Related Posts with Thumbnails

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Today I, along with many others, remember the unbelievably short life that Logan Stoltzfus lived. He is the first born son to my dear friend Kara. He was born on October 18th, 2005 and died shortly after birth....he was perfect, although his lungs were not strong enough to support his life. Isn't he beautiful? They have never been the same and yet they have courageously continued living. What did not break them brought them closer together. I can say that I have watched in amazement at the unity that has taken place between she and her husband over the past four years.
I remember the morning well, receiving the phone call and collapsing to my knees, an instinctual reaction when crises hits. My heart couldn't handle what my mind was telling me. I barely slept for days as I called my family and friends with my raw, grieving voice and my broken heart. How will we get through this? How will I help my friend from drowning in these unknown waters? It was a storm, an unexpected, fast and furious storm. I'm sure there are many reading this now that understand what that looks and feels like.

Seven days after he was born, he was buried. This is what I wrote in my journal the night after his funeral. As I read it again today, I feel it just the same, possibly even deeper:

"Tonight I touched heaven....what courage I sensed in Clark and Kara this evening. Grace was thick in the air. I was surprised at how well she was doing. I was almost sick with nerves as we approached her parents place. I didn't know what she would be/act like during the funeral. She was so composed, elegant, graceful ~ a Mother. I knelt at his tiny white casket and touched his cold skin, his perfect face and long fingers. He just looked like he was sleeping, peacefully sleeping. He little mouth was open like a baby robin....waiting to be fed. But no earthly food will stain those lips, only the spirit food of heaven! How wonderful! How delicious!.....My Mother heart beats with hers....God, be near."
And He was....and He has.....not always in obvious ways, but there nonetheless. They felt abandoned, helpless and hopeless at times, God seeming so far away. So many of their hopes, plans and dreams came to a screeching halt. Those days were hard and foggy, I remember her using the word "nightmare" more then a time or two. I say this now, not because their life is perfect, but because it is healing....the wound isn't quite so exposed. The skin of time has formed a scab. But there is and always will be a scar, a remembrance of what was or could have been. He will never be forgotten or replaced. Even as I watch Tyler grow I think of him. He and Tyler were 6 months apart and I am sure they would both be tall like their Daddy's.
Over the past four years they have had two healthy, beautiful children. Maddie is 3 and Max is 4 months old. I see Logan in him.
"When you've been broken, broken to pieces.
And Your heart begins to faint 'cause you don't understand.
And when there is nothing to rake from the ashes.
And you can't even walk onto the fields of praise.

I bow down and kiss the Son.
Oh, and I bow down and kiss the Son.
Let the praise of the Lord be in my mouth.
Let the praise of the Lord be in my mouth.

Well, though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.
Well, though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.
Though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.
Though You slay me, I will trust You, Lord.

When the rock falls, falls upon you.
And you get ground to dust,
no music for your pain.
You open the windows, the windows of heaven.
And then You opened me and
You crushed me like a rose."

~"Kiss the Son" by Kevin Prosch~


Anne said...

That pain can so easily be relived with the slightest reminder of it...even now I'm in tears with the thought of my own experience with this. Not first hand thank God, but through a dear friend as yours is.

This situation is one thing about life that I think I will not ever understand this side of Heaven. But still, we have to trust that God is always working all things out for our good.

I sing that Allison Krauss "Baby Mine" song to my girls every night.

Anonymous said...

janelle, thanks for you sweet words and remembering our logan with us today. you are a dear friend and i am so sad that you never got to know logan more and that he and tyler can't grow old together.
thanks for all your prayers and support.
i love you dearly

Jena said...

thinking of them and loving all of them too.
Lately I have been listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman's song Heaven is the Face and thinking of Logan

Bess said...

Always on our hearts...

PS - LOVE Baby Mine! Danae insists on me singing that to her EVERY night at bedtime. :)