MYSPACE.MOM

Some days I just want a place that's all mine. A place to put all my "stuff"; my little notes, quotes, reminders, papers, magazine clippings of things I love.  I've been like this as long as I can remember.  Ask my sister with whom I shared a room most of my life.  I was constantly being told to "clean up my corners", (by my Mother and by her).  I would do my best to "organize" ALL.MY.LITTLE.STUFF.  My "portant, (important) stuff" as I use to say as little girl! {And now, having a son that is JUST like me I have a new compassion for my sister. I cannot imagine HOW ANNOYING all the crazy things were being piled, pinned, hung and situated in the four corners of our room!}

And if you could see our homes now, it's quite amusing and fascinating and delightful.  For instance, she has 2-3 pictures on the front of her refrigerator.  I have about 20-30.  She has a very clean color palate in her home.  My home ate a bag full of skittles.  She is fierce in getting rid of things and has such wonderfully organized closets and cookbooks.  You can barely push my hangers apart and I have 40 cookbooks which I never use. I LOVE PERSONALITIES and the way we are MADE!!  "We are just the way we're suppose to be", my Mom's words ringing true in my ear. 

And so, it continues.

Except I'm almost 33.

I have a thing for things. Visual things.

Looking at things that make me happy or wishful or inspired. I cut pictures out of magazines quite often, hanging them in random places.
I write quotes on pieces of paper a few times each week, also hanging them in random places.
I  save "thank you" notes that I receive, and they too end up in random places.

And so one day I thought, I'm going to create a MY SPACE,
a MOM space. a MYSPACE.MOM.
I found this old chair at goodwill and gave it a second life.

Primed it.
Painted it.
Distressed it.
Recovered it.
I had found a few large pillowcases at Pottery Barn and used that for the seat,
(actually my husband did that part).  Jake's Mom also made pillows for our new couch from this material, (pictures to come someday of our "new" living room. I thought it was complete, but I've changed my mind on our newly purchased couch!  So, it's on craigslist and we're hoping to find another one that is more suitable.  My husband is unending in his patience)!! 

         We had an entertainment armoire that we were trying to sell.
Instead I turned it into my little getaway.
A perfect place for all my "portant stuff!"

It's the back of this chair that captured my attention first.
So elegant, the lines of the legs.

 And so, several times each day you'll find me here in my corner.
Among the thin pieces of paper and glossy magazine pictures, quotes, verses and to do lists. Pictures of my babies when they were babies. Just so I don't forget what they looked like when their heads where smaller then mine.

 We all need a place to call our own.
Most of the world doesn't have that.
Welivelifecrowded. 

Some women have beautiful rooms, entire retreats all their own.
Others have a single bedside wall, a place to hang pictures with a piece of scotch tape or a favorite verse scribbled on a piece of paper. Or a picture that you love to look at, that makes you feel good inside.

Find it.
Make it.
Create a SPACE all your own!
You can do it.

"If you don't like how things are,
change it!
You're not a tree."

~Jim Rohn~

8th Annual Campout

Each Summer we host our annual CAMPOUT for our younger nieces and nephews.  And each Winter or Spring I realize I never posted the pictures!

We begin the night with PIZZA!

Get all the tents set up!

ENJOY the summer night.

Roll out the CANDY, thanks to good ol' Sadie, (my bike).

"The Feast" kid style!!

Jake created a HUGE outdoor theater on the side of the carriage house,
with speakers on either side.

They watch movies until they can't keep their eyes open!
Always being sure to fit in "The Parent Trap", (THE ORIGINAL)!!

We make mass amounts of POPCORN & SMORES

and live life through the eyes of a child.

It doesn't take a lot to make a child feel special.

A little effort for a lot of memory!! 

"Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while."~Billy Dean~

Previous years of fun....they grow up so quickly,

soon they are "too cool" to come to our campout, (makes me sad, but maybe once they hit college age they will come back for the FREE FOOD!!!  That's your invitation Mitch, Carson, Tessa, Lance, Linds and Meg!!  XOXO. Aunt J.2007

2008

2009



projects and parties

So, somehow I got the idea to completely renovate our living room.

blame it on the latest pottery barn magazine and spring fever!

Here was one of my inspiration pictures.  I really wanted to create a space that Jake loved!  Our whole house is such an OBVIOUS expression of who I am.  I am trying to change in that way and make this home more about US, not just about ME.....(and mind you, this does NOT come naturally as our styles are as different as our personalities).

