i want to bake a cake and have a baby.

call me crazy, but i get so excited when i think about going into labor.  just the entire birthing process is such an amazing miracle to be apart of, to watch unfold within yourself. to experience the powerful, beautiful and sometimes frightening transition of bringing a baby into the world.  makes me feel so warm and cozy when i think about it, when i remember our past three home births, and i'm not saying it wasn't painful....it was....my rose colored glasses aren't that shaded!!!  


tonight is a chilly, blustery night.
the wind is howling and the fire is roaring and i'm awake with heartburn and project ideas, (have to stop "pinning" and eating so late). 


But my mind is seeing fireflies and feeling the thick, cool grass under my feet.  Lovie is due the end of june so if all goes as planned, (and i recognize that it may not).
i can walk around outside, (hopefully under the guise of night) and work through the contractions.  that's my desire, but we trust our life and this life into a Greater Hand.  
"In his heart a man plans his course, 
but the LORD/Yahweh/Jehovah, 
determines his steps."  
proverbs 16:9
we pray for LIFE, however he or she arrives.  sometimes i think i'm crazy when i re-read some of the sentences typed out, but they are truth to me.  

a friend of mine sent me the video posted below a few weeks ago.  it was the start of my "nursery renovation inspiration."  dear man that i love, he's so gracious with me, (even though he would prefer keeping everything the same.....forever)!  he never quite knows what he'll come home to.  currently 3 out of our 3 bedrooms are being rearranged or redesigned in one degree or another!  never underestimate the need of a mother to get her nest in order.  it's just about out of hand, (losing sleep over my spinning ideas)!   it's still a ways off, (23 weeks along), but i know how fast the spring and summer months go and how we love being OUTSIDE so i'm working extra hard, (while the strength, energy and not-too-large-belly are at hand).  

ordered the paint for the nursery and to repaint the crib, just MAKING MYSELF FINISH THE OTHER ROOMS before starting ANOTHER project!  

Here's the video I was talking about, (AND I'M SORRY IF ANY GRAPHIC IMAGES POP UP AFTER THE VIDEO IS OVER....i wasn't sure how to post this OUTSIDE of youtube, but i'm pretty sure i cleared anything from popping up.....but just warning you)!  The video itself is ALL TASTEFULLY PHOTOGRAPHED so no worries there.  Things I love about this video:


{the music choices}.
{the kind-faced husband}.
{the nursery}.freeze-frame 1:03.....LOVES it!
{the kiddie pool}.
{the midwives who are seemingly completely unmoved by her labor}.
{the baking of the cake}.
{the moment they find out it's a girl}. freeze frame 5:09
{wrinkly baby}.
{sister's first meeting}.
{the eating of the cake}.
{the peace}. 
   

So, with all that being said......I seriously want to bake a cake when I'm in labor, (you'll understand if you choose to watch the video)!  

Better head to bed now and rest this body and mind. Hope you have a refreshing weekend.  

{and a special shout-out to my friend Jeane' and her husband Curt enjoying their much anticipated anniversary "vacation"}!!

"Poor, dear, silly Spring, 

preparing her annual surprise!"

  ~Wallace Stevens~

happy valentine's day

"everybody's got a hungry heart."

~bruce springteen~

i hope your heart is fed today, if not with love here below, with the Love that comes from above and fills every crevice of your soul. the Love that never lets go, never gives up and will pursue you until the day you die.....and even after. ♥

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests
between His shoulders."

Deut. 33:12

Color Changes Everything!

Lovin' the new Target commercials about color! 

Speaking of color. Oh, oh, I'm getting so excited about redecorating Paisley's nursery in preparation for Lovie's arrival.  It's kinda bittersweet because I've loved her darling room for these past 2 1/2 years.  Some of "her" things will move with her into the boys room, to her new little corner of the earth.  Man, this nursery has had so many precious memories, (this link is what it looked like before Paisley was born....we didn't know if she was going to be a boy or girl).    

Last month we moved the boys from their twin beds into a queen bed.  Their room has had many transformations over the years to fit their needs.  They were so excited about getting a "huge" bed.  And for the most part it's going well.  They giggle some nights and keep each other awake, but other then that it's working.  We will move Paisley's toddler bed into the one corner and make it cozy just for her.  I love to improvise with what we've got, so these next few months will give me all the improvising I can handle!  

Here are some of the pictures and the website that started my inspiration for Lovie's new space:  

on the short list:

*paint the walls robin's egg blue, only below the chair rail.

*paint the crib yellow. 

*make cross stitch fabric thingys.

*organize Paisley's clothing to make enough room for Lovie's clothing! 

Lovie is moving and kicking so much lately and we're so in love. 

I say "we" but I know it's a different connection for Jake then it is for me.  From what I've heard and experienced, that's normally the case for most men, their "bonding" reaches new levels when they see and hold their babies.  My Mother's heart is smitten deeply already.  Came upon this picture and it fills me up.....

I expectantly wait to be able to do this with Lovie. xoxo

This pregnancy has inspired me and changed me unlike my other sweet babies.  Out of our loss has come a deeper appreciation for the beauty and sacredness of new life.  I still think about our babies that we'll never know.  They never got to cross the threshold of life on earth outside my womb.  And yet, if they had lived, Lovie would not be growing inside me right now!  I will never understand the complexities of life and death, can any of us?

Gratitude floods my mind and seeps down into my heart and soul.  We have many around us, close friends, that long to have babies and for whatever reason, they are left to wonder, question and grieve month after month after month.  It's so painful to watch them experience this and I often don't know how to handle it.  And my thoughts toward them and intercession for them is mixed with guilt and salty tears because of our Lovie.  This new life that has been given, the life we trust will continue to be given.  Yet, their journey is not ours.  Their valley of death looks differently then ours does. 

They will be comforted.

Isaiah 54:10

10 years ago today

photo credit: angela stoltzfus.
2002.

Today. One decade ago. 

 He picked me and our lives changed forever. 

I pray it's only the beginning.

"We are gonna build a life together

You and I forever and ever

And we'll, we'll make babies on the beach under the stardust, (probably never will do this, but it sounds kinda nice....and sandy)!

And I'll hear your voice come through the door A thousand times, maybe more

And I'll smile inside to know you're mine

Completely

Do you know how lovely you are?

In the starlight, in the 
starlight of my heart

Do you know how lovely you are?

In the moonlight, in the moonlight of my heart

And I'll wind up every day

Thinking about the way you make me feel When your lips touch my lips And I'd crawl inside a cave Or live somewhere strange As long as I'm with you

I have got what I need."

~Angus and Julia Stone~