit room, her head against my heart, just listening to the crickets outside.  It feels like there are crickets in my heart this morning.  Just a constant, steady pulse of thoughts and feelings.  Not a bad thing, just thoughts that seem to be sinking lower then usual.  It's almost the end of Summer so they say and I'm pretty sure that's where the thoughts began.  The Summer of 2011, when my precious kiddos were 6, 4 and 2, it's almost over.  It's so bittersweet to me.  What did we do this Summer?  Where did it go?  

The cool Autumn air is moving in, the clouds looked like Fall today.  I feel it right now, my barefeet cold against the kitchen floor. Time for fuzzy slippers again.
Tyler starts school on August 29th.  Not this next Monday, but the following.  That's a cricket in my heart if there ever was one.  I'll share more in another post about our decision to not homeschool him again this year.  For now, it's just something that is heavy on my heart.  This new and exciting season for him and this new and letting go season for me.  I laid sleeping Paisley in her crib again closing the door behind me. 

Sitting at the foot of Tyler's creaky bed I just stared at him.  His tall body taking over that twin bed right before my very eyes.  His head full of sunshine bleached blond hair resting on his favorite sesame street pillowcase.  His Thomas pillow lying on the floor with his 123 book on top.  He's been reading a lot lately, (making stuff up along the way).  His "collection" of.....well, his collection.  And I can't believe how worked up I get over their little mess of a room, (it's not even that bad).  I probably need help to stop being so concerned about messes.  What's the big deal anyway?  It just feels like so much innocence before me, because it is.  And it's overwhelming sometimes.  That we're in charge of that, GIVEN charge over that.  Over his life, their life. 

Luke is sleeping peacefully covered in his "refreshing blanket", (a very, very lightweight quilt that seems perpetually cool to the touch).  His guitar pillowcase safely tucked under his inquisitive mind.  His dearly loved puppy under his arm, choked with love.  Can't believe that things head hasn't fallen off yet, he's had it since birth.  I've never seen a child move so much in his sleep, (that's why we hardly ever have him in our bed, our squirm-worm).  I think of the precious card he made for his Paige. He composed it himself and ask me how to spell each word, meticulously writing each letter to perfection to the best of his ability. "Paige, I will miss you at college. Luke."  He added some hearts in there and his favorite number, 100. I could have cried, probably did.
Here's a picture Paige took upon receiving it in the mail. xoxo
Thursday we go to Dutch Wonderland, our yearly tradition.  Monday we leave for one week, our last vacation before school starts.  We'll sop up the rest of Summer in OCNJ, (Ocean City, New Jersey).  My cricket heart can't wait.  There's just something grounding about being near the ocean. 

Sweet picture created by Miss Kaelin, our babysitter and friend. xoxo.


Anonymous said...

This Mama still gets crickets in her heart...still!! Why?...I'm not sure..they love it..we love it...but I just love having them near me..plain and simple!!


consume me... said...

I still sigh when I think through these same things with my half-grown kids. It never gets easier to remove our hands {grip} off of them. I think we were made that way because someone has to be constantly praying, constantly cheering, constantly watching. There's a balance to be learned...but for sure, He had mothers in mind when he thought up children. He knew they'd need us...knew we'd always have a mind's eye on them, even when they're shifting and growing away. It's why He gives all things at all times...otherwise we'd get all swallowed up in the overwhelming knowledge that they are young for but a breath.
Keep on, my friend...breathe this moment in deeply...eyes wide open.

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Jena said...

hey lady- have fun at the beach next week- we are going for the day on Wednesday, but probably to delaware.... miss you!
ps- this song makes me tear up!