However, this past weekend we jumped right in!  With 3 children under our feet......now our living room is chocolate brown & tan with new furntiture, new carpet.  I'm all the way in!  Each morning I like it more, but it's taking awhile to "grow on me" because IT'S SO DIFFERENT then what I'm use to or what I lean towards. 

He's never really said anything to me about our living room.  In fact at first he wasn't so sure about changing it around.  But I want the space he spends the most time in, (living room and bedroom) to be a reflection of HIM as well.  Something I feel more then I ever did. Maybe I'm growing up a little.  Maybe I'm starting to care more about what he DOESN'T say.

 pottery barn magazine

Secondly, we celebrated Luke's 4th birthday last Saturday, (I've got a whole post of delightful pictures).  I'm feeling a little *behind* in posting all I want to share. There are other things calling my name though.  So, for tonight, it's just this one picture of our kitchen transformed to LIGHT UP THE EYES OF A CERTAIN FOUR YEAR OLD BOY!! 

Lastly, I hosted a tea party today for my sister, as a birthday gift to her.  It was a delightful time.  It's something I truly enjoy, despite the time and effort it takes....preparing, serving, decorating, presenting, pleasing.  It's the good and bad of my personality I guess.  I love to make others happy and feel LOVED, I want to serve, yet I don't want to base my VALUE on what I DO.....part of the core of who I am BELIEVES SO STRONGLY that you are not what you DO, you are WHO you are!  And when you give something with ANY kind of selfish motive attached, it isn't really a gift afterall.That's not how I felt today, it's just something that I keep in mind because of my tendencies toward performance orientation.  More on that someday.

now, onto purging our home for things to sell at our yearly yard sale!    DON'T MISS IT IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO!!!! MAY 6TH-7TH It's going to be ONE. BIG. TREASURE. HUNT. 13 ladies and 1 man with italian ice, (that would be Mr. Rice for all my LMH pals out there)!!   *IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HAVING A SPACE AT OUR SALE, THERE ARE 2 OPENINGS LEFT!! PLEASE EMAIL ME WITH ANY QUESTIONS OR TO RESERVE YOUR SPOT!  JJ9702@JUNO.COM

"We tend to forget that happiness
doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have,
but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have".
~Frederick Keonig~

flowers in the rain

 the care and kindness I have received over the past 2 weeks has truly been LIKE HEALING BALM to me.  thank you.  I think I understand in a new way why my God asks us to be kind to one another.  CARING FOR SOMEONE CAN LITERALLY BRING HEALING TO THEM.  in a very real way.  It isn't hard to show someone you care and it doesn't take much time these days either:
  *A quick "how are you today?" text.*

 

*A little facebook note on their wall.*

*A quick email.*

*A voicemail* 

There are ways to "check in" without having to meet for dinner or coffee.  

write it, sign it, put a stamp on it!  Oh, the lovely cards that people have sent.  They have warmed my heart.  BROUGHT HEALING TO MY MIND.  There is POWER in truly caring for others.

"And you saw how the Lord your God
cared for you again and again here in the wilderness,

just as a father cares for his child...."

Deuteronomy 1:31

Paisley~March, 2010.

I am feeling really good physically and emotionally.  of course there are moments and hours when I am still so sad at what took place over the last 14 days. We are sad that we will never know this Baby Stoltzfus.  Breaks my Mother heart.  I love my babies so much, (even though they drive me crazy some days)!!  And that is what tears at me the most. Not knowing.

I am not burdened with the "why me" feelings. I mean really, "why NOT me?" Who am I to expect everything to always go the way I want it to? I am not my own afterall!  Who am I to PLAN MY WAYS, the paths I think I should take? 

I'm back to my "old ways", blogging at midnight, so that's one sure sign that I'm getting back to normal!  I have to stop staying up so late!  Yet, as many of you know, there's nothing like these night hours when NO ONE NEEDS YOU and the world is yours, so to speak. You can eat whatever you want without being sneaky or without open-mouthed beggars at your fingertips!  And the QUIET.....oh, it can't be beat!  

It feels so warm and cozy in our living room tonight with the fire crackling, the slushing sound of cars driving by on wet roads, the freshly planted purple pansies smiling here beside me.  I planted pansies in the rain tonight.  I didn't care!  SPRING WILL COME TO OUR HOME, it's been decided!  I wore my new anthro hat.      



Paisley~ March, 2011.

Sometimes life is a journey of

planting flowers in the rain, isn't it?!

