a cuss word

I've been saying a word lately that I'm not too proud of.

Actually, I've been thinking it more then saying it, but it's all the same.

I don't have an exact count, but I'd estimate upwards of 20 times each day
it rings loud between my ears.

It starts with an "SH" and it's not what you think it is.

It's not really a cuss word, but it SHOULD be, (in my mind)....

there it is again, popping up it's ugly head~~~

SHOULD.

and her cousin,
SHOULDN'T.

If I could I would type it up and draw little devil horns coming out the top.

I don't know why, but whenever I think/say that word I DON'T FEEL BETTER ABOUT ANYTHING I'M DOING, ESPECIALLY THE TASK AT HAND. I feel OBLIGATION AND DUTY, (which oddly enough is the exact definition of the word).

Do you know what I speak about?
It just has such a condemning feel to it.

Like I'm never enough for it....

it has an endless thirst for more of me.

It seems that this word also strips me of ANY RELIANCE on my Great God.

Even my relationship with Him is tainted by it.

I should have my devotions.
I should pray more.
I should go to church.
I shouldn't doubt God.

I should serve more.
I shouldn't feel this way.

I should trust more.
I should be having faith for this situation.
I should try harder.

Yes, truthfully some of these things are good and necessary for spiritual growth, but what is my MOTIVATION behind doing them?
Is it done out of LOVE or out of MY NEED FOR APPROVAL?

(pictures of Luke "pretending" to worship~he's imitating what he sees Jake doing on Sunday mornings, but I still believe that somewhere in his little soul is a place of childlike worship. He stood there playing the guitar with his eyes closed for at least 2 songs, it blessed me and still makes me well up when I see these sweet pictures. He doesn't care what anyone is thinking and I'm learning from him).

"Now for one of the most beautiful mysteries of the feminine heart.

Women minister something to the heart of God that men do not. Look at the record. It was a woman who rushed into the Pharisee's house uninvited and washed Jesus' feet with her tears, dried them with her hair and kissed them in an act of intimate repentant worship. It was a woman who broke the alabaster vase over Jesus' head, anointing him with oil and the fragrance of her sacrificial worship filled the room. It was women who followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. It was women who stayed at the foot of the cross offering him the comfort of their presence until Jesus breathed his last. It was to women that Jesus first revealed himself after he rose from the dead and it was women who first "clasped his feet and worshiped him" as the Risen, Victorious Lord.

Women hold a special place in the heart of God. A woman's worship brings Jesus immense pleasure and a deep ministry. You can minister to the heart of God. You impact Him. You matter. Jesus desires you to pour out your love on him in extravagant worship that ministers to his heart. This is not just for women who have the time; women who are really spiritual. You are made for romance and the only one who can offer it to you consistently and deeply is Jesus.

Offer your heart to him."

~from the book "Captivating" by Stasi Eldredge~