Tomorrow morning I send my baby off to school. My first child's first day of Kindergarten, (ironically it's my oldest sister who is sending her LAST child off to her first day of her SENIOR year)! The circle of life!
Oh, be still my heart! I'm SO EXCITED FOR HIM. We met his sweet teacher last week and saw his classroom, his eyes just lit up when he entered the room. Upon seeing his teacher for the first time he said, "Hiiii Mrs. Ditzleeer" in the sweetest, kindest, high-pitched voice you ever did hear! (he even drug out his words as written above). "I got this map for you from Dutch Wonderland and here's some meadow tea, it's from my house." He handed her a mason jar full of cold meadow tea and his little tattered map, so delighted with himself! He took a tour of his room and colored a picture, talking with his teacher almost the entire time.
For the past month he has been coming to me each day with a first-day-of-school countdown. He has his own calender on which he crosses out each day, (when he wakes up~~before the day has even begun)! :) And so, each morning he announces with glee how many days until he goes to school. "Only one more day 'til school Mom, I'm getting so tall like you, I'm going to miss you Mom and when I come home you will ask me, 'how was school today Tyler?'"
I have such a peace about not homeschooling him this year, although coming to that decision was not an easy one for me. A lot of internal wrestling. Feeling like a failure. Perhaps I didn't give it my all, if I would have tried harder then it would have worked, gone smoothly, blossomed.
Is something wrong with me? Am I too selfish to even try? These and many, many more questions......a journey working through this was mine this past Summer. Jake really left it up to me, this decision. He understood that it was I who would be taking on the extra workload and he was fully supportive in whatever choice I made. I so appreciate that about him. And he was gentle with me, firm too. He saw the stress I carried in trying to do it all. He saw that there were more days of me not enjoying it, then enjoying it. He didn't like the way things were going around here.And neither did I.
Don't get me wrong, we had a wonderful year together and I do not regret it one bit. We lived and learned together, so much quality time, we went on lots of field trips, lots of reading and writing and watching Tyler learn before me was exhilarating. Yet it still wasn't working as a whole.
Maybe my priorities are out of line. It's my child's EDUCATION so I should TRY HARDER to do it all. And quite frankly, I WANT to do it all and do it perfectly too. And that's the problem. I see others around me supposedly doing it well, almost effortlessly. But that's not the truth, it's not my priorities that are out of line, it's my PERCEPTION that's out of line. And I am NOT saying that if you homeschool that you are trying to do it all. It is a decision that you have come to for your home and it is working for you. And I am happy for you, I celebrate your life and it's ebb and flow. May this year be more flow then ebb, wherever you choose to educate your children.
There are sacrifices made within homeschooling homes that I know nothing of. Actually, some of my best friends homeschool their children and I DO KNOW just a bit of what they face, they tell me. The sweet times, the challenges, trials, victories, joys and confirmations. And yet, even in talking with them, I still do not fully understand. Can we ever understand someone elses life without living it? The high regard I have for my homeschooling friends is beyond words.
One of my deepest desires is to excel at all I try, at all I put my hand to. And that's not a bad thing, it's when trying to succeed at something comes at the cost of those around me, that's when it crosses over into something unhealthy. Something selfish even. Self-serving and done in my own strength.
Excellence gone bad.
And that's fine.
I don't have any clear cut answers, no ABC's as to why it didn't work out with homeschooling him. I just knew it wasn't working for us, within our home and hearts. Not to say it never will, I am open to homeschooling Luke and Paisley or even Tyler at a different stage. I guess the bottom line is this:
And that's fine.
it is o-k.
it's not failure.
Dare I say it might actually be success?
Realizing this and living it out for yourself?
And so, tomorrow morning I send my baby off to school. My first child's first day of Kindergarten.
"Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations."
p.s. my apologies to all who may be crying because of the first song, "Hourglass" by Mindy Gledhill. It's a tear-jerker or maybe it was just me. xoxo.