"The violets in the mountains have broken the rocks."

~Tennessee Williams~



miscarriage

the word alone sounds empty. fractured. sad. i've been given the honor of joining the women that have held a baby in their womb for too short a time.  something i never understood or had true compassion for. throughout the years i would often hear of friends and family that had miscarriages and my heart would feel saddened for them, for about 48 hours, if that. my life took over again and rightfully so, that's why it's called "my" life....i'm not living someone elses, just my own.

and now i am comforted to truly comfort. i never realized how quickly a Mother's heart is born. it only takes a few weeks to fall in love. in my case 7.5 weeks. oh, i had such anticipation in waiting to tell friends and family and you, my blog friends. to share the news of our "Spring Blossom" as I had endearingly named it.  I was going to take pictures of the pregnancy test standing upright in the dirt next to my other spring shoots! "My newest perennial!"  my mind was spinning with creative "announcement" ideas.  "My Edelweiss!"i love me some JOY and what greater JOY-FULL thing!?  We decided to wait until I was 8 weeks to begin telling people. So that's not been easy, sharing the happy news now married to the sad.

You, my "blog friends" feel very real to me. perhaps that's just because i invest a lot of energy into my blog, so when you comment or show up on this site i feel your presence in a way. my mom asked me with disapproval in her voice if i'm going to put it on my blog. it wasn't disapprovaing on purpose, i just don't think in "her day" you would talk about this kind of thing with many others, let alone strangers. well, even today, it's not something you really hear others talking about. that's not so much me though.  it's part of our story now, part of my life and heart and that's why i write. i write to share our world, our days, my thoughts and ponderings.

it was a difficult week to say the least. physically i never knew the trauma that some women's bodies go through after delivering the unformed, unborn baby. i reacted quite similarly, (though much less intense), to when i delivered my 3 full term babies. what a shock it was to me. each miscarriage is as different as each woman's birth story it seems. emotionally, just such a mixture of all kinds of things; questions, feelings, thoughts: "Was it my fault?"  "Am I working too hard?"  "Did I do something to make this happen?"  All very normal questions to have.  All untrue. There are so many "wives tales" out there~~and the fact is that most of the time there is something inherently wrong with the baby and this is Nature's way of taking care of it, (over 500,000 miscarriages each YEAR in America alone).  And just because you had a miscarriage doesn't mean it will happen again. a new level of grace has now been burned into my emotional well. our bodies are not meant to let our babies go too soon, neither are our hearts.

Last Friday i awoke to light bleeding, cramps, back pain throughout the day and by the setting of the sun, no more baby. i knew the moment it passed from me.  and that was a sad realization, that we were no longer one.  our time together was over. 

part of me feels really silly even "mourning" this death at all. i've seen the deep valley that several of my friends have traveled, delivering stillborn babies or watching their full-term babies take their final breath in their arms.  this pales in comparison to say the least!! Losing a baby this soon is a form of God's grace on my life, I mean it. I cannot imagine the heart-wrenching, soul-shaking, physical beating that takes place when you hold your fully formed baby in your arms just long enough to whisper goodbye. it's just not right.


the boys were so excited and all questions when we told them about the new baby on it's way. and so when Jake told them that the baby had died it understandably made them sad. and in typical childlike fashion they spoke some words and on with life they ran. Luke, my 4 year old said, "Why did the baby have to die Mom? I guess we have to wait for God to give us another baby." And that about sums it up doesn't it?

"Will the dust praise You?
Will it proclaim Your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me,
O Lord, be my help.
You turned my wailing into dancing,
removed my sackcloth and clothed me with JOY,
that my heart may sing to Youand not be silent.
O Lord my God,
I will give you thanks forever."
Psalm 30: 9-12

This is the verse that was spoken to my soul. Our baby will never praise on this side of heaven, but WE CAN~~~WE WILL. We are left to proclaim His faithfulness NO MATTER WHAT. And that is all I can give my baby, a legacy of praise. As I said earlier, I have seen this as a gift of God's grace on our life, our home, our family. As odd as that sounds, that's what it is to me.

Death is a part of life. I do not judge God for the way things happen, to me or to others. He is worthy of praise just because He's worthy, not because of what He does or doesn't do for me,
for us,
for earth.

I do not belong here, it's my passing through place. And I'm ok with that. I don't know how long I'll have any of my babies, or how long they'll have me. However I want to know Him Who placed me here today. March, Twenty-Eleven. I want to travel the unknown with Him by my side. Even though the way feels lonely and dark at times, how much worse for my SPIRIT and SOUL to fall into loneliness and darkness too. But for the GRACE OF GOD there go I.

Tyler's hand-picked flowers for me.

And it's not about my own strength either. I'm over that. At least that's my hearts desire. To no longer have anything of ME to trust in. My thoughts, my ways, my ideas, my judgements, my life experiences. For goodness sake, I can't even LOVE Him without His inner strengthening.

"But I, BY YOUR GREAT MERCY, will come into Your house; in reverence will I bow down toward Your holy temple. Lead me, O Lord, in Your righteousness because of my enemies~~MAKE STRAIGHT YOUR WAY BEFORE ME."
Psalm 5:7-8

See, He does it all.

Please don't misunderstand this post. We are so sad and my heart is broken at what could have been. It's definitely been harder on me then Jake.  And that is common as well.  Men don't bond emotionally with the baby until later on.  Their everyday life isn't affected by a growing womb, nauseous mornings, name doodling and nursery plans.  However, if i can offer any encouragement to the four men that read this blog.....DON'T UNDERESTIMATE YOUR ABILITY TO CARE FOR YOUR WIFE EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. 

Jake has been so beautiful to me despite his inability to really KNOW what's happening.  He arranged for me to have an in-home massage, he wrote me cards, kept the home in order, (as much as he knew how, bless him) and prayed for my heart.  He was/is such a comfort to me.  A refuge.  A hiding place. Reminds me of Someone Else i know.  However, I will say that one night he did put Paisley to bed without a diaper on.....a sign that he was in over his head a bit!  Oh, it was a funny moment Sunday morning when he found her just as sweet as ever in a drenched nightie and bedding!  You know, the stinky, soaking morning pee?   She didn't even cry through the night or anything.  Bless her dear soaked heart.  He graciously laundered the bedding and we had a good laugh about it!  

 It's NOT easy to trust the uncontrollable happenings in this life. I'm not trying to make it sound like it is. I'm just not sure what other options I have....or want. If He has my life, then He has ALL MY LIFE. "'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home."

And so I go back to the "yearly theme word" for me. To GAZE upon Him, upon His grace taking on different shapes and forms and colors then I had ever imagined or desired. It's an adventure. It's a pilgrim's progress. In my post from this January about a yearly theme word I wrote, "There is a deep soul work that wants to bury down into me and I want to embrace that wholeheartedly, whatever it may look like. Easy to type out, hard to work out." More true today, then ever.

"Lord, help me this day to draw strength
from all that comes to me."~unknown author~

A special THANK YOU to our family and friends for their VISIBLE support this past week. Flowers,(pictured above), meals, phone calls, cards, coffee drop offs, texts, chocolate covered strawberries, emails, caring for our children, praying for us, giving us space and time, keeping us near your mind.  We literally FELT your love.   I know it takes time to show you care and we have been humbled by your kindness toward our life and home! 

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY LUKE THOMAS!

Today my little boy turns FOUR!

This is what greeted him when he woke up this morning and came down the stairs in his "zippy nightie", all squinty eyed from a goods night sleep. What a beautiful and unique addition he's been to our family.

*He balances us.
*He grounds Tyler and brings a security to him, (even though they can seriously fight too).
*He is so sweet to Paisley and loves to be in charge of her.
*He is silly and likes to say gross words to make Tyler laugh, (i.e. fart, poop, boogie).

*His favorite game is Uno and he is VERY good.
*He likes to drink "refreshing water" and I will often find him in the kitchen putting ice into a tall glass with some water. "Just needed some refreshing water Mom." *He said to me last month "I love you 5 days Mom!" and "I love you 15 500 Mom!"
*He loves to "do school" and will be the first one at the school table with his books open and ready. Such a willing learner. He writes his name perfectly and will start over if something goes off.
*He likes to dress handsome, "not all the way handsome like at Tom and Becky's wedding.", (which means he'll wear everything but the newsboy hat)!

*He still sleeps with his "puppy" that was given to him when he was born.
*He does things right the first time. He doesn't need to be asked twice to do something.

*He doesn't like to have sticky fingers. He is very textile and will dry his hands off for a long time after his bath. Likes his shirts just right, his socks lined up, his shoes to fit correctly and all else in line.
*He is happiest when he is helping. *He is a loud sleeper...always has been. Makes all kinds of noises at night, even singing in his sleep sometimes.
*He loves to play his "gar", (guitar) and has great rhythm.
*His favorite person is his Dad, but Grammie is a close second. *He is very sensitive to those around him, their needs.

*He wants to be heard, (typical second born)! We still work through him screaming to get Tyler's attention, (but if we're being honest here I scream too sometimes to get Tyler's attention. He's a typical firstborn, off in imagination land)!

Luke, we love you so much.
May you TRULY KNOW THAT
ALL THE WAY DEEP DOWN INSIDE WHO YOU ARE!

Spring Giveaway Winner

Good Spring Morning Friends~~

just a very quick visit today
to announce the winner of our
SPRING GIVEAWAY!

All those lovely comments warmed my heart right up
and made me want to get my hands in the dirt,
my laundry on the line
and my face in the sun!!

As chosen by random.org, #82 is our winner,

MRS. ARENDA SMUCKER.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to enter!

First a howling blizzard woke us,
Then the rain came down to soak us,
And now before the eye can focus - Crocus.
~Lilja Rogers~

SpRiNg GiVeAwAy!!

five days!!!!! FIVE DAYS!!

I just couldn't help myself. During the past few months as I've been out and about I've picked up some little dandies! This giveaway is for no other purpose then to say, (SHOUT) that

SPRING
IS
HERE!!!

~~GIVEAWAY NOW CLOSED~~

box o' spring!

my newest favorite cleaner.
smells so good. cleans even better.

because every woman could use
a little polka dot glam when cleaning.

so you can assure your husband, (if you're married)

that you did not move his screwdriver somewhere
because alas, you have your own pair of PINK ones!

the cutest napkins.
ever.

"thanks a latte" and some of the others say
"thank you very mocha"~seriously!? too cute!

these darlings were just too sweet to pass up.
and they smell so pretty too.
practical beauty can't be beat.

take a break
and eat chocolate.
from Europe!
*wooden box and lemons not included in giveaway!*

Leave a comment with your
favorite thing to do when
it finally gets warm outside!

If you want to enter twice you can:

*click "like" on the facebook sidebar and add another comment telling me you did so.

*Share this giveaway on your blog and leave a comment telling me you did so.

And of course I'll pick the winner on the

FIRST DAY OF SPRING!!!

"It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is.
And when you've got it, you want -
oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want,
but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!"
~Mark Twain~

a letter

Recently I sent a letter to a friend.
I wanted to share bits of it with you because even as I was writing it, I felt I understood myself just a little more.

"As far as I'm concerned one can never have too much stationery, (another weakness of mine along with aprons, dishes and various chapsticks)! I hope and say a prayer that this little package finds you fulfilled and focused. Not on all that must be done in caring for your home, husband and children~instead on the inner workings of your womanhood and spirit man.

We are so much more then wives and Mothers, (although I question that many days). I long for fulfillment through and through....in what I do AND in who I am. And I know that I, (we) are not alone in that desire. How comforting to know that we are not the first or the last to trudge, (as it were) through this life!

Motherhood is no easy task, (but I don't have to tell you that). I'm not out to pretend it is. There are days I yell and pinch too much and just generally act a fool....and then there are sunshine days that I thank God for. Yet, it's on the difficult days, (or weeks) that I want to know His nearness, care and compassion for me. I CANNOT DO THIS IN MY OWN STRENGTH. I don't want to be strong or brave or a "good Mom" because those things are really accomplished through my own doings....and quite frankly I'm tried of me!!

And so, let us fall to our knees at our kitchen sinks

and cry out for Sweet Grace, mercy and Truth to FILL US ANEW!

"Your mercy and loving-kindness , O Lord,
endure forever~forsake not the work of Your own hands,

(um, that would be me)!!
Psalm 138:8

All my love dear friend,
Janelle

The realization of my need for Jesus is increased on a daily basis. And it's not because I've been sitting in His presence with His peace and stillness rushing over me. It's in the DAILYNESS OF LIFE that I am seeing how pathetic I am IN AND OF MYSELF. And this is not something I say to put myself down or make myself feel like I am a victim of Motherhood. On the contrary, it's a TRUTH that seems to be burrowing itself deeper as the children grow and the demands, at times, SEEM greater then I can possibly handle.

I'm reminded of a hymn that I use to listen to my Mother sing as a young girl, watching tears stream down her face. Seated on the hard, oak colored pew in the little Mennonite church on a Sunday morning. Fidgety and five.

"Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,

for I am thy God, I will still give thee aid;

I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand,

upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand,
upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand."

~How Firm a Foundation~